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» British Slang Dictionary

Poofter -- Hear me out now.
When working in NY as a removals man, 'you fag' was a common slur. I convinced a fair few of my colleagues to use the British equivalent, as the etymology is much finer (Urban Dictionary) - "based on the permanant stretching of the anus that results from repeated anal sex, which causes farts to be emitted with a "pooft" sound rather than the usual, stacatto "bra-a-a-p".

I found out Merkins pronounce it 'Poof - Da'. A small section of NY removal men are still hopefully using this.

**The first time I asked someone in America if I could "bum a fag" I was regarded with very weird looks.**
(Fri 22nd Jan 2016, 19:42, More)

» Random Acts of Evil

Lights Out
Me and my buddy used to catch the same bus to and from school. On some nights during the Festive season, infused with a malice that only a day of hard learning can ferment, we would take our scissors and cut the fairy lights which adorned the more affluent/less shameful houses.
(Tue 21st Feb 2012, 16:03, More)

» Random Acts of Evil

Hot money
Not me, but rather my Pa in his youth - Apparently this works best if you are at school, due to ease of access to the necessary prep materials, and plenty of potential victims.

Heat up a coin in a Bunsen burner, taking care to hold with tongs. Depending on your level of malice wait until you have a white/red hot disc of near-molten metal, and deposit on the floor. Wait for a passer-by to be ‘branded’ by Her Maj.
(Tue 21st Feb 2012, 16:22, More)

» Money-saving tips

Friends and Thieves
**Points 1 + 2 applicable mainly for students**

1. Make friends with the Student’s Union security staff. I lived with one of the Heads of Security, resulting in free entry to every night he was working – ushered in like some sort of campus VIP. Also try to find a friend on the bar, as they can help subsidise your drinks.

2. Don’t ever buy books. Go to the library, find what you need, and take it to quiet corner. In all books there should be a magnetic security strip (usually front or back page). Just peel this mother off, pop the book in your bag, and stroll out. You can build up quite a collection in this way, and you are only doing yourself a favour by making it more difficult for other students to attain your level of knowledge.

3. Take up smoking pot instead of drinking. You will struggle to get through much more than £20 before falling asleep. Also, it breeds laziness and apathy, so you will be more content with a night in entertaining yourself than spunking money up the wall on drinks in the local. If you do motivate yourself to go out, just a few drinks and you will be wasted.
(Tue 15th Nov 2011, 12:54, More)

» Schadenfreude

Drunk cycling error
My good friend and myself had disembarked from Tooting Broadway tube after a rigorous drinking session in central London, and we were looking forward to a stagger home. I had, however, left my bike chained to the railings before going out and getting plastered, and recalling this dutifully went to reclaim it. After a struggle with the lock , my ‘Saracan’ was ready to go. I mounted and prepared to head off, much to the protestations of my chum. He saw no reason why I should get home before him, and after a little bit of gentle persuading I agreed to relinquish my saddle and pedal him home. He came off best in this arrangement, as he only had to sit on the saddle and hold onto my back, sticking his legs out stupidly behind him, while I had all the donkey’s work to do.

We were cycling in the middle of a quiet, flat and straight suburban road just behind the station, and it was about midnight, so there was little danger of us being flattened by some twat in an SUV. This is just as well, as our first two attempts to gather enough speed to stabilise us ended in inelegant failure, with us both on the floor, chuckling gently to ourselves at the absurdity of our travel arrangements and our light hearted disdain of drink-driving regulations.

But things took a nasty turn for the worse on the third attempt. The secret to stability lay in building up enough speed, but this accomplished just keeping the handlebars straight was proving to be a real effort. Nonetheless, I was determined to succeed, buoyed on by the thought of my mate telling tales of my manliness to my girlfriend the next morning. With this small triumph already mapped out in my head, I was pumping away at those pedals like Chris Hoy on ‘roids, while leaning perilously over the handlebars.

The inevitable happened, I leaned too far, the handlebars swerved and I went flying through the night air, face-planting gloriously at speed. Unknown to me, my mate had managed to execute a delicate little jump and land on his feet perfectly unscathed. My chin took the full force of the impact, but my head actually bounced and attacked the cold, unforgiving concrete for a second time. This time I knocked half of my front left tooth away and split my lip. Remarkably I didn’t pass out, but staggered up almost immediately, not in great pain, which I could only thank the alcohol for. I grinned sheepishly at my buddy, who looked on with a mixture of shock, awe and great amusement at my battle-scarred face. “Shiiiit...You look like youve been in a war. And Where’s half your tooth gone?” he exclaimed. It was here I began to panic, and I dropped to my knees and began frantically scouring the road. Moy amigo, realising the amount of blood pouring from head wasn’t normal, kindly called an ambulance, into which I was ushered, looking for all the world like a ginger Shane McGowan on St.Patricks Day. They made me feel like the prick I was for wasting their valuable time, and some of you taxpayers’ money, and clearly felt no sympathy despite my pitiful lamentations concerning my face, my busted bike, a hefty dentist’s bill and the sound bollocking my gf was sure to administer.

*PostScript: I did end up having a small laugh out of it all however. Mon ami, acting selflessly, accompanied me to A&E. Between waiting for the ambulance and watching my toof hunt, he had managed to score some weed. Happily he only received oregano or nettles or something, and had to sober up watching ITV in A&E for 3 hrs!
My tooth was found lodged in the top of my gum.
(Thu 17th Dec 2009, 21:45, More)
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