b3ta.com user The Phantom Postgrad
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» The Boss

My boss is the worst in Britain - officially. ACTUALLY officially.
I work for an organisation that is managed by an ageing dictator. Let's call him... Mr Footcosy. Physically, imagine a cross between Mr Burns and Mr Rumbold from Are You Being Served? and you won't be far off.

Now, I say dictator, for dictator he is. All the classic signs are there:

- Extremely rich? Check.
- Policy decided on a whim and changed according to his mood? Check.
- Ex-lovers, illegitimate children and cronies shoved into positions of power? Check.
- People mysteriously vanishing? Check (dismissed rather than dismembered, we hope).
- Vaguely Communist tendencies? Check (doesn't extend to paying the workers more though).
- Grip on reality becoming tenuous in old age? Check
- The gossip is he was involved in some African coup a few years back. I'm not convinced this is true, but the thing is, knowing him, it IS actually plausible. He was certainly in Africa for several years.

Anyway, the title of this post states that he is officially the worst boss in Britain. A bold claim, you cry. But I can back it up. Wavy lines alert...


The organisation (or should I say disorganisation hahaha) in question employs a lot of writers. Several years ago now, Mr Footcosy happened to piss off a couple of the hacks who were working for him. This in itself is nothing unusual. He pisses everyone off, sooner or later. But these two left the company and eventually found themselves working for a tabloid newspaper.

Where they penned a brief article entitled: "Is this the worst boss in Britain?" adding a photograph of Footcosy with devil horns drawn in for good measure. This was pre-internet, but I have seen a photocopy of the article in question.

Naturally, upon reading said article, Mr Footcosy was slightly disgruntled. Indeed, he took it upon himself to write a letter to the tabloid's editor expressing his complete lack of gruntlement. What was in that letter I have never found out, but it must have been pretty juicy because, rather than winning damages for libel, the two journalists sued HIM for defamation in front of a third person (the editor). He lost, and was forced to settle.

The tabloid was never forced to retract or apologise for the article it had published. So, when I call my boss the worst in Britain, I have LEGAL PRECEDENT backing my claim up.


Other stories I have heard about him. Most I know to be true, the last two are only hearsay. All are entirely believable.

- Once asked a girl at interview 'if she had ever had a Spaniard.'

- Said that the grandfather of a half-German guy he was interviewing 'was probably a Nazi.'

- My own interview with him consisted largely of a discussion about the politics of Korea - a topic I know nothing about, and that had no relevance to the job I was applying for. I got the job, so going 'hmm' and nodding wisely at intervals was clearly enough to impress him.

- Requested massages from various female staff members.

- Hired a girl to edit the mildly pornographic memoirs of his "uncle". Worked closely with her for several months before realising book was shit. Got someone else to fire girl. When girl confronted him to ask why he hadn't had the decency to fire her in person, slapped her arse as she left. Too many other stories of harassment to relate. It's like working in 1973 sometimes, it really is.

- He's incredibly tight, so our offices are decaying, and smell strongly of dead rat in the summer.

- We are now banned from our most recent Christmas party venue because he refused to pay a perfectly reasonably wine bill.

- Once slept with a woman he was interviewing, and then didn't even offer her the job.

- Banned from the local baths for swimming in his underpants.
(Tue 23rd Jun 2009, 23:21, More)

» The Boss

Quotes from the boss
Remembered since my previous post. The same, elderly, head of the company:

BOSS: Ah, John, hello. Do you like my vase of flowers?
JOHN: Yes, sir, they're very nice.
BOSS: Hmmm... I'd rather be looking at a Beautiful Naked Woman, though, wouldn't you?
JOHN: Errr... yes, sir?
BOSS: Tim! Tim, come here!

[Enter Tim, BOSS's creeping - and camp - PA]

BOSS: Tim, wouldn't you rather be looking at a Beautiful Naked Woman than these flowers?
TIM: [creepingly]: Oh, yes sir.
BOSS: Right, that was all.

*He later had to be talked out of firing every gay in the building.

[on learning that one of his female employees was moving to another floor of the building.]

BOSS: Oh, that's a shame, Janet. You're always so cheery! You have such a lovely smile. Sometimes I sit here in my office and I just... look at you...

(Wed 24th Jun 2009, 22:08, More)