» The Boss

Chronicles of a Pretentious Self Righteous Turd!
I worked for a man on several occasions who was definitely knitting with only one needle, and could have an entire book devoted to some of his workplace antics. Somehow he has managed to keep the company going for 25 years, something that can be attributed to the string of intelligent designers he employs, annoys the fuck out of and then slags off when they resign. Myself and a former colleague had a great time playing around with the 25 years of keeping your promises rosette image he made us stick on our work emails but that is another story...

My boss Mike, I wouldn't do the injustice to anyone elses name, had a wide repetoire of stupid idioms that were only half and/or wrongly remembered, would give unwelcome personal and relationship advice for problems he thought you had. What really pissed me off was his never-ending quest for complete and total adoration from everyone.

At a time when I had problems with a pair of old ladies so entrenched into their ways that you would sooner put a stake through their heart than attempt to reason with them, he proved exceptionally dense. After an extremely unsuccessful meeting to resolve the problem between them and myself I sent an email at how disappointed I was that the meeting went in the direction of whomever shouted the loudest, but that I was more interested in getting my work done than pursuing the grudge. This got forwarded onto the MD, Mike. Mike doesn't read; I have yet to determine whether he can or if he is so convinced of his omniscience that he does not need to, and decided I had threatened the staff and the Sub(human)manager - off to the office I go! He starts off badly, 'I don't like long emails' that may have something to do with my cruelty in picking the most cumbersome words I can whenever I know an email will go his way, and soon launches into the trouble I can get into for threatening colleagues and gave the immortal line 'I know people don't think I know anything, but I've got my ear to the ground; I know which way the wind is blowing'.

It was at this point I asked him if he had read my email, rather perplexed by my reaction to his macho-man routine (I was trying not to laugh) began attempting to regain the intiative decided perhaps to give a quick flick through. Realising he had perhaps gone the wrong way he proceeded to change the subject. Onto one of his personal favourites when he wants to talk to me off the clock. My marriage.

I got married young at 20, and I'm still married at 23 happily with one child, and it really irked him because he decided I needed his guidance (maybe he fancied himself Yoda that day? we'll never know), and politely declined since he had little knowledge about myself, my plans and my fiancé. When I returned from America to work there my wife was 5 months pregnant, and very quickly some nasty gossip was around that I was unhappy, wanted out and had urged my wife to get an abortion - and I always had a good idea who started it.

Mike was always keen to remind me marriages nowadays fail, preparing statistics and bizarre scenarios that involved my wife in a way I found to be very insulting ('got to watch those American women, they're all big cheaters' I asked him if he had ever been romantically involved with an American and since he said no I had to take his advice at 'face value', the clear subtext being - bullshit). I quite often made it clear I did not want these conversations on several occasions, which he interpretted as 'try again later'.

So here we were again. 'Has the novelty worn off being married yet?' and similar inane statements like 'you should keep an eye on that wife of yours' and felt that having never met my wife was no obstacle to criticising her. After a crushing 15 minutes of this and my patience finally expended our chat came to a close with a patronising clip around the back of my head and a 'just remember what I told you' that had nearly cost him the function of his legs but fortunately resulted in a rather limp 'don't be an ass' which still mortally wounded the c*nt.

Still, come the christmas party my wife really went to town, looked beautiful and being native american was a stark contrast to Mike's hyperbland spouse with all the conversational value and attractiveness of a carpet tile. I personally did not like the leers she received from Mike or Robocop - the turdish salesdrone - but it was still one of those rare moments of pleasure I had it that time there.

Do not miss the place. Still, moved away, got a new job which royally pissed him off because I had not told him when I would be moving.
(Tue 23rd Jun 2009, 17:52, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Crime is only a matter of profit margines
Back when I was young and foolish and earnestly saw the value in the noisey plastic, I was on a pay as you go deal-io, and found I kept getting random advertisement messages I'd never invited or replied to but each text message rinsed at least £1.10 off my balance. The first couple of occasions I just ignored it but it accelerated to such a point where I would be down nearly £5.50 a week for receiving unwanted text messages!

So, I call up the customer support (an ingenious invention whereby a company can avoid resolving mistakes and other piss-fucking-poor service by populating the helplines with a drooling pack of mouth-breathers) and explain the problem and see absolutely no sodding problem with this.

Phone-monkey 'I see you top up at least £20 a month, though, so that shouldn't be a problem.'

Clearly the 'tard thinks I am happy having this money stolen from me and I set about explaining I consider this theft and I want these advertisements blocked, but apparently this can't be done. Still beaming with the knowledge of a job well done the sodding pleb asks me if I want to buy a new bolt on for 100 free texts or whatever for £10 a week/month.

'I'll leave it for now, since I'm paying twenty quid a month already.'

'Fair enough, thank you for calling. For reference my name is-' Click.

Shit it. Fuck you Oh-two.
(Thu 30th Jul 2009, 17:49, More)