b3ta.com user CQ
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Chairman of the B3ta Communist Party

I used to be niai69, but I didn't post a lot so you may not remember me as that either.

Oh, and if you're wondering, yes, I almost certainly am joking.

This is totally me:

Crossed with a bit of this:

Born in Darkest Africa to missionary parents, young Wilfred Quixote Fogg was a bright but troubled child. He made his first invention at the age of 7, a steam-powered bicycle of extraordinary speed but poor maneuverability and set off to circumnavigate the globe. Sadly his control over this velocipede was so poor that upon his return he crashed quite badly and managed to kill both his parents. This tragedy sent young Wilf in to a spiral of depression and laudanum abuse that would last through his teens and into his young manhood.

Wilf was briefly able to pull himself together, with the aid of copious amounts of Lithium, long enough to meet and fall desperately in love with the glamorous Lady Cavington. He was happy indeed until she callously threw him over in favour of a young Irish stable-lad, Rory by name, who's handsome physique and devil-may-care attitude quite turned her head.

Following this incident our hero is a sad and lonely shadow of his former self, wandering the earth in search of true happiness accompanied only by his steam-powered bicycle and his servant, a young lad, cruelly afflicted with both homosexuality and cerebral palsy, who thinks he is the son of god, for company

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Best answers to questions:

» Down on the Farm

A friend of a friend....
No really, although I did meet him and heard this story from him. I seem to remember his name was Sean.

Anyway, this guy was dating a girl who lived on a farm in the country somewhere.

He'd been seeing her quite for a while and all was going well but he wasn't getting any, until one day they went horse-riding together. The young lady seemed to be getting more and more excited as they rode until, eventually she dragged him from his saddle and practically raped him.

It turned out that she was turned on by horses, so much so that even the smell would get her in the mood.

Fast forward a few weeks and they are in her bed together, but she just cannot seem to get in the mood. This is when Sean has a genius idea.

He runs downstairs, clad only in his boxers to the field by the farmhouse where her horse is tethered and starts rubbing himself against the horse. His plan being to acquire the smell of horse and thus turn on his lady friend.

Apparently the police who happened to drive by at that moment and catch him, near-naked, rubbing himself up against a horse, were quite understanding, if not a little amused, once his shame-faced girlfriend vouched for him.
(Thu 24th May 2012, 16:59, More)

» Ask B3ta

Might it not be good to have some way of reading only the replies to this QOTW that were in some way interesting?
Might a way to achieve this be to implement a "popular" button for QOTW?
(Wed 5th Jun 2013, 11:42, More)

» Failed Projects

Too many to list
but I'll have a go:

The Bicycle I was going to build for myself from the frame up, got it all built, even rode it 10 miles or so then took it off the road to sort out a few niggles with the gears & brakes, should have been a half hour job. 3 months later, I have started taking bits off it to put on another bike I bought on Gumtree for £20

The Theremin kit I was so happy to get for Christmas 3 years ago, loved the idea, really enjoyed all the soldering etc, got it 95% done and it sit's at the back of a cupboard to this day, can't find the will to spend half an our to finish it even though I still want a Theremin.

The novel I was going to write, been stalled at half a chapter for the last 5 years.

The Tattoo wanted at 21, thought I'd just wait a while to be sure. I'm now 34.

The Leather jacket I really loved with the torn lining. Cut out the old lining, cannibalised an old shirt to make a replacement, made new pockets from some old fabric.... and left it in a cupboard for 2 years and counting

All these I regret, but they are small potatoes next to the all time biggie: Project Grow The Fuck Up.

A little background:
I met this girl in my late 20's, we got pretty close pretty quick, which was good, because one and a half months in, she told me she was pregnant, I was a bit gobsmacked at first but soon got into the idea and stated looking forward to being a dad. The pregnancy, wasn't easy, nor was the relationship, we both had our issues but somehow we got through it together.

My son was born, the best moment of my life and the one thing I can never regret.

Things were OK for a while but the relationship, by now a marriage, was going south fast, too many problems all round, no communication, too many differences in basic outlook, blah, blah blah.

This is when I came up with Project Grown the Fuck Up. I cut my hair off (previously uncut since I was 16) chucked out a lot of my grungy/metal clothes, and bought new respectable ones. I ditched the nickname everyone had called me by for the last 10 years and started going by my given name (which I never liked much) again. I even gave up on some of my oldest friends who I thought were not good for me. I also started taking Prozac to calm my mood swings in an attempt to level off my personality and make myself a bit less depressed/emotional

Basically I turned my self into a much more "respectable" "grownup" person, I decided that if I could just keep this up all would be fine and dandy and I could be a good father to my son and a good husband to my wife. After all everybody has to grown up some time, don't they?

Two years later...... The divorce Papers are going through and I get to see my boy on alternate weekends. It's not great, but at least the time we have I can concentrate on him and be the best father I can. I've recovered some of my old clothes from the loft, reconnected with the friends that were worth something, and got a nice spiffy red Mohawk. Life is not perfect but I'm finally off the happy pills, I'm feeling OK with myself for the first time I can remember since I was 10 and I have a wonderful new woman in my life who accepts me as I am and seems to love me anyway.

The moral of this story: it may hurt to give up on something you've put so much of your self into (6 years in this case) but some times it's the best thing to do.

Apologies for length/lack of knob gag.

Also, first time, be gentle.
(Fri 4th Dec 2009, 16:07, More)


I killed a mouse once.
the cats had been at it and there was no way it would survive, so the quickest and most humane way I could find to end it's suffering was to hit it very hard with a brick. A small thing maybe but I am a complete wuss in these matters and it still makes me feel shitty to think about it.
(Tue 6th Aug 2013, 15:50, More)

» Conspiracy Theories

Not a conspiracy theory per se...
But relevent and quite interesting.

Pareidolia is a phenomenon whereby human being tend to see patterns in things where there are none. I've heard it explained in evolutionary terms thus:

If you here a rustle in the jungle and run like fuck because you think it's a cheetah but in fact it isn't, the evolutionary consequence is small, but if you hear a rustle and don't run but it is a cheetah then the consequence is far more severe. the upshot of this is that human have, effectively, been selectively bred to see pasterns in things even when there are none.

I think the majority of supernatural phenomena and conspiracy theories that are not deliberate hoaxes can be explained by this and that the Wikipedia article makes genuinely interesting reading, but then I'm quite dull.


A world full of shadowy cabals and ghosts and gods would be far more fun, I wish more/any of them were true.

Back on topic I quite like the Paul McCartney is dead conspiracy theory. I don't believe it for a second but the intricacies of what is suppose to have happened and all the 'clues' on album covers and such are fascinating.
(Fri 2nd Dec 2011, 13:29, More)
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