b3ta.com user LazyScumbag
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» Sexual fetishes

Denim dresses
... you know, the one piece, zip all the way up front, denim dresses. I had a bird once that had a body like a princess, hourglass and all, and had one of these dresses. One night, we were out in my onion (well, 'twas before midnight so it was still a chariot) and she asked me to pull over and park the thing.

Just as some background, I was a pimple faced little bugger, randy as hell, and had just started being the envy of all my class mates since she was considered as being unreachable to all of us simple minions. Nay, this deity was off limits to all us petty mortals. May a curse be cast over anyone who would dare even think, lest alone approach, of doing anything to this heavenly being.

Being a dark and stormy night, we pulled over, got somewhat confortable (snogging was allowed, anything else was only a wet dream..), when all of a sudden, she starts teasing, lowering the zipper, slowly, excruciatingly, stopping mid way between her breasts..looking at me with this mischevious little smile and asking me how I felt in her angelical girlish little soprano voice, to which I responded to with a baritone/tenor grunt, slurp and 'hurr, scrumpf, bluaaad' stupor.

She carried on drawing the zipper, lowering it 'til she had revealed her pair of smooth, firm pears, with her cherry picked nipples pointing straight at me, invitingly, as if they were parched and required refresing...

After complying with my heavenly princess' tits whim, she carried on drawing, not allowing a meat handed mortal bumble around her holy veil, down, down, until I was able to see, only just, the vestige of her nubile womanhood, uncovered, naked, sans réticents, darkly shaded against her olive skin, beckoning towards me, akin to the fabled Medusa, whose pubis sporting a modest amount of hair, laid down, invitingly as if 'twas a wooly carpet summoning the entrance to a prémiére...

Further on, down, down, followed the zipper its inexorable path, towards its Shangri-La, its Olympus, its Heaven, its Asgard, until the dress opened apart, like a silken cloth, like the Red Sea opening before Moses' wishes, and I had my angel before me, just as the Lord had sent her to this unfathomable world. Pure, smooth, slender, with a body as perfect that Michaelangelo or Botticelli would have been challenged to do it justice..

God, I could just go on and on, but I think ye bods have figured it out. Whenever I see a lass, dressed up in a zipped denim dress, my gonads start misbehaving and I cast myself back, back into the rear seat of my car... Worst part is that from there on, whenever she put that dress on, she owned me. Completely. I would instantly know that there was nothing underneath, so I wold start getting aroused in front of her parents, who, bless them, had no idea of what we were getting up to :-)

My dearest apologies for the length of the story, but just saying that I roar up with a dress would not be doing justice to what this lass (God bless) and dress did to me. Well, 'tis time for me to go - I'm up for a wank after writing all this...
(Wed 28th Oct 2009, 17:03, More)

» Dad stories

Old Folk's home
My parents had a very good long marriage, until they ended up in an old folk's home. They shared a room together, just like always. Once, my dad told me mum that he really missed sex, even though his weapon had already fallen into disuse. He talked me mum into toddering off to a far park bench, where he would unzip and she would just grab and caress his portion of gristle. This became a daily ritual that lasted for weeks, and they seemed very happy together; me dad for the caressing, and me mum for taking care of the randy bugger's wishes.

One day, me mum was looking for him all over the place, to fulfil her part of the daily ritual. Nothing done, looked inside the home, couldn't find him, outside, nothing, until she doddered off to their park bench whereupon she found him sitting next to Lady Loosebloomers who was grabbing his package. She screamed at the top of what was left of her voice; "Why do you do this to me? What can she have that I don't???"

My dad, with glassy white eyes, was only able to stutter one word: "Parkinson's"
(Sat 27th Nov 2010, 0:56, More)

» The B3TA Confessional

Doing the Maid...
Once a friend o'mine and myself were doing the rounds to and from his dad's beer fridge, and after quite a few, he asked me if I wanted to have fun with what he called his father's 'maid'. Intrigued, I followed him to, sure enough, the maid's quarters (they were pretty well off), opened the door and sure enough, there she was, lying on the bed, impervious to the world and the fact that we were there, drunkenly drooling over her.

She was already naked, so we started doing her in, my mate started forcing himself on her whilst I was on the receiving end of a full pair of unwilling lips - it was glory. She moved around, sluggishly, awkwardly, but with little recourse than to submit to the assault of two drunken, teenage perverts. After a while, my mate had an idea of doing a double, so I laid down on the bed, prodding in her from the back, whereas he laid her on the front.

It all started getting a little out of hand when all of a sudden he started slapping her as hard as he could, back and forth, I told him to stop it, but he carried on and on, every time harder than the one before, until he caught her with a wicked, sharp ring he used, opening her cheek wide open and unleashing a gush of wind where she started to lose air and deflate; the moron had punctured her beyond repair and his old man was going to get stark raving mad at him for doing that...
(Mon 30th Aug 2010, 16:41, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Evil or Childish...
Hello everyone - 1st time posted, so don't rub it in too much..

Dunno if this was childish or just plain evil, but one day I was thinking on how at least someone, sometime, somehow the world would remember me for the rest of eternity (well, at least a couple o' years or so). You know, typical philosophical crap that youngsters always worry about.

Just struck me in a flash; I tool the barf bag from the aeroplane and cut off the bottom of it (this was before ye couldn't bring a pair of scissors on the plane - my sis had a pair in her purse).

Of course I would never see the blokes face, but I can guarantee that he would remember me for the rest of his living days if he needed that bag... Worst thing is that I still do this and I'm 42 years old..
(Tue 22nd Sep 2009, 16:33, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

An Englishman in well, Texas - not as catchy as New York, but, it is where it was...
I had just started working in a company in America, and after a week there was a big meeting with about 20 blokes and so. After about an hour, half o' them stood up and ran out the meeting room to my surprise
'cigarrette break' I was informed.

Not being a smoker, I started wandering down the aisle that separated the cubicles, and ran into a pair o' lasses that worked in HR.
'Hello, what's up? Is the meeting over?'
'Nay, just a 10 minute break to stretch ye legs, get some fresh air, puff a fag'
Omnious question follows..... 'Err, did you say 'puff a fag???''
'Aye, that's right - seems these bods can't go for an hour without doing one in'

You can guess what happened next - back in those times (about 15 years ago) I hadn't a clue as to what a fag was in America.....
(Sat 20th Mar 2010, 11:19, More)
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