» Amazing displays of ignorance

My girlfriend
Didn't know who Nelson Mandela was, had never heard of Apartheid and genuinely believed all South Africans were white. She claimed that this was because her privately-educated brother had an extremely racist South African friend. I was shocked at her level of ignorance, even more so by what followed. In order to defend her ignorance, she called several friends, one of whom had never heard of him; another who had. However this latter friend said "Yeah I know him, he's the 'I have a dream' guy!". When I expressed shock at this she said "Oh no no I mean that guy who was on the bus with Rosa Parks!"

Also, my girlfriend believed that a christmas bauble was spelt "ball-ball". Brilliant.
(Thu 18th Mar 2010, 19:50, More)

» PE Lessons

Homoeroticism & PE go hand in hand
A while back my school had some building work done on the changing rooms, and so the outside door and windows were blocked up. Hence the longstanding tradition of PE changing rooms and no natural light.
For some reason, a game ensued in the changing rooms, of the lightswitch being flicked off and genitals being waved around and put away before the light came back on. Much merriment was had by all. That is until the occassion where the light went off and a distinctive "SLAP" noise was heard.
The light came back on to reveal one lad rubbing his cheek and saying "OW, something slapped me" and another lad clearly in some discomfort around the Y-Fronts area. There was a moment of silence before their eyes met and the slow realisation as they put two and two together.
Hence the changing rooms shall forever be remembered as the scene where said boy was viciously cock-slapped. And HE became branded the gay one?
The mysteries of the boys changing room
(Sun 22nd Nov 2009, 21:41, More)

» Racist grandparents

Despite the following story,
My grandmother is one of the loveliest people around and hasn't got a bad bone in her body. She worked as a district nurse and made it her life's work to help every single person she met, regardless of race, religion, or lifestyle.
That's not to say she doesn't have a few opinions that are indicative of her era.
My cousin is skinny as a rake and so the juxtaposition of his new girlfriend, a rather large black girl made for a humorous looking couple. My grandma was always pleasant to her, invited her round for Christmas and generally made her feel as welcome as anyone else. However it was clear that she had some apprehension about the relationship, as is not uncommon for someone her age.
I finally managed to discuss the reasons behind this with her and was both saddened and cheered in equal measure by her response.
It transpired that while she herself had no qualms about race, she believed that any children they had would have been prejudiced against due to the colour of their skin, and didn't want any of her descendants to be victimised.
Obviously my first reaction to this was one of complete shock but I then realised that I was only shocked because, to me and, it seems, to my generation, race has never been an issue. I have since I was young known people of all races and never batted an eyelid. I know racism still exists but the fact that when asked about the issue, every black friend I had said that they had never experienced racism either showed me that hopefully my Grandma's worries are dying out.

I'm well aware that racism is still an issue. Proper, hateful prejudice is still around. However, the only form I've ever seen is playful banter amongst friends where no offence could ever be taken. Don't tell me that jokes about stereotypes should be banned. I fully accept that being white, straight and male I will never be able to dance.

Apologies for lack of laughs.
(Fri 28th Oct 2011, 19:50, More)

» Awesome teachers

From the Awesome to the Awesomely Tragic
I've had plenty of memorable teachers over my time. I'm just about to leave for University which is disappointing but thankfully the lecturer who introduced the topic was equally batshit mental, raving about the implications of individual differences in psychology and his ex wife.

Some of my more noteworthy teachers have included:
- Miss B. A woman from Africa who taught English. She didn't have a bloody clue what she was teaching and was regularly reduced to tears by the class. After she left it transpired that she'd been removed from the country as she was here illegally.
- Mr A. An ICT teacher who said next to nothing, fired staples at pupils and brought in home-made Flumps.
- Mr D. A hippy with a ponytail and earring who drove a mini. He taught Graphic Design and wandered round classrooms barefoot. He agreed to help produce my band's first recordings but unfortunately left before this could happen. The bastard. I chose Graphics GCSE because of him and ended up with The She Witch.
- Mrs M. A miserable old Geography teacher who once stapled my friend's book to the wall for no other reason than she was bored it seemed. The class victim was barricaded in the cupboard while she was out of the classroom. Upon her return, she simply shrugged, sat at her desk and continued teaching the class, ignoring the pleas from the cupboard. Shit hit the fan a bit when the head of key stage came in.
- Mr P. A true legend. If anyone deserves a statue built of them it's him. A proper traditional biology teacher, with a beard and classroom full of skulls and plants. He's one of those people who could tell an anecdote about anything. Drives a clapped out one of these:
www.caranddriving.com/pix/UCit2CV.jpg

I've had plenty other outstanding teachers who've worked really hard to help me achieve things. Special thanks to the tiny dot of a woman who taught us English for a year or so. An incredibly frail old lady, she collapsed in our classroom but still returned to teach us. She always encouraged me to write and that's stuck with me to this day.
(Sat 19th Mar 2011, 0:07, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Fucking Everything!
Alcohol - I hate it. Don't like drinking myself, and drunk people are cunts let's face it. Why would you want to do stupid things, be sick everywhere and not remember any of the 'fun' you had last night? I'm not trying to offend anyone here, but then again this is the internet, I don't care if you disagree!

Body Hair - Especially pubes. On men or women, they just look and feel rank. If I had the time/money/patience all of mine would be gone but for now just shave the downstairs. I'm not going down on any girl if I'm getting hairs in my teeth.

Twilight - Shite. Made for teenage girls. Fuck off, no vampire should sparkle.

Radiohead - Cheer up you ugly bastard. Yes Muse are similar. But they're fucking good so don't expect me to like Thom Yorke and his band of miserable fuckers.

Religion - It's not real. So piss off. If it makes you happy, or you get some sort of feeling of protection or whatever from it, don't give it up. Hang on to that belief. But don't you dare try and get me to believe in it, because it's all made up.

iPhone - It's an iPod Touch with a shit phone stuck on it. iPod touch is good, so get one of them and save your money. Now put it away you cunt, stop showing off, no-one cares.

Rant over. For now. There'll definately be more here when I think of some more. Btw am I the only one who thinks this QOTW is just designed to start arguments? Good one though, I'll enjoy this.
(Sun 18th Oct 2009, 21:40, More)