» Overheard secrets

At Glastonbury...
2 o'clock in the morning, in my tent, whilst 3 west country lads were outside by their own tent.
West Country Lad 1 (WCL1) : "Have you met WCL3's sister yet?"
WCL2 : "No, what she like?"
WCL1 : "Lovely. Bit chubby, but she's got a lovely smile. Loves a bit of cock."
WCL3 : "OY! that's my sister you're talking about."
WCL1 : "It's true though, isn't it?"
WCL3 : Disappointed "Yeah..."
(Fri 26th Aug 2011, 21:59, More)

» PE Lessons

A bit of a tug
At the time this happened I was attending a large secondary comprehensive in East London. We had a couple of PE teachers, and they would give us the option of splitting up for activities, football, basketball, hockey, swimming, etc. Now I always used to pick swimming, never a great one for hand eye co-ordination, or team activities.

So me and a couple of other lads were sitting around waiting to be taken to the local baths, when a PE teacher said it was cancelled. Too late to join up with the other activities, so he told us to get changed, and go to the gym hall.

The reason for this was because we had a tug of war team (3 to be exact, split into years above me.) and they were this PE teachers pride and joy. And today there was a tournament against a posher school.

So, after being told to sit on a bench, we then had to watch each year battle it out (best of 3 for each year). Of course our school was thoroughly trounced. Our teacher was heartbroken and dispirited. But then he had a bright idea, to cheer his lads up and give the other school a bit of a laugh, Let's have a tug of war with the misfits on the bench, as their was enough of us to make a team. Now to look at us, we were a mismatched bunch. Me the odd one, the skinny as a rake kid, the fat kid, the kid with the thick glasses and a squint, I could go on, but you get the picture. We weren't friends as such, but we recognised each others faults, and lived with it.

So he put us up against our youngest school team first (still a year above us). What the thick dolt hadn't realised was that we had been
watching and discussing why our school was losing and the other school kept winning. So quick team talk between the lot of us and away we went. we won on the first 2 rounds, and won the match.

The other schools PE teacher offered us a go against their team. Beat them as well.

Next, our middleweight team. Beat them.

Other school middleweight team. Same again.

We were pissing ourselves, and you could see both the PE teachers stumbling headfirst into disbelief and apoplexy.

So, onto the heavyweights. Now we were all aged 12 at the time, and these fuckers were about 15/16. And hairy with it. There could have been a touch of the Mungo in there somewhere. They glowered at us, hinting at the kicking we were going to get.

We took on our school first. No problems, beat them on the first 2 rounds.

Then finally the other school team. By this time we were in a strange situation. We were being cheered on by our school when we were competing against the visiting school, then vice-versa.

We won the first round, difficult, but got there. The second pull we lost. The crowd groaned. At this point we were well and truly knackered. We'd just done 10 rounds straight, whilst the other teams had done a max of 2 each, and had rested inbetween. We gathered round, and had a pep-talk, trying to gee ourselves up.

The final round. By God these blokes were strong, and it was lasting for what seemed ages. We kept losing ground, but suddenly from nowhere, we started to inch back, and inexorably gained ground until finally we got them over the line.

Both the schools went wild and cheered. The beaten team came up and shook our hands. The visiting PE teacher made a remark to our teacher about just using us for the tournaments in the future.

After the furore had died down, our PE teacher walked over. We waited for some words of praise, some recognition of this amazing feat that we had managed to achieve. His words were 'End of lesson, go back and get changed'. And that was it. The churlish fucker.

Popped my posting cherry.
Sorry about the length, about 35 metres.
(Tue 24th Nov 2009, 20:56, More)

» Controversial Beliefs

If your significant other consistently leaves 1 sheet on a toilet roll.
They have no respect for you, and basically the relationship is over.
If the last sheet has been removed, then laid over the top of the cardboard tube, they're probably seeing someone else.
(Mon 29th Apr 2013, 17:48, More)

» Training courses, seminars and conferences

Taking a bullet
On a training course up in the London, about 10 years ago, with 3 other people from department.
Monday : Announcement from our company that redundancies would be starting this week.
Tuesday : Redundancies started. Numbers were announced. My 3 companions were getting jittery.
Wednesday : The paring down continued.
Thursday : Announcement that the redundancy process had now finished, barring 1 person who was out of office. Panic on the training course now sets in.
Friday : Everybody is now on tenterhooks, the anxiety is killing them. So I took them to one side and explained that it was me. I'd been told on Friday the week before, that I would be made redundant, but to keep it quiet.
The reason for my redundancy : I'd told my line manager that he was a lazy bastard who spent more time doing his other role of Council Leader (not his day job, just had dispensation, and I was fed up backfilling for him, so asked for a transfer to another team).
(Fri 16th Mar 2012, 18:16, More)

» Crappy relationships

The Usual Suspects
Spoiler alert.

At the end of the film, when the detective looks around his office and realises the whole story Keyser Soze has just told him is a complete fabrication, made up from various pieces of detritus in his office...

Well, it's only when I discovered my partner of 15 years shagging her gay male friend, that I realised that when she was describing his partner (who he was having relationship problems with, and that was why he was staying over) she was actually describing me. And after I moved out, did I realise that most of the stories she told me were just that. For 15 years. What got my goat was had she an almost pathalogical hatred of being lied to. Can only presume because she found it so effortless..

Lack of laughs in this one, I only take comfort that I saw her for the first time in a good couple of years yesterday, and for somebody who traded and worried about her looks, she looked rougher than a bulldog licking piss of a nettle. With a very wide arse.
(Wed 27th Oct 2010, 23:28, More)