» Food sex

Cucumbers in painful places
Less my food sex experience but that of a (thankfully) former flatmate of mine. She was a bit of a nutter for a lot of reasons, but this is the only one that fits this question...

(Insert wavy lines)

I got back from work and popped into her room to say hi and was a bit suprised to see a cucumber I had bought a couple of days ago lying on the bedroom floor. When I queried its presence on her floor she explained, in a very matter of fact kind of way, how it got there.

Essentially her boyfriend had visited earlier and, being a bit bored, somehow things had progressed in a direction that ended up with my cucumber being inserted into her ass. She even helpfully pointed out the milky love-stains her boyfriend had thoughtfully sprayed up the bedroom walls following said insertion.

Seeing the slight look of disturbance (combined with slight arousal - she was pretty hot) on my face, she immediately said "oh it's fine, you can still use it - I'll just wash the shit off".

Charming girl...

If the right question comes up I might even share the story of how she tried to lure me into a threesome with crack-addict Buddist monk.

Length? Long enough to pop my cherry.
(Fri 7th Aug 2009, 12:55, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

Not me
But a friend. Being possessed of an interesting sense of humour and being bored on a sunday afternoon, my friend went out one and thoroughly cleaned a patch of pavement outside his house. He then microwaved a Mars bar until it was soft and gooey, and looked most like a poo. He then placed this imitation poo on the cleaned patch of pavement in an authentic poo shape. He then went back into the house and casually suggested to his housemates that they go for a drink at the nearby pub, which they were very happy to do.

On walking outside the house he then said to his flatmates "Hey, watch this", got down on his hands and knees, and began eating the imitation poo off the pavement, making sure to smear it all over his hands and face.

This would have been funny enough, except that one of his flatmates flipped out at seeing him eat a freshly laid turd and began screaming hysterically, closely followed by repeatedly punching my friend in the face.

Oh how we laughed.
(Sat 28th May 2011, 4:26, More)

» The Police II

Scream if you want to go to prison
True story from a friend of mine who is a fully paid up member of The Filth. We'll call him Bert, mostly because I liked Sesame Street.

Bert was a beat officer in a somewhat shady southern city and was called to a restaraunt late at night following an anoymous telephone call reporting an armed robbery. It was all dark and closed up so he banged on the door and a waiter opened it. He denied all knowledge of a robbery or that he'd called the police. Being in possession of a suspicious mind and not afraid to use it Bert insisted on searching the building.

Having got to the managers office he found a woman tied to a chair and gagged. Being unusually sharp for a member of the bacon club this was Bert's first indication that not all was as it should be. He untied the woman, who said that she was the manager of the restaraunt and had just been robbed of the nights takings at knife-point by a man wearing a Scream mask. Helpfully, from Bert's perspective at least, she then pointed to the waiter who'd answered the door and said "It was him". Bert's eyes lit up at the prospect of an easy conclusion and he promptly arrested the waiter for armed robbery.

However, the waiter said that he had just been clearing up downstairs, denied that he'd done anything and that someone else must have broken in, robbed the manager and then called the police to let the manager go. The manager, in turn, insisted that it was him, pointed out that they'd worked together for years, and she'd recognise him even with a Scream mask on. In the absence of any other evidence, this meant that more detective work was needed for our intrepid Bert. He searched the restaraunt building and found, in a toilet tank, a Scream mask in an Asda plastic bag. However, presented with this evidence, the waiter insisted that he'd never even heard of the film Scream, had no idea what a Scream mask was and had never even seen one before Bert showed it to him.

However, in a novel twist that not even CSI:Las Vegas would stoop so low as to use, the criminal had helpfully left in the bag an Asda receipt. Putting the Asda bag and Asda receipt together Bert leapt to the dramatic conclusion that the mask had been purchased in an Asda store. As the receipt had a time stamp and store details on it, Bert immediately sped to the Asda store, probably with lights and sirens, and seized the CCTV. On viewing the footage from the camera covering the children's toy aisle he spotted our friend the waiter strolling down the aisle and pausing at the mask section. Carefully studying the choices available to him, he eventually picked up a fresh new Scream mask. Obviously intent on setting up the perfect crime, he then tried it on to make sure it fitted.

Bert told me that when he played the footage to the waiter (who, remember, had denied ever seeing such a mask before) he turned white and asked to speak to his lawyer. I like to think that a small tear rolled down his cheek at the same time.

Length? About 4 years.
(Wed 11th May 2011, 22:55, More)

» Helicopter Parents

Don't f**k with my mother
Once, back in the mists of time before adulthood, I was a very small six year-old boy. I had moved schools about a year earlier and, frankly, was having a bit of a miserable time. I missed my old friends, was lacking in any kind of social skills and, as I had switched midway through the primary school process almost everyone knew each other and decided, quite quickly, that they didn't like me.

There was one particular boy called Michael who made my life a misery. On top of being pretty evil to me when given the chance he told everyone that I had germs (this was primary school and presumably "Rectum Ranger" had not yet entered common vocabulary) and this led to widespread mockery and refusal to sit next to me in class, reducing me to the lowest point of my young life (cue muffled sobs).

Eventually, after much crying and refusing to go to school, my mum wheedled out of me that I was being pretty severely bullied and that Michael was the culprit. She, in her inimitable way, decided to take her own form of direct action.

The next day she took me into school and had me point young Michael out. She then walked over to him and, in a sweet parental kind of way, asked if she could sit down and talk to him. He agreed and she started by saying that she had heard that we had been having problems and that he was being mean to me and she wanted resolve this. She then proceeded to explain that my dad was a dentist and that, unless he stopped being mean to me this very second, he would "come into school tomorrow and slowly rip all his fucking teeth out".

I have never seen in my whole life seen such a look of pure fear and terror even on an adult, let alone on the face of a six-year old boy. All this was within full view of my teacher and delivered in soft soothing parental tones.

I feared the backlash but Michael took this warning to heart and made it his personal mission to be my very best friend for the rest of my time at that school. We never discussed it so I never learnt if he had a change of heart or whether he was just terrified of getting on the wrong side of me. I bet he's still got a phobia of dentists though.

Somehow I don't think you'd be able to get away with that these days...

My mum was pretty scary when she wanted to be though. She once physically threatened an NYPD officer who tried to stop her getting Brooke Shields' autograph for me, and made him back down too. I didn't even know who she was.

No apologies for length - I was six so I'm guessing a cocktail sausage had one over me
(Thu 10th Sep 2009, 19:52, More)

» Conversation Killers

Not me but a friend
Her friend (lose connection I know...) was in a bar and had gotten lucky. Pressing his new found lady friend up against a wall he was engaging in some passionate tongue tango. For reasons that I don't understand, he then pulled away and said "Urrrgh, you kiss like my mum".

Apparently, this was not a good thing to say though, if it was true, that was probably best for everyone.
(Fri 13th May 2011, 20:59, More)