b3ta.com user Supermonkey
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» Greed

Mr Supermonkey is a greedy bastard
I left him alone for one and a half days with cereal, milk, bread, tubs of sandwich filling, salad, fresh fruit and a freezer full of pasta bakes and pizza.

Instead he ate all the cake and 12 bags of crisps.
(Tue 19th Apr 2011, 20:34, More)

» Road Trip

College coach trip
On a college-organised coach trip to Amsterdam, we were arriving at Dover when two of our party realised that they had forgotten their passports. Instead of heading back to London to fetch them, our tutor insisted that we carry on regardless and hope for the best. At every border check the two students in question wedged themselves into the footwells while we covered them with coats and bags.

We were instructed to be as loud and annoying as possible when the officials came. It worked every time - when faced with a coach load of rowdy and obnoxious British teenagers, the checkpoint staff were so keen to get rid of us that they waved us straight through. So we successfully smuggled two people in and out of several countries. On the way back I'm pretty sure that wasn't the only illegal cargo we had...
(Sun 17th Jul 2011, 2:17, More)

» Fairgrounds, theme parks, circuses and carnivals

Winning fish
When I was 6 Dad took me and my older brother to the local fair. I remember Mum repeatedly saying to us beforehand "Don't you dare come back with a goldfish!". So, of course on arriving at the fair we immediately asked Dad if it would be okay to go and win some fish. He said "yes". We returned to the house with two goldfish, and our very annoyed mother had to go out and buy a fish tank to put them in.

People reassured my mother that they wouldn't last long - but they lived for 11 years. Because she was now known as the family fish keeper, people kept offloading their children's fairground fish on her as well. Eventually she had to get a 15 gallon tank. I only started helping with the water changes after about 8 years...

She never trusted us to go to a fair without her again.
(Sat 11th Jun 2011, 21:46, More)

» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

Wasn't me, but...
One of my best friends at primary school, Laura, said her mum told her that she'd actually had a twin sister but at birth Laura came out first and farted in her sister's face, so she died.

Sweet Jeebus.
(Sun 19th Jun 2011, 23:19, More)

» Trolls

Officially condoned trolling
Part of my job is leaving comments on various articles on our website - to rile the readers and keep them coming back (boosts the page impressions).

If a user is being a complete cock (even if they haven't done anything 'officially' wrong), I will delete their comments repeatedly so they get REALLY angry and then freeze the thread, ensuring that they effectively lose the argument. Yes, I'm drunk with power. :D
(Sat 21st May 2011, 3:09, More)
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