b3ta.com user ignoramusaurus
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» Rubbish Towns

not the worst town I've ever been to but it is the only place in which I've seen a grown man shitting into a Sainsburies carrier bag on a roundabout.
(Tue 3rd Nov 2009, 11:43, More)

» Babysitters

My ex boyfriend was babysat by Stephen Lawrence
Apparently he stole his Mums CD player
(Wed 3rd Nov 2010, 14:50, More)

» Presents

Secret Santa
I wasn't going to tell this story due to sheer disinterest, but, the QOTW is kind of bad enough for this to be a passable effort. And, I'm slightly bitter and still want my money back.

A couple of years ago when I was at university I worked at a student bar, let's call this 'The Garage', not because that is what it was called, but because I have a big enough ego to worry about people in here knowing who I am and releasing knowledge of my internet double-life on to the world.

So this place was pretty cliquey - there were about 8 of us hired at the beginning of the year, the rest were the general arse-licking bum chums you get working in studenty outlets. I found it quite hard to get into the group because I wasn't overly-familiar with everyone and was always put on shift with the guys, so with the general incestruous feel of the pub the matriachal chicklets didn't trust me.

This Christmas was the first time I'd ever been part of a 'secret santa'. I decided to take part, I like to think this is because I wanted to take part and didn't want anyone to be lest presentless. It may just be due to me picking the name of someone I actually liked. I'd got one of the other new guys - a funny little hippy called Andy. The one secret santa rule was that it was to cost about £7.50. My present cost £7.95 (YES I KNOW THE EXACT PRICE - I WAS A STUDENT WORKING PART TIME IN A BAR) Anything else went (I know someone got a DIY chlamydia testing kit). I ended up going for a miniture drum kit - I loved it, I'm sure Andy would love it, everyone would surely put in enough effort to get something that would make their Secret Santee either smile or laugh.

Then I found out Andy had actually left the pub - right before I'd handed in the drum. That's okay I thought - I'll get the present back. My best friend was also a funny little hippy. So maybe he could have a present for once. Nope - apparently the office had just been 'redone' so my gift had gone for a wander. It's easy to mistake a substantially sized present. No whiff of 'opened, and jacked' here.

And my gift? Well, I was told by about three people that they knew who my santa was and that they had gotten me something. it's been almost two years now and nothing, so I'm gonna call bull - honky.

I wouldn't be so bitter about it if I wasnt sure that the drum had been nicked by the manager - an arsehole (this guy had been bum licked all the way to felch town) who made me stay on til 5am for lock-ins on uni nights and on one of these occasions had me 'joke sacked' by one of his friends for two weeks.
(Mon 30th Nov 2009, 11:39, More)

» Asking people out

I’ve never known my best friend to have a girlfriend but back when he was 14 and staying on a caravan site at the weekend with his parents he went out with a girl called Girl. I have no idea how they got together (I’m imagining some pushing on her behalf) but I think he ended it in the most genius way.

By getting his mate to jump out at her from behind a bush and yell; ‘YOU’RE DUMPED’.
(Tue 15th Dec 2009, 11:07, More)

» Asking people out

This is the first time since I’ve joined where I could actually have a best of. BEFORE YOU GET ALL ANGRY I AM NOT SAYING THIS IS A BEST OF, HENCE THE SENTENCE AT THE END OF THIS PARAGRAPH. I am no stranger to the bizarre chat up. I think this is because I have red hair and most people think it's strange that they might want to chat me up. I’ve left it to the last minute so I'm going to go with the housemate.
This is a cautionary tale, not a hilarious anecdote.

The housemate was Rich. That is his actual name, if he did read this, he’d know it was him anyway.

At the time I was living in a big house with 5 girls and 25 boys (good odds I know). When I first met Rich he was going through a stage of almost constantly holding hands with a girl who was going out with the nearest thing to a jock this side of the Atlantic (if you've heard of Leeds Carnegie, you know). This was obviously much fun for whoever was around them and finished pretty quickly. No doubt for the aforementioned reason of her boyfriend being a sportsman and Rich being - a cyclist.

He was relentless and rubbish. The first time I can remember him trying it on with me was when I had my then boyfriend round – we’d been shut inside my room for about 48 hours by this time when a letter arrives underneath my door. A love letter. Well almost, a 2 page letter about how amazing I was (He was one of those kind of guys) and if he was a better person he’d be in love me but he wasn’t . The next time I can remember was walking home after a nightclub and him telling me that I was ‘the third greatest girl’ he’d ever met.

It might have been a bit much to get offended by this – I was an often pissed up 17 year old who figured that if your housemate was going to be constantly trying it on with you, he could at least try not to be diplomatic about it. He ended up falling out with me in our second year of living together because he felt I spent to much time with one of our female housemates. So an awkward few months living in a 6 bedroom house where there were enough romantic links for it to be like Friends would have been if it was real.

In summary: if you're asking someone out, go all out.
(Tue 15th Dec 2009, 11:01, More)
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