» Gyms

fun alternative to hideous gyms
i'm too tight to pay for gym membership, and too lazy to feel obligated to go to get my moneys worth, if you want to be slim and have fun in the process, try the following top tips -

if you're sensible enough to smoke the herb, discipline yourself to not feed the munchies, fill up on squash instead for that full stomach feeling without the calories.

gym membership costs about £40 a month, a gram of mdma also costs £40,
divide the gram into four doses and go clubbing every other week, you'll get two months worth of excitement from that gram, a couple of months of that and you'll be wafer thin.

after consuming various amphetamines regularly over a period of years eventually your metabolism gets stuck on high, you can now curl up on the sofa with a big mac meal and a PS3 without fear of lardyism.
(Fri 10th Jul 2009, 14:20, More)

» Banks

all
banks are cunts.
(Thu 16th Jul 2009, 16:54, More)

» Festivals

stoneage conditions
prevent me from attending festivals as well as :

1) prefering drugs to booze and subsequently,
2) requiring a shower and clean clothes every 24hrs minimum, and then
3) liking a nice comfy place to rest/collapse

My mate however has been to several and recounts the only festival story that sticks in my mind -

while partaking in the horrific act of venturing inside a portaloo, he's presented with a steamy mountain of Dantean proportions, as he's only after a piss this seems temporarily bearable and while using one hand to steady himself sets about draining his tank. At this point a fat poofly takes off from the back of the mountain and starts buzzing around the cell. Fearing the kiss of the poofly, he uses the only weapon available since both hands are occupied and 'ghostbusters' style tries to knock out the fly with the stream of piss, this results in him pissing over most of the inside of the cell and still failing to get the fly. With the draining over he escapes to freedom before the poofly can slime him, a lucky escape.

I doubt that the cell was much worse off after the hosing down than before, the horror, the horror. Give me a long night in a club any time.
(Fri 5th Jun 2009, 15:42, More)

» Impulse buys

wabbits
went to a garden centre to buy a replacement stone bench thing for a neighbour, came away with no bench but bought a couple of bunnies instead, the cute little bastards.

they're both girls but take delight in taking turns humping each other, this upsets my wife for some reason. I'm making rabbit porn and selling it on ebay.

the original bench was horrible, i'm glad i broke it.
(Tue 26th May 2009, 13:20, More)

» PE Lessons

seasonal misery
cricket in the summer, rugby in the winter, no alternatives.

If the permafrost in the rugby pitch could be dented by the PE teacher stamping his studs then it was soft enough to play on, as the winter wind raced straight through my skinny frame and i tried to avoid the gorillas who had reached 6ft by age 14 pounding me into the ground.

I got my own back in cricket by wildly hurling a ball down the pitch?, missing the wickets and cracking the PE teacher square on the shin, bald cunt, serves him right, i was made to field forever after that.

I was overjoyed when finally able to take cross country running and we could jog/walk out into the gloucestershire countryside for an hour or so, peaceful it was.

competitive team sports can fuck right off, some of us are terminally antisocial

(quite liked rope climbing though due to my monkey like abilities and weighing about 5 stone wringing wet)
(Fri 20th Nov 2009, 12:26, More)