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» Amazing displays of ignorance

All alone in the big bad London
and I was getting my first fridge delivered. Charged by my Dad's advice of not letting anyone in without I.D. I asked the delivery man if he had any.

"Yes" replied he "your fucking fridge"
(Sun 21st Mar 2010, 23:03, More)

» Letters they'll never read

To My (Hurrah!) Former Employer
I have several points to make, I would have made them to your face or by cowardly email but the industry in which we work is so small and incestuous that it would no doubt come back to bite me.

I will, instead, slag you off on the internet.

To the Cheif executive. You are not head of fucking NATO. You are the cheif executive of a CHARITY that employs less than 200 people doing a hard job for very little money. Learn at least some of their names. You need to be nice to people that work for you for less than the going rate. They need to feel valued in other ways. Perhaps it's not best, then, to publicly suggest that one or two of them lie down in the road to stop your shoes from getting wet. On the shoes, you are nearly 60 ffs. Sort it out. Put your tits away while you are at it, nobody is impressed.

To your underling. You are an extremely unpleasant little man. You are petty, and you need to learn some fucking humility. Again, you are working for a CHARITY. Perhaps, it is not best, then, to buy a brand new car and parade it around when there are people around you facing redundancy? It is also probably not a good idea to have 20 different pairs of glasses to match your jumpers? Besides the fact it is insensitive, you look like a cunt. You are also the only person I know that could be slapped in front of a crowd of 200 and I could be sure that there would be no witnesses.

To you all...It is not my fault YOU lost the contract that I manage. You refused to get me involved in your tender, insisting that the scant knowledge that you have of what the people that work for you actually do was enough to show how you would do the job in the future. It certainly isn't my staff teams fault so maybe you shouldn't have punished them by making sure half their pay went missing? Maybe it also wasn't a good idea to tell them that I was responsible? They didn't believe you anyway, because you are a bunch of monkey wanking thundercunts.


(Sat 6th Mar 2010, 19:49, More)

» The Soundtrack of your Life

It's funny
When the same thing pops into everyone's head at once, or their subconcious minds all work in exactly the same way.

I lost my Grandma in December. She was awesome. She died as suddenly as an 87 year old woman can. Her funeral was arranged for just under a week later. Her funeral was to be officiated by the chaplain of the local hospice. She came across as lovely, if a bit easily confused when making arrangements.

I don't think I'd be giving away too much information if I told you my grandma's name was Grace, as that's the name of every other person's grandma. All was going well in the service when the chaplain suddenly changed her name to Alice. Ignoring several mutters and coughs until she was interrupted by someone and corrected.

The service went well otherwise, and we all decamped to a local pub to remember her.

This is where the music comes in. I began to notice that every person that was singing, humming or whistling was doing so with the same song.

"Cos for 25 years I've been living next door to Alice. Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?!"

Grandma would have loved it. Miss you x
(Thu 28th Jan 2010, 14:17, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Care work numbs you to nudity...
I have worked with adults with learning disabilities for several years now, and have probably seen more tits, bums, willies and fannies than your average porn star, or indeed viewer.

There is, however, one incident that stands out. I was taking one of the residents on holiday with two other workers. We had hired a little cottage on the south coast of England and we were enjoying the freezing weather and lack of anything being open.
Now this particular gentleman spends a significant amount of time in the nude. He takes his clothes off at random and because he normally wears incontinence pads, once he has stripped everything off he just goes where he stands. He was also at the time suffering from a condition that caused swelling of the testicles. At this point he was on a waiting list for an operation and they were possibly at their biggest. I'm talking rugby ball sized.
Anyway, because we were in unfamiliar surroundings, in an unfamiliar place, this guy would just not settle. His clothes had come off and we were sitting round having a few beers, just like a normal evening, but with a naked man sitting in the corner. We decided we would sleep in shifs. I took the first shift awake. I sat up with him for a while, then he went to bed. I decided to take the bed next to him to relax, and I would read for a bit, before waking someone up to do the next shift.
I fell asleep.
Some kind of internal emergency alarm woke me a couple of hours later. I could hear giggling. I was disoriented as to where I was because I still had my clothes on, and I was not in my own bed. I turned my head, still lying down, just in time to see a cock and enormous balls, about 5cm from my face, with the man in question just getting ready to pee...

Luckily, I got away.

This really needs a length joke...Not as long as it would have been without the giant balls.
(Thu 28th May 2009, 20:43, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Almost forgot...
My friend was showing her boss how to use a new programme on the computer. She pointed to the computer and said "you need to open a new window".

Her boss got up and opened the window.

This woman is head of finance at a charity.
(Mon 22nd Mar 2010, 20:18, More)
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