» The Dark

We weirded THEM out
So, broke and studenty and New Year we decided camping in Thetford Forest would be a chipper notion.

Found a clearing, errected tentage, lit fire, drank everything, smoked everything, loosed celebratory fireworks, sat there warming in the glowing embers.... which also gave the only light by about five in the evening.

It was early, we were wrecked, everything was just peachy.

Then through the wood came men with torches, making their way towards us. To our stoned logic it seemed that if we sat very still and small and very very quiet they wouldn't notice us.

They did.

They made many grumbly fascist noises about things to do with fire and woods and camping and fireworks and bloody students etc.

Nobody said a word.

Nobody moved.

Nobody engaged in eye contact.

It was as if they were invisible to us.

They left, perplexed.

We sighed.
(Wed 29th Jul 2009, 10:19, More)

» Helicopter Parents

It was Daf 44 variomatic in case you care


Not quite sure if this qualifies, but here goes….

Back as a young dogfoodbloke at posh school I was required to join the Combined Cadet Force. This involved hours of pointless shoutiness and crawling through muck being bullied by wannabee officers – mostly sadistic Geography teachers. There was also the occasional discharging of firearms, which was cool… but too high a price to pay for the general misery and militaristic bullshit.

Each Wednesday afternoon was parade day. Tuesday night was, therefore, spent polishing boots, belt, brass huffing, ironing shirt etc. Formal inspection each time, and woe-betide anyone improperly dressed or other-than perfectly turned out; the sadists loved a “non-conformist” and would become imaginative about their methods of exacting humiliating revenge. Wednesday lunchtime we had to get into uniform for parade.

One Wednesday I realised I had left my beret at home. Rang mummy to say are-you-going-shopping / can-you-bring-my-beret-if you-are. Nope. Not a chance, staying in all day, tough shit, you should have packed kit properly like I told you to, etc. Cue a couple of hours of abject misery for me, anticipating the 3.15 bollocking from the bullying bastards owing to lack of hat.

At the appointed hour, there I am standing on parade, sans green headgear. Much sniggering from rest of group looking forward to my crawling-through-poo-whilst-being-shouted-at punishment. The officer walks down the line; ten away; nine away; eight away; buttocks clenched; seven away omigiodhesgonnakillme; six away. Then in the distance I heard the distinctive clatter of my mother’s air-cooled car. She screeched into view and stopped at the school gate by the playground on which we were assembled. I froze. Five away; four away. Still frozen. The window wound down and my beret was frisbeed in my general direction. Three away, didn’t break ranks, two away; ohfuckohfuckohfuck. What to do, bollocking from parent Vs bollcking from sadistic bastard…. continue to freeze. Then she bellowed “You ungrateful bastard” from inside the car before clattering off.

Officer bloke: “pick up your hat dogfoodbloke”.

He calculated, rightly, that any punishment he could imagine was nothing near as horrid as having “you ungrateful bastard” screamed at me for the rest of my time at school. I was ten.
(Fri 11th Sep 2009, 11:43, More)

» Helicopter Parents

Is it nearly Friday yet?


Fucksox, only Tuesday

I will ask mummy to end the QOTW early, and if you don't she will visit you and make you. So there.






I'm off for milky..... mmmmmmm..... milky milky
(Tue 15th Sep 2009, 11:22, More)