» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

Turned it black.
Being a girl, I don't have a penis..

But once I sucked my boyfriends little fella so hard it turned black all over. I'm imagine from busting the blood vessels or something.

Edit: Also, I'm just guessing, but I think he may have been just a bit proud of it. He told everybody he saw of it. And if he didn't tell them, he showed them the picture on his phone. I don't know why.

Crazy Moley Foley.

At least now he can say he's had a black dick, if nothing else.

So really, I did him a favour.
(Thu 12th Mar 2009, 13:32, More)

» God

West Borough Baptist Church
What the fuck is with them?
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 23:02, More)

» God

Jehovas witnesses
When I was younger I stayed with my Grandad on a saturday and there was a constant string of Jehovas witnesses at the door. My Grandad being [mostly] too polite and loved everyone didn't have the heart to turn them away so he invited them in made them a cup of tea and sat and listened to the same wank everytime. Me being a bored child, sick of these strangers in my Grandads house decided I would never invite these people in when I got older.

When I was about 14 or 15 I was home alone and there was a knocking on the door. I looked out of the window because the only people that come to the front door are sales people and I couldn't be arsed with the whole 'How old are you?' 'Are your parents in?' fiasco and it was pretty routine to just not answer the door if it was a salesman. It wasn't a salesman but it was two old ladies with leaflets. This was my time to shine!!!!
Today was a particularly warm day so I had the window open, but just to make sure they noticed me when I looked out I opened window wider and slammed it shut loudly and sat back down. They walked to the window started tapping on it and waving their leaflets around and smiling nicely.
I wasnt going to fall for their sweet old lady twoddle and I wan't quite so polite as my Grandad so I sat there all casual and cool like and waved back.
They thought I was going to the door so walked back over to it. About a minute later they came back to the window looking a bit puzzled that I was still sat there. So I smiled and pretended to get up and they walked back over to the door. When I was out of sight, I sat back down.
The process happened a couple more times and eventually they went.

I laughed my tits off after they had gone and I think I was more proud than anything in the world at that time because I had managed to keep my cool.
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 21:16, More)

» God

Crazy Jesus Woman
I used to go into Wakefield every Saturday and hang around the cathedral. [for anyone who has ever been past it will know what I mean] There is usually about 200 or so Goths around there and a lot of them I was 'friends' with.

Obviously, the majority of people that aren't/have never been alternative think Goths are Satanists or whatever. This is where Crazy Jesus Lady comes in.

In Wakefield there is also a fair few preachers, Crazy Jesus Lady being one of them. This was her oppertunity to convert these blasted Satanists to her obviously correct religion. She started talking normal old lady shit and didn't say much about God or anything at first. So, she lulled us into thinking she were just a nice old lady, bit weird but harmless. Then she just started babbling about how she was a born-again Christian and speaking in something she called 'snake tongue'. By this point I wasnt interested [and didn't want to be too disrespectful by laughing in her face at some of the bollocks she was coming out with] and walked off, leaving her talking to a few of my friends. The only reason they stayed was because they thought she was funny and could somehow hold in their laughter.

So that was that, we didn't really think anything of it. Until the next Saturday when she was there, waiting for us. Last week it was just a laugh but I think she'd though she could convert us. She came and greeted us and introduced us to her son, another born-again Christian and she babbled on a bit more.

A couple of hours later, most people were intrigued and there were maybe up to 15 people with her at one time, because she was obviously insane and it was funny as fuck watching some woman thinking she was 'down with the kids' or something, chuckling along 'with' us, while we were really laughing AT her. Then, just before we were going home she offered to burn us some really cool 'hip hop' Jesus CD's. We said yes, just to take the piss not thinking she would bring them and that would be the end of her.

The following Saturday we was back in Wakefield and there she was, with her shitty CD's. Before we listened to them, though she insisted we would like them. She then raised her right arm, hand in a fist, and started jumping on the spot, but bare in mind she was about 60 and stood on the top step of around 30 other steps and could have easily fell down and broken all her bones, this just proved how much she thought we would enjoy these CD's so we humoured her and took them.

That's when it got stupid and week after week she wouldnt leave us alone and I don't have much time for people pushing their religions onto me, mental problems or not so made no effort to hide how much she was pissing me off, or how funny I though it all was, told her the CD's were shit and babbled about how much I'm not gonna believe in god no matter what she says, but everyone else was pretty patient with her and went along with her except from Sarah.

So she focused all her attention on me and Sarah.

So there us two were sat on the cathedral wall and she touched Sarah's head. That kinda was crossing the line right there so I was just giving her a bit of a dirty look which I assume she had grown to know well by this point. Then all of a sudden out of no where she grabbed my forehead shoved me back onto the grass and mud and started chanting shit in her fucking 'snake tongue'. Course my legs flew into the air, and kicked her [accidental, of course]. It didn't phase her and she carried on holding my head into the mud and chanting. Fucking crazy bitch, so I went about whacking her hand away. After that she let go. I cursed her couple of times and she informed me I was going to hell and she went. And never came back after that.

I still have no idea what fucking spell or whatever she put on me.

Apologies for length but she didnt fucking apologise for getting my hair dirty!
(Fri 20th Mar 2009, 20:25, More)