» The Dark

Airfield mishaps
Every now and again my friends and I have a private airsoft (paintballing without the paint and cooler looking guns for the uninitiated) in an airfield not too far from where I live. Because it's basically several giant open fields we always play the game over night (and invariably when it decides to piss it down with rain). The dark doesn't scare me, but the dark filled with the possibility of getting shot is quite tense.

The dark has a lovely habit of hiding things such as yourself, other players and natural hazards. My friend and I are going for the enemy base and manage to sneak up undetected. All well and good until I heard my mate say "Spack, over here..." *SPLASH*. Yup, he fell in a small river which blew our sneaky attempt, not only because of the sound of a man falling into a knee high river but because I was now pissing my self with laughter. We got shot out quickly after.

Another incident was on one of the coldest nights I've ever been out in. A mate and I are sitting happily chatting about stuff by our fire and guarding the base when we're ambushed, luckily my mate attracted every single shot that came in leaving me to run away with a chair stuck to my arse where my gears caught up in it. The enemy quickly try to take off with their objectives (a couple of barrels) but Mr "I've got a chair stuck to my arse" takes them out from behind, no chair is going to stop me from defending this place!

We've got another one coming up soon. I wonder what other fun and frolics will come of this one!

Length? 10 meters to cover with a chair stuck around my hips.
(Sun 26th Jul 2009, 23:16, More)

» The Boss

The boss was a cunt...
Whilst working for a fairly small self storage company I had a wonderful time with the seniors in my office.

Actually I'm lying.

There was a mixed bunch of us, There was a heavy metal bass player/singer (the one I got on with the best!), a pornography addicted fat bastard (larger than me!) and the biggest clean freak I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

When I joined I was told there would be office banter, fair enough I thought, what's the worst that can happen! Well it turns out that office banter actually turned into "Ridicule Dr.Spack". After being polite and helpful to customers I was always given the same response from my colleagues which was them saying how horrible I'd just been to the customer and that I'd just called them a dog shit eating cunt. Funny for the first few times but after a year I felt like punching someone.

Then there was the utter bollocks I would get from the clean freak AKA the big boss man himself. Everything would have to be 100% dust free and shining otherwise I'd get bollocked. My time spent at the job was that of a glorified cleaner which was bollocks seems as I signed up to be a salesman. So night after night I would be cleaning out storage rooms (which never satisfied the boss) and making sure everything had been faced up ready for the next days business. As hard as I tried all I got was grief because during the night a microscopic organism had ended up on a shelf or some other twattish excuse.

So the year (which was how long I was working there before getting fired, thanks boss!) dragged on and eventually the accident happened (big van with me driving, small ferrari parked next to the vans parking space and wet feet. Make your own conclusion!) £4800 on the insurance later and my time there was limited.

After coming back from holiday I was instantly fired, the cunt (who gleamed as if he bathed in Cillit Bang) could've told me that BEFORE I got to the fucking office.

There are many things I wish I could've said at the time, but being 17 and not one for confrontations I said fine, shook hands with the metal dude and went home.

After a few other shitty jobs there have only been a few managers who have made jobs fun. Working at a paintball site I had a manager who pretty much gave you everything free which was awesome... until he got fired and then we had the freak who felt everything had to have a sign on it took over. My current job has a couple of the best managers though, I get no grief, plenty of help when I need it (financial and other) and the company is amazing. So I piss on the faces of the previous managers who made life shit and carry on marching forwards knowing that my job has a much higher satisfaction rate than theirs.

99.9% of managers are cunts, there are a few exceptions that make boring jobs good fun. Get on with those managers and always know that it could be much much worse out there.

Length, 2 meters between me and the Ferrari before impact.
(Thu 18th Jun 2009, 13:39, More)

» Family Feuds

How loud can they go?
I get on fairly well with both my brothers... most days. However they will most nights do something that just gets right on my tits. They start banging their girlfriends. I'm single and I respect them for having a good time (lucky bastards) however it's the screaming and moaning that keeps me awake that's the problem! I have a sleep problem on the best of nights but when bedroom sports are hitting 5 on the Richter scale and there's more screaming going on than a death metal concert (not the same context screaming obviously!).

My older brothers bird is the worst, mainly because his room is right under mine. I don't know whether they have a competition to see who can make their girl orgasm the loudest or what, but what I know is that a 5.1 surround sound system and red tube will always win.
(Mon 16th Nov 2009, 15:54, More)

» Gyms

Run away!
Ah the gym, the smell of people working out, the sight of bouncing womens jubblies whilst they pretend to run 5 miles. I don't get there enough to shed the weight caused by far to many pizzas. Working out alone is boring but when you're with friends it's OK.

Anyways, after the gym came a nice relaxing swim. Well, usually relaxing until we knew that when late at night nobody used the pool we could have some fun. It started harmlessly enough, beating the shit out of each other with the floats and then it moved on to us bringing a small football in to play with. It was normal for one of us to go home feeling semi concussed after having a ball fly into the side of your head at high speeds.

The other cool thing was the women, oh yes there were some hotties there for all to see. The steam room was the best place as they would generally lay down on the seats, a well positioned man would have a problem hiding the evidence that he was perving, unless he made the quick dash out of the steam room and jumped into the pool, which would then feel like you were jumping into a lake in the Arctic. Guaranteed boner removal.

So yea, gyms are good for perving at women in tight clothing/swimsuits depending where you are and for seeing who can hold their breath the longest in the pool before almost drowning.

Sorry for length, she was wearing the smallest bikini top ever!
(Thu 16th Jul 2009, 12:08, More)

» Unexpected Nudity

Needs more insulation!
Not something I've seen with my own eyes... only mentally.

So I still live at home with both my brothers and my parents. One brother's room is below me and the other's room is next to mine (separated by a fairly thin wall).

Now both brothers have girlfriends whilst I have to settle for the unlimited grumble material that resides on the interweb.

Anyways said brothers usually partake in the evenings pleasure of banging their girlfriends at high volumes. This in turn leads to the unpleasant mental image of your own brethren going at it all night. They're not even subtle about it, I'm trying to get some sleep and all I get is "Tom, TOM! oh oh" etc. I'm sorely tempted to get my own back and just blast pron through my surround sound speaker at high volumes to see how they like it.

Then there was that time at a mates house party. I'm being anti social and chatting to a mate on MSN briefly when in flies my friend locking the door behind him... whilst in his pants. Not nude but very unexpected! I bravely step forwards, open the door and shout to the 5 ladies standing there (who were now wondering when Mr. Handsome turned into Mr Blobby with a few extra pounds and a wig) that they take me instead. The barge me out the way and ravage my friend. Two things I didn't want to see that night, my mate in his under crackers running towards me at full pelt and then said mate getting jumped on by 5 birds. Lucky git, why the fuck was he running?

Length? Couldn't see past the cotton and I'm not going to imagine it either!

First post after muchos lurking.
(Thu 28th May 2009, 14:23, More)