b3ta.com user BenjaminTheGreat
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» Crappy relationships

I went out with a nutter once.
I've been out with a nutter. I think most men have. I was blinded by her 32E chesticles that were as perfect as I was horny.

To be honest, I should have seen the warning signs from the first time I kissed her. I walked home with her most days and it was obviously building up to something; so one day we did a little kiss. As I walked the other way, she text me immediately. It read "Well that was weird." At least it sparked a reaction.

So we continued our charade of a relationship. It went quite well up until February when I went to Berlin for a week and when I was away, she took a turn for the worse. I think she went full on psycho. It seems she started getting close to another lad whilst I was away. Nothing too serious I thought and when I got back, it returned to me and her.

It actually goes quite well for a while. We pop each other's cherries and carry on doing naughty things; no wait, I do naughty things to her whilst she puts my genitalia in her mouth for about 6 seconds before asking if she can stop.

The summer is when she went fully nuts. She'd been stringing along this other lad and playing us off against each other. I was a fucking dick for not noticing it happening. One day, she'd been holding hands with the other fella in front of me and what not then as soon as he left, tried it with me.

It came to a head at the beginning of July. She had dumped me and within days, got with this new fella. Obviously, she didn't tell me but still strung me along with classic lines such as "I want you but I know I can't have you." and "When you get married, I'm gonna be crying at the back of the church because I know I could have had you." All the while I'm saying to her "You can have me."

In September, I start seeing someone knew and I told Girl A when I spoke to her for the first time in weeks. She responded "Why must you hurt me like that?"

Lucky escape.
(Wed 27th Oct 2010, 0:44, More)

» Celebrities part II

Michael Smiley Smiley
I work in a comedy club and we have a few semi-famous people through our doors. Around March this year, we had Michael Smiley. Or Tyres from Spaced to you or I.

Lovely fella. Spent Friday night in Buffalo Bar with him, Dan Harding and a blind comedian called Chris McCausland, occasionally having to stand behind Chris so he didn't fall backwards down a small set of steps. As were leaving, Tyres asked me to take a photo of him and three girls dressed up as bunnies. The disgruntled bunnies. He was a sound bloke. He licked my face. There is a photo of him licking my face.

Anyway, the night progressed back to a mates flat where we carried on drinking until it all got a bit heated and Smiley proceeded to flip off the blind guy. Hilarious.

I have also played football with Kevin Bridges, Lloyd Langford, Mick Ferry and cooked a meal for the lovely Lucy Porter.
(Sun 11th Oct 2009, 22:45, More)

» Drugs

Cautious and vicarious.
I'd gone through my life as a naive little munchkin; didn't get pissed until I was 18. I never did the whole "LET'S DRINK FROSTY JACKS IN THE PARK" thing. That's not to say I disapprove; I just didn't do it.

The first time I got stoned was round the back of a train station before I went to see Skinnyman, a UK Rapman, at my local SU. I just felt a little floaty. My mate, who had provided the drugarette, had been made very agressive by the drug and couldn't speak to anyone inside without fear of punching them.

So I smoked some more weed as I got older; after a night out or at a festival. I picked up a twenty bag once and got very paranoid as I walked through Reading train station with it in my bag en-route to the festivus.

But over Christmas, I was introduced to naughtier drugs. One night, after going to see Top Shelf Jazz (wonderful modern swing), we planned to go to my ffrindiau's pad and do some Charlie. Waaaaay lads. I did my first line and felt nothing but dry mouth. I thought "this is shit" and didn't fancy anymore. Half an hour later, I've got the note up my nostril and a second line is down. More of an effect; a bit alert and more dry mouth. My friend talked at me for 2 hours, as he had taken three pills, and I went home with a numb face.

I rode the MCAT wave all the way into 2010. A mate at work revealed a wrap and stuck two piles of the stuff on the corner of a debit card for me to inhale. Buzzzed like a madman. Couldn't sit down, fell in love with a mate who came up at the same time as me, and consequently had the best hour ever. Fell off a stage and almost impaled my arm; didn't bother me in the slightest. It also meant I could drink several cans of Strongbow and almost a bottle of rum. Wowzers.

MDMA almost made me cry whilst I watched LCD Soundsystem play All My Friends and then made me sketch the fuck out at a rave. There's a monthly rave in a disused Bank Vault and we went and did a bunch of MDMA and I couldn't hack it. I felt claustrophobic (because of the warmth) and the awful minimal techno which built up to nothing for an hour. All I wanted was to smoke outside and chat with friends. Came up in the car to my parents the next day; fun times.

I've seen my mate chew his lips to bleeding on MCAT; he didn't at all look suspicious.

Apologies for my dull drug stories, I'm just a dull person!
(Sat 18th Sep 2010, 2:22, More)