» Nightclubs

The Magical Irish Bow Tie
First of all, I have to applaud the Huddersfield University Events team for organising the most dreary, pathetic graduation ball in the history of time.

The only reason I had decided to go was because I had been trying to get my end away with the most beautiful blonde angel by the name of Suzanne. Id stare at her in Lectures for hours on end and when she asked if I'd go to the Grad ball with her, I was never gonna miss it.

A plate of crap food and a few too many nerve calming shots of cheap vodka later, I was on the dancefloor, doing my thing.

Suzanne clearly wasnt impressed with my moves and was staring at me like I was a demented rapist on acid.

And when she left with another man, i had 2 choices. Sit in the corner and sulk or round up some troops and go to Camel Club. The latter it was.

Earlier on in the night I had closley resembled a Fine Gentleman in my hired Tuxedo but now i looked more like a pengiun that had narrowly escaped the claws of a yeti.

My kind mates, took measures to straighten me up in an attempt to get my stumbling ass past the beady eyed bouncers.

Not only did my perfectly straight bow tie, get me past the bouncers but it also seems that tuxedo's and drunk women on dancefloors are like moths and flames.

A few pints later and enjoying the female attention, out of the smoke and from deep within the club, i saw a large silloute approaching.

This huge Troll promptly walks up to me and in the prettiest of Irish accents squeaks "caan oiy weear yoour tiy?"

Until this day, i do not know why but my retort came in the most outrageous faux Irish accent that sounded more like a scottish/northern irish hybrid and in the highest tone "suuure"

We had a lenghty conversation about growing up in our respective irish towns and even though i was bought up in rural surrey, i had gathered enough knowledge and shaping of irish words from my NI flatmates; i could pull it off.

After a long tonguing session in the club we left to go back to hers. How she didnt expose my dodgy accent away from the noisy club, I still don't know

When During the act, she exclaimed she, and I quote, "Loikes t be noisy" i felt the need to join in.

I can tell you that there is no dignity in shouting "JESUS CHROIST" at the top of your lungs in a fake irish accent, still wearing a bow tie.

Unable to keep up the act, I left at the earliest opportunity and unable to escape the from under her bridge, had to scale the fence and broke my foot on the descent.

I spent the next day in hospital with a huge hangover and an even worse sense of shame.
(Wed 8th Apr 2009, 17:55, More)

» Drunk Parents

Newquay
I was 16 and severely adolescent when it happened.

The traditional end of GCSE celebrations at Sunnyside holiday camp in Newquay continued late one night and young, drunk and excited, we had managed to blag our way into Sailors Nightclub.

Now, I knew my parents were also on holiday in Cornwall but my suspicions were not aroused when a late phonecall from my father arrived, asking what we were up to. "Having fun dad! we are going to try and get into Sailors later!"

So tipsy and jubilant, we had got past the gatekeepers and were into the pussy filled, neon paradise that is Sailors nightclub. We walk up to the bar and standing there, blind drunk, grinning with a bucket of beers is my Old Man!

I meet him with a stare of disgust, my mates greet him like an old, long lost friend. After a brief chat, he starts to tell my friends, in detail, the story of how I was conceived in Newquay when all of a sudden my mother, having been dancing drunkenly in the corner, arrives just in time to help him finish the story.

Thanks Mum and Dad, thanks alot!
(Fri 25th Feb 2011, 13:45, More)

» Lies that got out of control

The Magical Irish Bow Tie
pearoast...


First of all, I have to applaud the Huddersfield University Events team for organising the most dreary, pathetic graduation ball in the history of time.

The only reason I had decided to go was because I had been trying to get my end away with the most beautiful blonde angel by the name of Suzanne. Id stare at her in Lectures for hours on end and when she asked if I'd go to the Grad ball with her, I was never gonna miss it.

A plate of crap food and a few too many nerve calming shots of cheap vodka later, I was on the dancefloor, doing my thing.

Suzanne clearly wasnt impressed with my moves and was staring at me like I was a demented rapist on acid.

And when she left with another man, I had 2 choices. Sit in the corner and sulk or round up some troops and go to Camel Club. The latter it was.

Earlier on in the night I had closley resembled a Fine Gentleman in my hired Tuxedo but now I looked more like a pengiun that had narrowly escaped the claws of a yeti. My kind mates, took measures to straighten me up in an attempt to get my stumbling ass past the beady eyed bouncers.

Not only did my perfectly straight bow tie, get me past the bouncers but it also seems that tuxedo's and drunk women on dancefloors are like moths and flames. A few pints later and enjoying the female attention, out of the smoke and from deep within the club, i saw a large silloute approaching.

This huge Troll promptly walks up to me and in the prettiest of Irish accents squeaks "caan oiy weear yoour tiy?"

Until this day, I do not know why but my retort came in the most outrageous faux Irish accent that sounded more like a scottish/northern irish hybrid and in the highest tone "suuure"

We had a lenghty conversation about growing up in our respective irish towns and even though I was brn and raised in rural surrey, I had gathered enough knowledge and shaping of irish words from my NI flatmates; I could pull it off.

After a long tonguing session in the club we left to go back to hers. How she didnt expose my dodgy accent away from the noisy club, I still don't know

When during the act, she exclaimed she, and I quote, "Loikes t be noisy" i felt the need to join in.

I can tell you that there is no dignity in shouting "JESUS CHROIST" at the top of your lungs in a fake irish accent, still wearing a bow tie.

Unable to keep up the act, I left at the earliest opportunity and unable to escape the from under her bridge, had to scale the fence and broke my foot on the descent.

I spent the next day in hospital with a huge hangover and an even worse sense of shame.
(Mon 16th Aug 2010, 12:06, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

The Examination
Girlfriend goes into hospital with severe abdominal pains. Nurses admit her into what appears to be some sort of holding bay for a mix of hypochondriacs, seniles and drunks. After a further 2 hours of nausea and whining the curtain opens to show 2 dashing doctors staring at my bed stricken girlfriend.

Now I have to admit that the younger doctor was clearly of a high caliber of male, higher than I can claim to be with my expanding waist line and plummeting life prospects. To further destroy my ego, the girlfriend starts flirting slightly with said doctor until that is, he mutters the words...

"rectal examination"

and then stares intensely at me. Girlfriend's face goes pale with terror, or excitement - not sure which - but the intense stare forces me to reply.
"I'll just go get a coffee".
Let me tell you, there is no dignity in walking out of a room to let another, better looking, more successful man stick his finger up the arse of the woman you love while another, older man watches.

I returned to the scene of the crime half an hour later to see my girl blushing gently whilst subtly relaying to me "I didnt mind that he stuck his finger up my arse but did he have to wipe it afterwards?"
(Thu 11th Mar 2010, 13:31, More)

» Performance

West Side Filthy Story
As I attended a very small 6th form college at the age of 16, I was roped into performing the part of Diesel in the school production of West Side Story, particularly as the cast required 20 males to play the parts of the opposing gangs.

Much prancing around and singing ensued as the rehearsals continued without error. As the first live performance in front of over 200 local parents and governers approached, I felt fairly confident that I knew my lines and that the night would go smoothly.

What I hadnt accounted for was that my friend Alex, who was playing the part of A-rab was holding an ace up his sleeve.

In one particular scene, dubbed the 'rape scene' the jets have to simulate a rape by lowering 'Baby John' onto Anita, the head girl of the sharks.

As we lowered Ryan (Baby John) onto Suzanna (Anita), Alex whispered inaudibly to the crowd but very much in ear shot of the entire cast in the scene "go on, slip her the finger". The rest of the scene was one of the most excruciating 5 minutes of my life as I and the other 10 lads on stage tried to stiffle the giggles.

Whats more, on the second night of the performance, Alex did the same thing, instead choosing his words more carefully "go on, get your dick wet".

The funny thing is, Ryan and Suzanna are now engaged. It's amazing how a bit of smut can bring 2 people together.
(Fri 19th Aug 2011, 15:22, More)