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» Real-life slapstick

Tube etiquette
I'm 6 ft something and have quite a broad chest. Generally I will be taller and broader than the average. Subsequently, when waiting in lines or crowds I can stop people trying to push their way to the front by simply standing there and being ready for the impact. I tell you this because it's relevant to the story (and so that you will be my friend).

Anyway, I was waiting for a tube train and the platform was crowded. As the train pulled up it to was crowded. You could tell that everyone had realised that some people were not going to get on this train.

The doors open and the push begins. Quite close to the door, I make sure that my lovely lady gets through and then I catch a blur out of corner of my eye. I tense, expecting a hit and bang. A businessman who had been close to running and had been pushing others out of the way met my left shoulder, bounced off it and ended up face first on the side of the tube train.

The man had the splattered on the side of a cliff face look that Wil.E. Coyote often had. He then pushed himself away from the train looking pretty dazed. Whilst this happened I had boarded the train, the doors had closed and had started to pull away.

I will never forget the look of confusion on his face and the people who had got on the train and seen all this laughing at the marks left on the window by a squashed businessman's face.
(Thu 21st Jan 2010, 13:34, More)

» Asking people out

The way to a woman's heart
I offered her a crunchie bar if she would gou out with me.
She declined.
I ate the crunchie bar and ended up going out with her friend the next day.

Dating was less hassle when you were 8.
(Mon 14th Dec 2009, 15:30, More)

» Anonymous

Rock night
I used to go to a rock night in Twickenham. It was good fun and lots of the devil's water was consumed. It also used to involve a rather lengthy train ride on an express train, so that we simply whizzed some of the local stations and would only stop at the main stations.

After one night of rock laden frivolities and a suitable amount of whiskey, I found myself on the train with a bladder full to bust. Being quite a quiet train and nobody apart from friends on my carriage I did what needed to be done. Down came the half window type thing by the door (old trains were so much more fun), down came the trousers and underwear, and a glorious stream of piss flowed.

Now most probably the speed of the trian would've have plastered said piss to the rest of the carriage. But somewhere deep inside it makes me a little bit fuzzy to think that the people waiting on the platform in Norbiton recieved a horizontal slash of yellow anonymity upon that very night.
(Fri 15th Jan 2010, 16:13, More)