b3ta.com user Atomised
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» Gyms

Epic Gym Fail
First post! woot!

This is still one of the most embarrassing things ever to happen to me. Strangely enough, it doesn't involve the loss of bodily functions or drunken twattery.

So, a few years ago I decided to join a gym. Now, I'm quite tall but skinny. Lanky, if you will. The idea was I would try to bulk up a little to stop looking like the 10 stone weakling I clearly was. I've since got bigger using the beer method.

I met with the trainer, who had muscles in places where I don't even have places and started the work out. Being surrounded by blokes casually lifting more than their own bodyweight I thought I'd better make an effort and really push myself. So I did. And all was going according to plan,until after an hour or so when the increasingly knackered Atomised got to the last obstacle: The bench press.

He gave me a quick demo on the free weights and then I lay down to have a go myself. I thought I'd better not exert myself with too much weight whilst I was still learning the technique, but even so, when I lowered the bar onto my chest, that was it. My arms gave way and and I couldn't lift the bar back up again.

The trainer and a couple of other muscle bound freaks saw me squirming under bar and ambled over to pluck it off me, the mirth dancing in their eyes.

But why is this such an epic fail? Surely there is no dishonour in failing such a herculean task?

Because, my fellow b3tans, there were no weights.
I failed to lift the bar.

Oh, the shame.

Length? about 5 foot of shiny steel...
(Tue 14th Jul 2009, 16:56, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Dear Mary, wife of Joseph, Nazareth
Listen up sweetheart, are you sure you've thought this through properly?

Just because your hubby can't meet your needs and you've been balls deep in goat herders the last few months doesn't mean you can make up any old bollocks now that you're up the duff. What happened to simple honesty? why not just tell him the truth? One thing is certain, if you persist in telling people that ridiculous story about being impregnated by the "holy spirit", there will be consequences.

Love, Atomised
(Sat 6th Mar 2010, 12:53, More)

» Iffy crushes

Debbie Harry
She was stunning back in the day with Blondie and she's still gorgeous now. At the age of 66. Old enough to be my granny and I still would without a moments hesitation.

That is all.
(Wed 12th Oct 2011, 18:20, More)

» Ginger

Tim Minchin
said it best:

(Thu 25th Feb 2010, 23:28, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

Not so much how a mobile wrecked my life...
but more how I wrecked my mobile.

A couple of years back I was the proud owner of a Motorola something-or-other. It wasn't top of the line, the battery lasted about a day if I was lucky and it weighed as much as a small moon, but at least it looked cool.

One night I was at a party. At some point in the early hours the neighbours called the rozzers and we all got kicked out. I pull out my phone to get a taxi and- the horror!- I find that somehow I've smashed the screen despite not having used it all night.

Most sober people in this situation would take it to the shop the next day and get it changed for free, but not fucknuts here. In my inebriated state I thought "meh" and threw it at the nearest wall as hard as I could. Miliseconds after it left my hand I remember thinking "maybe this isn't such a good idea after all" as it then shattered into a thousand pieces. I was right. Had to pay for an inferior phone and they tied me into a new 18 month contract I didn't want.

That'll learn me. I'm now on pay as you go with Asda Mobile.

'ave it.
(Mon 3rd Aug 2009, 13:35, More)
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