b3ta.com user russet_gusset
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» Caught!

Kittens! Snoring! Making baby jesus cry!
Some years back I shared a house with two friends, one guy and one girl. The guy worked nights, and so would often come in late. He would watch tv and fall asleep on the couch, snoring like a water-buffalo after an all night bender.

Aside from the lack of sleep, we were a happy bunch. We lived, loved and laughed together like characters from an early 90s sitcom.

We were happier still when one day we were able to add to our little household. For, when walking down the main street, I found a little lost kitten. She was a cute mite, and very adventurous. It was clear how she had got lost, for she was constantly attempting to climb fences and use her ninja abilities to sneak through doors. We nick-named her Houdini. She looked like this:

We tried to find an owner. We put up posters (no one replied), checked to see if it had been microchipped (it hadn't). It was looking as though we might get to keep her.

One night I was awoken to the sound of my housemate snoring and the tv still blaring. Not being able to get back to sleep, I decided that I had to go and see if he could be roused and returned to his own room. I walked into the lounge to discover him sprawled asleep on the sofa, with his pants around his ankles and hand covering his wilted and spent cock. The kitten was sitting on the sofa, sheltering under the crook of my housemate's naked knees, with an expression something like this:

I did the only thing I could. I picked up a cushion, placed it over the housemate's face to muffle the snores and went back to bed.

The kitten and I made a pact never to speak of this moment.
(Sat 5th Jun 2010, 4:30, More)

» Neighbours

Cherub pisses in your general direction.
My elderly croatian neighbour once stopped me on the front door step to ask my opinion of a fountain he had just put in his front garden. "Should it be facing towards the gate, or is that just rude?" he said with a cheeky smile.

It was decided that the miniature incontinent cherub should be allowed to wave its tiny truncheon of gushing golden love in the direction of guests and passers-by.
(Thu 1st Oct 2009, 13:27, More)

» Asking people out

High School Daze
A mate of mine, B we shall call him as that is the first initial of his name, was a bespeckled little git but gained respect for being possessed of awesome confidence. The first time we saw evidence of this was our final year.

One of the girls had organised a party at her place by the beach. There was a girl in our year who was a little older, she had had to repeat an early year of schooling having come over from Sweden. I'm a girly with no interest in the muff, but even I would say she was a stunner. Blonde and able to do that slow-mo hair-flicky thing that makes the boys dribble...

However most of the guys, including B, just dribbled from afar (after going home to wank furiously). She seemed so out of their league that none of them ever asked her out. It was rumoured that she had shagged some uni student, but no one knew for sure.

Anyway... Usual party stuff happening, illicit drinking and overcharged teenage hormones. All made riper than a camembert cheese by the knowledge that this was one of the last times we would see one another.

B, our spotty protagonist, after a night of subdued drinking seemed to draw courage from the bottle. He just walked straight up to our stunning blonde and said "Come. Let's go down to the sand. Let's do what we wanna do, let me be a man for you."

(Fri 11th Dec 2009, 16:54, More)

» Bad Management

I used to work in a place where the director was renowned for telling a group of my colleagues that he could "go down to the nearest backpackers hostel today and hire a bunch of techies better than you lot".

So what is worse than management practices that cause staff to be de-motivated, take over frequent sick days, and generally be recalcitrant little turds?

When the manager responsible hires consultants to come and analyse air quality in the office convinced that the real cause is "sick building syndrome".
(Thu 10th Jun 2010, 11:17, More)

» Failed Projects

Birthday presents
I'm great at giving presents. Receiving them? Not so much. Especially if they are vouchers.

You would think that there wouldn't be much to it. Yelp joyfully like a new bride being bent over the kitchen counter. Smile like a mong. Say thank you.

However vouchers require project-like planning and thinking after the gift giving. You have to take note of things, like the expiry date. My sister was not too pleased when I didn't end up using the beautician voucher she gave me because I was too late in making the booking. Fail.

This year I have a rather special voucher. It is for a tandem hang glide. I am much more excited about this one.

And yet so far it has been postponed twice because of weather conditions. Apparently it is not a good idea to fly when the wind will bash you back into the cliff, or when it is so soft that you could drop out of the sky.

Today is the latest re-scheduled date. I was well-behaved last night and didn't go out drinking as I don't fancy raining vomit from the heavens on the unsuspecting ("my god, Mavis. I never knew seagulls ate carrots.").

The voucher expires soon. Lets hope the wind is in the right direction. Wish me luck.
(Sat 5th Dec 2009, 21:42, More)
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