b3ta.com user MademoiselleDave
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I found the threat of "Update your profile or Log Out" far too erm, threatening. So I'm writing this. Here. Happy now??

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» School Projects

At school, I was never particularly good at maths or science but I excelled at English (oh, those were the days).
When I was young and innocent, I should say around 11-12 perhaps, we were instructed by our Biology teacher to do a project on the reproductive process. I stalled and stalled and finally, exasperated, the teacher offered me a way out.
"As you're so interested in English subjects rather than the sciences, why not write a poem?"
Brilliant! thinks I. And so I set to work.

I'd just like to point out that this *was* back in the day and JUST before all innocence was lost and I set about it with gusto.
Upon handing it in I noticed the teacher was very pleased. In fact she seemed extraordinarily pleased. She was certainly smiling a lot.
She gave me an A* immediately. But that's not all.

She later came up to me in the halls and asked if I would like to do something special as my poem was so good. She asked that I write it out on a HUGE piece of A1 paper "complete with illustrations" for display and I would get extra credit.
Revelling in for once being the star Science student, I did this also with relish and gusto.

A few years later, I found out why I was given this extra special treatment... I was allowed into the staffroom where I saw my work of art displayed in a VERY prominent position.
There, in all its glory, was my unintentionally hilarious, extremely detailed and highly emotive poem about sexual intercourse, complete with smiley faced sperm all over the page.
I can't remember all of it although I believe the highlight of the poem was reaching the crescendo of the "sperm's race":

"Faster and faster they race fit to burst.
Who will be the winner? Who will come first?
Harder and harder blood pumps to keep it firm.
And then!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! Here comes the sperm!"*

I'd wondered why different teachers kept muttering "Whoosh" around me. :o( Bastards.

First post. Please be gentle. Apologies for length - you should have seen the full poem!

*Ok, so I wasn't exactly Coleridge, admittedly...
(Sun 16th Aug 2009, 16:21, More)

» Mums

You want to do what on E?
By posting this some people may be able to identify me as it's one of my favourite stories to reel out but seeing this week’s QOTW, I have to share.

My mother is a highly intelligent woman. I look up to her immensely and wish I could have just a fraction of her brilliance.

However for some reason she gets two turns of phrases hilariously, hilariously wrong.

When talking about the worldwide web and all its wonders, from email to websites and all, she refers to it as being "On the e".
“I was on the e last night and it was brilliant, found some really good stuff.”
“The e’s not working, is it working for you?”
“I sent you an e.”

The absolute best however is when she gets angry. I used to visit her in her office and she would exclaim:
"I'm SO angry at that man! ARGH! He INFURIATES me, the little bastard. Argh, I'm so angry, I could FIST him."

After picking myself up from the floor from laughing too hard imagining her performing this act on a high ranking official in her chosen profession..(I'll just say..legal profession to give you a hint of the hilarity) I always try to correct her:

"Mum.. I'm not sure you mean fisting."
"I do, I really want to...ngggh..” *makes fist..shakes fist*
"No no no.. you don't. Look we've spoken about this before, can you please stop saying fisting?"
"Why? I want to! I want to fist them, you know, punch them. Really hard. Why, what else does it mean?"
".....never mind "

I've found out she says this in front of other people too. I've tried over and over again to make her stop (honest) but without explaining it (not a chance), what can I do?

(Fri 12th Feb 2010, 16:11, More)

» Complaining

Mike or TL:DR or Your scroll wheel is in the post. (Apologies!)
Erm.. it's a long one but after cautionary tales from Kip and SLVA on an earlier post I'll dare to post it here rather than in the replies as I originally intended.

I'm a cunt. Sorry.. I mean I work in accounts for a company that use business credit cards from Shit Creditcard Co. The monthly statements are very important. I need them as soon as I can get them for a variety of boring reasons.

The company which provides this used to post them out - fuckssake. Then, in May 2009 they switched to online - brilliant!
But somehow the June 2009 statements didn't appear. By post or online. This is really, really bad for me. Lots and lots and lots of phone calls later and I resorted to the online web request form (which I knew from past experience was useless but I was desperate).

Here's my message:

"Please can you send June 2009 statements immediately. They are not online nor have they been posted to us after repeated requests.
We need them urgently.
Please contact me to let me know you have actioned this request.
Thank you.
Mademoiselle Dave Davison III." Sent on Monday August 3rd 2009.

More phone calls later. Getting seriously stressed out now. More FUCKING HOLD FUCKING MUSIC.
Then! I receive this back from [email protected] on the 18th of August.


Following our upgrade to our system we have experienced some problems with some statement generation which is still being investigated.

Shitcreditcardco have made a business decision standardise on
statement to the format you have received. If you require any copy
statement this can done by utilising our online system.

I appreciate that change is always difficult but in line with many
companies we have reviewed our operational cost and it is inefficient to
print and continue to post paper statements.

To keep our pricing competitive and in line with our environmental
policy a decision has been taken to offer an online facility to our
customers to either view online or print individual cardholder
statements themselves.

If you have not already registered for our Online facility please
follow the attached link and follow the on screen instructions that will take you through the registration process.

You will be able to see your statements on line if you will go to the
attached web link and register for online services.

If you require any further assistance please call a Customer Services Representative on: xxxx-xxxx-xxxx


I appreciate this is a standard automated bullshit response but at this point I was close to tears so resorted to sarcasm and typed out the below response never to be read by a human being ever but damn, it felt good.


May I call you Mike? It's much less formal that way isn't it? Lovely.

Anyway, Mike, thanks for coming back to me so quickly not only in confirmation of receipt but also in an attempt to help me solve my urgent request of the 3rd August.
Don't worry, the urgency has lessened now. These things tend to do so with time, don't you think?
They say it's a great healer.
Perhaps, with time, the upgrades to your system and the pesky problems caused, may be ironed out. Fingers crossed!

It is of great comfort to me that Shit Credit Card Co have made such a wise business decision standardise on statement to the format I received. Whilst I admit I didn't fully understand that sentence, no doubt it's purely because these things are above my intellect.

I am also very pleased that I can obtain any copy of my statements by utilising the online system. Previously I had just been utilising the system to waste some time. Mostly I practiced inputting rude words and the like. Fun it was too.

Thank you for appreciating the difficulties that clients may have with change. I personally fear change. Terrible thing. But! You are correct, many other companies are doing it so why don't you?
I would advise you to avoid steep cliffs however.
And a great big thank you for saving the trees. I can breathe easier knowing this.

I have, in fact registered with your Online facility but thanks for the heads up anyway, Mike.
And again, thank you for the instructions on how to view statements.

Sadly however, there was one time when I thought I'd use your Online services for something other than messing about and I noticed that lo and behold, our June statements are not in fact Online!
I'm sure this is my oversight however.

I would love to speak to a Customer Services Representative - if only to hear that delightful hold music again. So far, since the 20th July, I must have listened to it for about 20 hours if you add it all up. It's just that great.

Sometimes a Representative would interrupt the beautiful music and I would have to think of something to say, though.
Generally I just asked for copies of our June statements or for information as to why our June statements were not appearing online. This was just the first thing on top of my head, though.
And I was always more than pleased to ring back the next day to listen to those beautiful sounds once more.

Mike, even just today, I fancied hearing it! However once again, after only a few minutes, perhaps 30, it was interrupted by another Customer Services Representative. Tis a shame but I got over it and asked again.
Not to worry though, she has promised to send copies through and like so many others, does not know why they are not available on line. Oh well.

I have just one suggestion though. Maybe, just to mix things up, you could change the music every so often. Don't worry about the cost of this. Perhaps you can use the money we paid you for providing our June Shit Credit Card co service?

I look forward to phoning again tomorrow. And perhaps you and I can have another chat soon.
To be honest I've forgotten what this was all about in the first place!

Thanks again for emailing, Mike!

Lots of love
Dave (Hell, you can call me D-Rock, buddy!)

My boss let me send it but predictably no response.

I am EXTREMELY sorry for the length but I look forward to receiving your complaints!
(Fri 3rd Sep 2010, 20:59, More)

» Complaining

Cadbury's machines on the tube
Based on other replies of erm, pretty much cons, I feel moved to post my own from the teenage MademoiselleDave years..

Does anyone else remember when they first introduced the Cadbury's vending machines on the tube?
Chocolate! Available! To buy! Underground!!
Fuck yes.

I can't remember who taught me this but I would love to give my heartfelt thanks.

Often, posted besides the Cadbury's machine was a public telephone.
Telephones! From which to have conversations! Underground! Mind-blowing!

Many a happy day was spent phoning the freephone number listed on the front of the Cadbury's machine, providing the machine reference number (handily listed on said machine) and complaining it ate my shiny new one pound coin.

A few days after the phone calls, absolutely no word of a lie, they would send me a pound coin selotaped to a compliment slip.

I'm sure whoever was in the charge of the complaints MUST have been wise to my con but damnit, those little pound coins meant the world to me.

I am forever in debt to you, mystery benefactor. Your donations changed my formative years (I *think* for the better!)
(Fri 3rd Sep 2010, 23:57, More)