b3ta.com user dr_fonz
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hello. I am a jobsworth working for b3ta

Finally, after years of using some free space I conned out of the little known ISP Dialstart, they cottoned on and axed their services. So all my images have vanished, apart from a few new ones. I do have backups of some of them somewhere, but I'd have to find them. Until then, enjoy the redexes and be awed by the number times I have managed to con them into posting a redex on the front page.

Recent front page messages:

...Fed up with snoring?

* satisfaction guaranteed
(Thu 10th Mar 2005, 15:07, More)

Through the goggles...
What he had on that paper

(Fri 4th Feb 2005, 17:16, More)

I asked santa for one of these....

... hope i get it!

ps. Merry christmas all, i'm off to eat turkey soon, and ta for the xmas fp!
(Wed 24th Dec 2003, 11:25, More)

I say!

Wonders never cease!

ps. Huzzah!
(Fri 14th Nov 2003, 14:47, More)

Hitchcock was a fan of the


edit: yay! and my first post in months too!

(Mon 18th Aug 2003, 16:48, More)

I did this the other day

it's probably totally wrong, whatever, there was a reason for it but i can't be bothered to explain (or use uppercase) but anyways, it's the first photoshop i've done in months so suffer
(Wed 13th Aug 2003, 22:32, More)

(Fri 9th May 2003, 11:12, More)

You dirty rat!

(Wed 23rd Apr 2003, 15:33, More)

This is actually a real ride...

make it large

... sort of
(Tue 25th Mar 2003, 13:30, More)

Couldn't be arsed to think of anything...

... so I just used yesterday's template.
(Tue 18th Feb 2003, 13:47, More)

Colin Powell releases video footage of Saddam's "illicit" activities...

the cheeky monkey!
(Thu 6th Feb 2003, 14:49, More)

Three days late for the bandwagon...

You have no idea!
(Fri 31st Jan 2003, 15:35, More)

The short-necked giraffe really didn't last very long...

poor thing!
(Fri 24th Jan 2003, 13:06, More)

It all went horribly wrong...
I had this vision when I woke up this morning, but it kinda didn't come out in the same technicolour way I saw it...

Think I ate too much cheese last night!
(Tue 21st Jan 2003, 12:50, More)

I've got that friday feeling...

(Fri 17th Jan 2003, 10:38, More)

Who's a happy man now?

OK OK musta bin done before, but I have this thing about Blunkett... Can't get him outta my head :(
(Tue 14th Jan 2003, 16:24, More)

Patrick "G" Stewart

Thought I'd combine my 2 heroes in one handy package... Why o why o why. I need to get a life.
(Tue 14th Jan 2003, 10:18, More)

Somebody musta done this before....

but, like, i'm new in these parts......
(Thu 9th Jan 2003, 15:04, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Petty Sabotage

Ratings booster
A friend and I regularly sabotage the blog of a guy we went to school with and haven't had any contact with for 15 years.

For instance we both spent about 5 hours pressing F5 to boost the hitcounter on a photo of his ugly wife with a couple of fat slappers, so he's now wondering why that particular photo has been viewed 34621 times while all the others have been viewed only 2 or 3 times.

He has no idea who we are or why we are doing this to him... To be honest, we have no idea why we are doing this to him either.
(Wed 4th May 2005, 11:45, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

Hmm... When did I realise it was over?
Was it when she caused a massive scene for no reason, at a party, in front of all of my friends, for the tenth time? Nope.

When she caused a massive scene for no reason at my friend's wedding? Erm, nope.

When she had a huge row with my mother, for absolutely no reason at all, and then refused to see or speak to any member of my family again, because they were all "against her"? Umm, nope.

When I was chatting to some friends, one of whom happened to be female, and she accused me of having an affair? ...Nope.

When she got really upset because she found out that some of my colleagues were actually female, and insisted that I "don't work with them"? Erm, no, still nope.

When she accused me of spending hours on my computer having a long-distance affair, even though she knew full well I DIDN'T HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION? Umm, err.... Nope.

When she spent an entire journey across London screaming at the top of her lungs that I was gay (I'm not, just in case you were wondering) then continued in the same vein back at our flat, then accused me of hitting her, called the police, put the phone down and when they rang back told them she'd "dialled a wrong number" - all in front of my best friend? Yes? You would think so... but still nope.

When I realised I was spending every evening sitting in the local woods with a sharp knife rather than going home to her? Nope, just going through a bad patch

It was only when my friends told me categorically they didn't want to ever be in the same room as her that I finally decided to pull the plug. What can I say, I'm stubborn.

Dumb bitch got engaged three months after I finally ditched her. I pity the poor guy.

Obligatory length/girth wisecrack
(Thu 21st Jul 2005, 16:15, More)

» Breakin' The Law

One night a friend and I were incredibly drunk (no surprise there)
we were walking down Trafalgar Square, and he was so drunk he could hardly walk, instead adopting a sort of stompy stagger. A police car pulled up and the officer asked if he was OK. I said "yes, he's fine, he always walks like that"... For some reason they believed me and drove off smiling.

Another friend's dad decided to blast a squirrel in his garden with a shotgun right in the middle of the 2 minute silence for Diana's funeral. Seconds later the whole street was crawling with police, but they didn't catch him.
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 16:42, More)

» Jobsworths

Not so much a jobsworth but...
I'm getting sick of posts which start with "Not so much a jobsworth but...". The question is about jobsworths, if you're not commenting about a jobsworth why the fuck are you commenting at all? FFS.
(Fri 13th May 2005, 12:26, More)

» When I met the parents

It was like death warmed up
First time I met my first -ex's parents was about a year and a half after we started going out. She called me up to say they were all in hospital and she wanted me there... I arrived about 5 minutes before the doctor came along to say her mum had just died, then had to tag along while she and her dad and some random wailing aunt "said goodbye".

First time I met the parents, and first time I ever saw a dead body, all in the same 5 minutes.

I honestly didn't know what to say...
(Tue 24th May 2005, 15:28, More)
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