b3ta.com user Jimple Fish
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» Nightclubs

Blind grind?
Not sure if you've heard of this and I can imagine a lot of you will consider it nothing short of deplorable, but I'll plough on regardless and tell you about the phenomenon known colloquially amongst myself and peers as the... blind grind. (It rhymes see? Very witty)


The event in question requires teams in excess of 2 and (unsurprisingly) a nightclub. Specifically, a nightclub with a dancefloor large enough to accommodate rapid drifting into the crowd (the reasons for this will become apparent shortly, although I predict the sharper amongst you can guess)

Basically, it involves finding a girl (or guy, lets not jump to any conclusions here) who is facing resolutely away from you and informing your friend that this will be the unwitting (and invariably unwilling) third member of your party which is their cue to take a wander round to the business end of the fortunate participant and await further instruction.

What follows is crucial to how the rest of the night will unfold; It is now your task to saunter behind this girl/uy and with all the sophistication and suavery you can muster, grind that shit. Chloroform optional. Having now passed the point of no return, you now look over to your friend, at the moment the only person who is aware of how attractive this individual is and give you the gladiatorial thumb signal of whether or not you have, to put it so poetically, bagged a hotty.

The vast majority of times this last point is a pointless one, as the only truly normal emotion that a typically level headed person should have at suddenly being accosted from behind and then (generally speaking) oh so subtly judged from in front is one of violation, objection, repulsion and a sudden interest in castration. On very rare occasion will you find the tactic successful, but this usually relies on the subject having not noticed your friend in front of them, having imbibed a copious amount of inhibition weakening substances or being violently unattractive, often all three.

Only very occasionally has the fabled blind grind resulted in me pulling girls I can claim to be proud of; I otherwise would probably have considered them out of my league and wouldn't have approached them in the first place. But yes, there was a *lot* of chaff - either me getting slapped, pushed or shouted at, or suddenly finding my plan backfire when the girl turns round and reveals her "good angle" is one that doesn't incorporate her face...

I know, I know. It is a horrifically chauvinistic and pathetic thing to get involved in, but at the same time it is:

a) A novel way to make the otherwise frustrating act of trying to dance your way into a person's pants a lot more entertaining, and makes for a good chuckle the next day with your friends.
b) Excellent for those with low confidence, lower shame and the ability to move quickly in a pickle (as I was when the game was introduced to me - you know who you are guys) who otherwise would rely on a girl to approach you just from checking out your sick shapes (you know full well that doesn't work)
c) Sometimes does result in them laughing when they realise what you're doing. I once did this to a girl in a club who turned, laughed and rejected me but then, having asked what that was all about, joined in! Didn't get any action that night, but that's not the point.
d) Teaches those mentioned in point b how ridiculous the concept of not talking to a girl on account of her being "out of your league" is. If she's out of your league, *she* will tell you. You'll never know if you don't try, and rejection very swiftly becomes something easily laughed off.

Anyway, that was my tuppence. Good luck, and god speed.

Length? Depends greatly on when they turn round.
(Wed 15th Apr 2009, 2:03, More)