» DIY Techno-hacks

Lighterless at College
Alas, all smokers know the true pain they experience, when they have all the requisite bits.......

........apart from fire.

Cue many a 3am experiment trying to make the damn lumpy camel shaped "ahem" rollies to light.

Oh what joy, to discover that a small piece of tinfoil inserted into the end of the cigarette, and then nuking it on high for 10-15 seconds in your mates microwave works a treat.

Well it didi for the cigarette at least....
(Sat 22nd Aug 2009, 15:43, More)

» How clean is your house?

Coffee - the little known facts.
We had a race at college, after my buddy and later flatmate (see previous post) met up with some lass through the classifieds and decided to get all intimate on our sofa.

We decided that a cup of coffee was the appropriate course of action as we didn't have a bucket of cold water to hand, so offered to make them both one.

After a bit they fucked off and no doubt did unspeakable things to each other, but at least not on my sofa (he lived down the road from us).

Three weeks later, the (untouched) cups of coffee were discovered, tucked away under the sofa, and so the coffee challenge was born!

You see, one of them took milk but no sugar, and the other liked it black and sweet, and after three weeks, we were getting a good head of growth on both those puppies.

Black and sweet rapidly took the lead, heaving out of the cup like some diseased phallus, though we were all curious as to the mould growth prospects of milky milky.
Bored mates would come round to see how our two pets were coming on, and were usually stunned by their progress which could be close to an inch a week.

Ultimately the end of term came along, and at the final measure, black and sweet was hung like a donkey at well over 10", whilst milky milky lagged behind somewhat at closer to 6".

Strange, but true - I really miss my student days, which passed in a stoned sea of filth, and I still believe that a proper day should start at 12pm
(Thu 25th Mar 2010, 20:24, More)

» How clean is your house?

Too Dutty to be true!
On another occasion, I was sharing with an old college friend who turned out to be rather less hygeinic than I hoped for when we moved in together.

Now don't get me wrong, I am well capable of playing the waiting game to see if the clean fairy will come and pick it up before I get round to it, but when my flatmate was "busting for a dump" and my other half was round and in the bath (only loo in bathroom) there was a bit of a predicament.

I heard nothing about it until later, and assumed he had hopped down to the pub, until he cruelly disillusioned me, by proudly announcing that he had just pulled down his kegs, shat in a sainsbury bag (in his bedroom) and then thrown it out the window onto the roof of the flats opposite.

I cringed every time I saw that sainsburys bag for the next 6 months until I fucked off out of there.

No, we don't talk anymore.
(Thu 25th Mar 2010, 20:10, More)

» Call Centres

It may be sick, but it works
I have two main means of dealing with cold callers, and which I choose basically depends on whether I am the only one in the office (I'm the boss, but it doesn't look too good to mess around loads in front of staff).

In company, just start answering in a monotone, then cut them off dead and ask them about Jesus. I have a handy couple of pages ripped out of Revelation in my top drawer, and I find reading from them normally produces a dead line inside of a minute.

Quiet office: heavy breathing is a must. This expands into panting and if you rub your hand back and forth over some papers on the desk, the noise is quite realistic.
I have only ever had one caller stay with me through the whole peformance, and I was quite disturbed to discover he WAS doing what I was pretending to do (or he was a VERY good actor who likes out-hoaxing people)

I always knew that the Tiscali call centres were staffed by wankers, but I didn't know it was literally true.....
(Thu 3rd Sep 2009, 23:25, More)

» Good Advice

Good Advice
If you have to ask yourself if its a good idea,
it is probably a very bad idea.

This applies to underage women you are about to shag,
strange pills you are about to swallow,
and just about anything you ask yourself when drunk.

On the other hand, it'll probably be fun, so do it anyway,
and fuck the consequences.....
(Wed 26th May 2010, 23:21, More)