b3ta.com user Tiny Blindfolded Horse
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I like your shoes. What lovely lovely shoes.

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Bravia can be a toy can't it? Can't it? Oh sladge off, nobody asked you anyway

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(Fri 4th Jul 2014, 11:39, More)

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» Mobile phone disasters

Having worked in a library
Quite often we'd get kids do the whole Trigger Happy TV thing of screaming "HELLO!" into their phones. I find repeating pranks pulled on TV to be about as funny as ear cancer.

It always got bad in the summer, to the point you knew where it was coming and you'd assume a start position to chase the little turd rapers out of the building. One kid was particularly persistent, and doubly as obnoxious when we threw him out.

One day he was sat at a computer next to an exceptionally large Dutch backpacker. Sure enough, there was the ringtone, the hello, and the jump-and-sprint. However, like a Brown Bear swiping at a salmon in an Alaskan stream, this backpacker plucked the little foreskin out of mid air and slammed him on my desk by his forehead. In a voice much, much louder than this child, he bellowed "MY FRIEND! I WILL ASS FUCK YOU!". I'm pretty sure the kid managed to poo his own heart out.

If I were a professional, I probably should have called the police or asked the large man to leave, but I was so busy laughing I'd snorted a giant bogey into my moustache, which made looking and sounding authoritative completely impossible. Oh well.
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 16:09, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

I used to be on T-Mobile, and their hold music was always that Royksopp song. Can't remember the name of it but it's the one that samples Blue on Blue by Bobby Vinton. Anyway, for a time I didn't have a direct debit on my account which meant phoning them up every time I wanted to pay my phone bill, and this invariably led to many a minute spent listening to this song.

One morning, whilst particularly bored and on hold for a particularly long time, I decided to sing along to the hold music.

"Dooo dooo doooooo, dooo do-do-doooo do......blue on bluuuuueeee, heartache on heartache...."

Still nothing for another 3 minutes, so I decide to sing it in cat.

"Miaow miaow miaow, miaow miaow miaow-miaow miaow..."

I was having such a good time miaowing along to Royksopp I'd not noticed that a rather bemused young lady had picked up and heard about 5 or 6 seconds of a man miaowing a tune at her.

I secretly hoped me and her would fall in love and it would be a cute story for the grandkids. Instead, I paid my £41.57 and hung up, feeling rather silly.
(Fri 31st Jul 2009, 9:06, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

My heroine
A friend of mine was dumped by text. The girl who did it is secretly my hero. This was the text:















I can't be with you any more. It's just not working out.
(Fri 31st Jul 2009, 10:02, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Nun Fun
My dad is a train driver, and as anyone with relatives on t'railway will know, this means you usually get the joys of the holy "priv ticket", that being a ticket which normally allows you 16 free trips anywhere in the country by rail, and after that a 75% discount on all fares (may be different now but that's how it was in the good old days). Anyway, because of this I would travel all over the country by train and on an oddly large number of occasions, I would find myself sat opposite a nun.

So one day I am heading to sunny Wolverhampton for some reason. Probably a hankering for incest or child eating or something. Sat opposite me is the nunniest nun you have ever laid eyes upon. None where nunnier than this nun. None.

Normally I leave my phone on vibrate when out and about as I am permanently plugged into my ipod. As we are just short of Birmingham New Street, this nun begins to glare at me like I was possessed by Satan, or Muslims or somesuch. I became pretty uncomfortable and for a brief time was convinced my skin would begin to bubble and melt, or I'd bleed black like that fella from Dogma.

As this Jihad-staredown was going on, the song on my ipod finished, and in the silent space between songs, all became clear.

My phone wasn't on vibrate. It was on very loudly.

"Everyone has AIDS! Ba ba ba-ba ba, AIDS AIDS AIDS!"
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 14:20, More)

» I'm your biggest Fan

Actually, my best shag...
...was with the cutest little lady you could imagine, who is pretty well known in Britain at least.

We got chatting to each other in a pub in Birmingham and it turns out we were both fans of Garrison Keillor. I didn't really recognise her as being famous at first (which I guess disqualifies me from the "biggest fan" portion of the question). Having said that, as the night wore on and as her alcohol consumption increased, I could sense a definite spark. She gave me her number and we text and chatted for about a month. The next time I was in Brum she text me and asked if I fancied coming round for a coffee.

I go round her house in a rather fancy suburb and to my slight surprise, one of her kids opens the door. I had no idea she had kids but she kinda rose to fame in the late 70s so I guess she was at the age where she could have had a couple of kids around 10 or 12. Anyway, we sit in her kitchen and while I can't remember why or how it happened, we started talking about sex. She started playing with her mug and looking at me in a way that said "yes, it's going to happen". She gave each of the kids £10 and told them to go to the shops.

Before the door had even clicked shut she'd run me upstairs, half kissing and fondling me in a mad dash to the bedroom. She slides on top of me and the kissing is passionate. She slides off and says "sit tight". So there I am, lying in a kind of famous person's bed, looking up at her ceiling and publicity shots in chintzy frames dotted around this bedroom and I hear the bathroom door open.

Holy Christing Fucknuckles.

She's wearing school uniform.

She went to town on me like only an older woman could, making me pull muslces I didn't know I had. For 2 hours we basically just tore at each other, discarding her school uniform all over the place. After hearing the kids at the end of the road, we hastily got dressed and ran back downstairs. We may well have looked incredibly guilty (I know I felt a bit bad), but the kids were loaded up on sugary treats, and the rest of the afternoon went by as if nothing happened.

I left there wondering if I was some celebrity squeeze and giggling to myself. Unfortunately, she reconciled with her ex husband about a month after, but thanked me for that one afternoon.

To this day, I still think of her stood before me in that school uniform. If you're reading this, you were the best shag I have ever had, Jimmy Cranky.
(Fri 17th Apr 2009, 22:39, More)
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