b3ta.com user Batsgirl
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I had my own Bandwagon! Lots of pics were made, but here's a few of my favourites :)

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» Crazy Relatives

my dear grandfather, may he rest in peace,
was known as what you might call "a character" in his local town. He wasn't senile or stupid or dangerous, more a kind of joker in the pack.

He went through a phase of writing letters. This included a letter to his own bosses while recuperating from his first heart attack that went along the lines of "Thank you for the card. I was wondering, when I am at work, I do what you tell me for X hours a day and am paid $Y per hour. I am currently working 24 hours a day on getting better, exactly as you have told me to - when will I get my overtime pay?" Anyone else might have got disciplined - but seeing as he was good old [Grandad], he got a personal apology, in the same tone and humour as his letter, from the top boss.

He taught my sister and I to walk to the shops with one foot on the kerb and the other in the gutter. He taught us songs full of foreign slang and swearwords (we were too young to get it) which drove my grandmother bananas. He spent the best part of a year scouting for local playgrounds so that the following year, when we went to stay for the summer holidays, we could visit a different playground Every. Single. Day.

Crazy as hell but in the best possible way :)
(Thu 5th Jul 2007, 16:48, More)

» Stalked

everyone has an ex they really, really regret
I think I was just a bit ahead of the game with it being my first real boyfriend. Physical violence, mental, verbal and sexual abuse, a total psychopath. My teenage self didn't have the mental toolkit to deal with it. Eventually, I managed to break it off with him, although it cost me a lot including having to drop out of my A levels (when we'd taken our sixth form options, he'd changed his to match mine so he could 'keep an eye on me'. Everyone thought this was 'sweet').

Anyway, after breaking it off, I'd managed to get into a parallel class for one of my A levels, and in that class I made some new friends. He wasn't having this. He cut his own class in order to hang around at the school where my new class was and wait for me, and started following me from place to place.

I'd told my new friends he was my ex and I didn't want to speak to him, but I was too embarassed to tell them the full story. I don't know if he'd guessed that or not, but when he realised I wouldn't give him a hearing, he started being really nice to my new friends, with the result that more than one of them told me I should go out with him again, give him another chance.

The real fear came when he turned up at the flat where my new mates and I would get together outside school (one of our number was family-less and in a council flat which is exciting when you're 17). Someone let him in and he sat there chatting to everybody... I was terrified. Eventually he left and I finally told everyone the full story. We closed ranks and I thought that was an end of it.

A few days later he must have realised something was amiss because that's when the letters started. The first one, we didn't realise was from him until I'd read it. The next one, I had a suspicion it was from him but read it anyway, which was a stupid thing to do. After that, my Mum suggested to me that there was no point me reading the letters, as they served no purpose but to upset me. We agreed that I would no longer pick up any post from the doormat and that if a letter from him arrived, I didn't even have to know.

He eventually somehow realised that I wasn't reading his letters, and either guessed or found out that (unknown to me) my mother was reading them. So he started writing letters addressed to me but for my mother's benefit, in which he described various nefarious activities that he knew would worry her and make her suspicious of my mates (eg "I'm really worried about you hanging around with [name]. I was watching the two of you taking drugs while you were waiting outside the probation office for [another name] and I think you're getting in over your head..."). Happily my mother trusted me enough, and was getting to know my friends well enough, to realise this was utter bollocks.

You know what's really pathetic? The way it stopped. Given the level of violence I had known him to be capable of, I was terrified of getting the police involved in case he followed through on previous threats of what he'd do to me if I told anyone. I looked at him and saw a strong, scary and unpredictable nutter.

My Mum, on the other hand, looked at him and saw an overgrown little boy trying to act big by pushing other people around, including her precious daughter. So she acted in an incredibly parent-y way.

She phoned his dad.

His dad was both bigger and stronger than he was. It worked.
(Sun 3rd Feb 2008, 22:12, More)

» Will you go out with me?

b3ta is responsible for my current relationship,
in which I seduced my boyfriend by getting him to deliver chocolates to another woman...

My little sister was sent on a course by her workplace, which was being held a good couple of hundred miles away from the town where we lived. The company were putting her up in a hotel for the few nights necessary, but she was a bit nervous - it was the first time she'd been away from home entirely by herself, without meeting up with a friend at her destination, none of the other course delegates were staying at the hotel, and it was making her feel a bit uncomfortable.

In a remarkably uncharacteristic burst of goodwill towards my Sister Dearest, I asked if there were any b3tans in the vicinity of the town where she was staying who I could commission to go and cheer her up.

Evilstevie responded. We'd never met, but we'd both been to several bashes so we had friends in common who could vouch for both of us as "probably not an axe-murderer". We started plotting. Our plan came off perfectly and was as follows:

1. Evilstevie got some chocolate and then went by motorbike to the hotel. When he was nearly there, he phoned me.

2. I then phoned my sister from my landline phone. We chatted for a few minutes until...

3. Evilstevie phoned my mobile to confirm he was in the hotel lobby.

4. Hung up my mobile, back to the landline, asked Little Sister if she had her shoes on and told her to go downstairs to the lobby.

5. Little Sister steps out of the lift and into the hotel lobby to see a tall man in full biker gear offering her chocolate courtesy of Big Sis.

6. Much squeaking then occurred.

A couple of months later, I got a chance to repay the favour - he needed a place to stay for a bash near where I lived. Neither of us had anything other than friendship in mind, but we found that in the real world we got on like a house on fire and a relationship developed.

After a few weeks listening to rants from my sister about how "he'd be happier with me, because I can go out and do more than you can," and the suchlike I finally came to understand that she was under the impression that I had been trying to set her up with Evilstevie, and believed that he was so smitten with her that he was visiting me in order to see her again. She was rather pissed off that I had "stolen" him from her. It's been nearly three years now, and Evilstevie still can't make up his mind whether that's funny or horrifying.
(Sun 31st Aug 2008, 18:52, More)

» Council Cunts

as a teenager,
I had a friend (also teenage) who was attending the local college full-time, and lived in one of the tiniest, grottiest little council bedsits you ever did see. Unsurprisingly, he was eligible for full Council Tax Benefit.

One day, he got a letter informing him that he owed the Council £0.00 in unpaid council tax over the last few months, and should come to their offices to pay it within 28 days.

He dutifully made his way to the council office where they assured him that it was a computer-generated letter and that obviously £0.00 wasn't anything to worry about.

Couple of months later, and there's another letter. This one tells him that they are taking him to court for his non-payment of the outstanding £0.00 and gives the date and time of the hearing. Again, he goes to their office. Again, he is told it is obviously a mistake and to just forget about it.

Shortly after that, and fast approaching exam time, another letter. This one informs him that as he didn't attend the hearing, the Council have won by default, and he is now required to pay not only the £0.00 but also £40-odd in fees and costs. It gives another hearing date. My friend was rather alarmed by this, as £40 is a lot of money when you're on teenage-level benefit and have no family to fall back on.

He showed up to that hearing, to make sure that a human being would have to actually look at the details of his 'non-payment'. It was thrown out by the person in charge of the hearing within minutes. No one from the council apologised.
(Thu 26th Jul 2007, 16:21, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

His name was Andrew
and he was my second boyfriend. Very into keeping fit, he was one of those blokes who would take his shirt off at every opportunity in the hope that people would be impressed by his muscular, toned, tanned, waxed and possibly oiled torso. I cannot adequately describe how chuffed my 17-year-old, speccy, geeky, low-confidence self was to have pulled a guy this fit. Other girls were jealous of me, that had never happened before. It was great.

Until we got round to having sex. I was too naive to find it strange that he didn't want me to touch his cock. After a certain amount of fumbling about I was getting a bit bored.

ME: Stop teasing, fuck me.
HIM: Um, I am. I've just finished actually.

I disentangled myself and true enough, there was a condom full of spluff hanging off a knob that reminded me of nothing so much as a champagne cork.

I subsequently "lost" his phone number but fair's fair, he also "lost" mine. We next met by chance about a month later, when we both acted like we'd never been an item.

Thankfully my sex life since then has been a considerable improvement.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 14:27, More)
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