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Swallowing furniture

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» The In Laws

Anal christmas
My mother in law once gave me an anal thermometer as a Christmas present.
The packet it came in already been opened and then sellotaped shut again.
(Wed 14th Jun 2017, 20:37, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

Alien Breakfast
The worst meal I've ever eaten was at an "Irish" pub in Calais.

My girlfriend and I and a couple of friends had gone over on a wine run, and one of the friends hadn't eaten anything before going, so was whining about being hungry. We were in one of those French megamalls that no French people go to - they're strictly for tourists only. I said: "Well, wherever we eat, the food's going to be horrible, so let's just cut the middleman and go to MacD's." The friend said: "I didn't come to France to eat in a Macdonald's!" So we went to this authentic French "Irish" bar, which had an offer of a "Full English Breakfast" with a free pint. Well, the pint was 1/2 litre, which wasn't so bad, but the breakfast...

It was as if aliens had tried to reconstruct a full English breakfast, working only from photographs and things you could find in tins.

The 'sausages' were cold frankfurters - very high in sawdust content.
The 'bacon' was microwaved spam.
The 'eggs' were a hard to identify cold yellow mess, swimming in a green and grainy grease.
The 'baked beans' were simply white haricot beans in watered down ketchup. KETCHUP!

I'm not really getting across the sheer awfulness of it - I still feel nauseated just thinking about it, and it was ten years ago.

Bloody French.
(Sat 28th May 2011, 11:15, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Russell Brand
I have a whole load of things I don't understand the appeal of, but let's start with this annoying little tosser.

He reminds me of the sort of person no-one but simpletons and sheltered, otherwise friendless girls liked at university - "He's so ZANY!" - I tired of his whimsy before I heard the end of the first sentence I heard him begin, and I find his stubbly tranny without a dress appearance tiresome in the extreme.

He's the sort of person that stupid people think they like simply because he's on television all the time.
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 15:57, More)

» B3ta Person of the Year 2010

Matt Smith
Sorry to be all nerdy, but I thought he did a really good job.
(Fri 17th Dec 2010, 0:39, More)

» Narrow Escapes

I was out with an (ex) friend of mine, in the dead of winter in Scotland. We go to a club, he's on at me to do some fucking drugs concoction (he was a bit of a hobbyist in that area). I'm just out to get laid, so I say no. He spikes my fucking drink and gives me a dose of whetever the fuck it is. I'm completely unaware.

The rest of the evening is just flashes of memory. I'm out of the club with no coat. It's snowing. I'm getting a kicking. Wallet and keys have vanished. I'm getting very cold. I live about 7 miles away from the club. I get pulled into a car by some blokes. I've no strength to resist. I'm driven out to a roundabout on the ring road. I get pushed out. I get a kicking and when I can see again my shoes have gone. I'm lying in the middle of this roundabout. Not visible from the road, snow mounting on top of me , and I'm thinking: This is it, I'm going to die right here in the middle of this fucking roundabout. I close my eyes...

...and when I open them again I'm lying on the lounge floor of my house. I live alone, the house was still completely locked up with no windows broken or anything. I have no keys. I have no shoes. I feel like shit, I'm covered in bruises, but I'm warming up. I'm OK.

What the fuck happened there? Maybe I teleported. Maybe I did die and jumped a track somehow. I'm not a mental, so I can't really believe that stuff. It was all very fucking weird.

Anyway, I went round to the druggy bloke's house a couple of days later and when he answered the door and said "Fuck, were you out of it the other night mate, I was worried that I'd OD'd you." I popped him right on the fucking nose. I think I broke it. I turned on my heel and walked away. Never heard from the cunt again.
(Fri 20th Aug 2010, 14:28, More)
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