» Shops and Supermarkets

Fast runner
I worked for a well known purveyor of sports clothing, the one the rioters really like. A fella came in with a pair of trainers in a box that he said were faulty. However, before he would show them me he said that they were his sons, and his son doesn't lie. Ever. So before I look at them I have to understand that his son is telling the truth. Ok, says I, lets have a look whats happened.

He took out a shoe that was pretty much brand new, no damage, bit of muck on it but otherwise fine. Then he took out the second shoe. This looked as though it had been attacked with a blowtorch. The sole and midsole was totally melted. You know when you have a pizza, and lift a slice up, and the cheese goes stringy? There were whisps of rubber like that. This was a pair of Nike running shoes, visible air bubble and all. It was completely gone.

He said his son was running in the playground and decided he needed to speed up to overtake his friend and he must have gone so fast that he melted the sole. But just one of them. As you can imagine, I'm struggling to remain professional here. Theres a grin creeping up on me that is getting hard to resist. I asked how old his son was, 15 was the answer. So we've got a potential Usain Bolt on our hands here it seems. I pointed out that world class sprinters would wear shoes of this ilk and that wouldnt happen, but no, his son doesn't lie.

20 minutes later I'm still not getting through to him that some external heat source, other than friction, must have been applied to it. We'd been round and round and round and he was starting to make a scene, telling other customers that I was selling defective shoes etc. So I said as a gesture of goodwill I'd send the shoes of to head office for them to inspect, maybe they could send them to Nike or something. He agreed to this.

Fast forward 3 days and the bloke at head office is on the phone pissing himself at the story. They're not getting swapped so they're coming back to the customer. I rang the guy when they arrived and far from being angry with me, he was very cordial and almost sheepish. He agreed to come and pick the shoes up. When he arrived he said his son had a confession to make. Turns out his mate had nicked his shoe during a lesson and hidden it. On top of a boiler/radiator or something. It had melted the sole and keen to avoid a pasting from angry dad, he'd made up his sprinting story.

That was one of the saner customers we used to get.
(Thu 10th May 2012, 14:17, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Remembered another
We were talking about our upcoming holiday when a friend mentioned that near where we're going is a huge water park, one of the biggest in the world he says. 'Our world?' pipes up his girlfriend.
(Mon 22nd Mar 2010, 7:57, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Remembered another
When talking about chance and probability etc the subject of the buttered toast landing butter side down came up. One particularly dim colleague swore blind that it was true that it always landed butter side down no matter what height it was dropped from and how. I seized on this opportunity to back her up by saying it was like cats, they always land on their feet no matter what height the fall etc. She was delighted that there was further proof for her to rely on. Until I told her that it had been proven by strapping some buttered toast to the back of a cat and throwing it from a tree. The equilibrium meant the cat span round in mid air.

Her only comment was 'that sounds a bit cruel but I guess they had to prove it somehow'.
(Thu 18th Mar 2010, 23:58, More)

» Breasts

Hayfever?
In 1982 I was 9 years old. We went on a family holiday to Salou with my cousins family. Topless sunbathing was a new thing to us and very exciting to say the least. Me and my cousin were loving it and were amazed that our dads hadn't really noticed it. In fact, they were more bothered about the pollen count. They mentioned the pollen count daily, usually when we were on the beach and a discussion was held as to whether it was low medium or high. Strange behaviour.


5 days into the holiday I learnt that 'pollen' count had a different meaning to what I thought.

Pendulous
Orbs
Lying
Lazily
Every
Noon

Clever way of talking about tittybongos without the kids realising.
(Sat 8th May 2010, 18:48, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

R and B
Not proper Rythm and Blues, but the new fangled rubbish. I've no idea how to 'mack a ho' or whatever they're blathering about. The female singers warble on about how wonderful they are when they're obviously not that fit some of them. The male singers either want to kill or screw everyting that moves. It all sounds the same and its impossible to dance to. Utter tripe.

Whats wrong with a good old fashioned power ballad eh?
(Fri 16th Oct 2009, 12:20, More)