» Failed Projects

Many years ago,
I was doing my military training and we had all been discussing ideas on how to pull off a stunt to be remembered. Our drill instructor, who was also the highest ranking officer in barracks at that time was finally given a new Land Rover after months and months of whinging. There it was, shiny new, royal blue 110.

About a day or two later, under the cover of darkness, two of us decided to nick it. So what to do with it? Obvious really, we took it to the motor pool and sprayed it bright pink, then took it back where we found it.

We were all awoken rather earlier than usual and made to go outside as we were, and it was winter. We all went out to the playground where a rather irritated and somewhat annoyed c/o was shouting and demanding answers.
Nobody said a word and the vehicle was sent back to the motor pool to be restored to it's former colour and we all lost a weekend leave so or best laid plans had sort of backfired on us a bit.

Turned out fine in the end though. Two days later we were playing games on Dartmoor. After a nice ramble in the countryside we got back to our rv and there it was. The 110 and our c/o just getting out. While he was having a little chat with us the heavens opened and it pissed down. What he hadn't realised was when it was taken back for re-spray, it was coated in a water based royal blue paint and slowly began to run revealing firstly a nice pink roof before looking like a zebra which had been for a swim in strawberry yogurt.
We lost another 2 weekend passes for that. Tits up or what?
(Tue 8th Dec 2009, 17:06, More)

» Letters they'll never read

Hello. My name is Mr Omboko and I leeve in Nigeeria.
Dear pipple of bitter.

I hev been advarsed from Meester Gigglemush of Kinetic North Ltd to write thees letter to you and breeng you all gud fortune.

I dont no whaat ees heppening to the weather here. Eets supposed to be sunny but I jus looked out of ma weendow and it am peesing down like a hippo here. Jeezus Crarst!
I hev been watchin you pipple here and I em very pleased to be able to talk to you at last and chew de fat and al thet jazz. I would lark to till you about masilf and breeng you big opportuuunity to make beeg money to AY YI YI YI YI YI!

I was riscued by the chuch when I was a leetle keed after my father was keeled by a beeg gang of men with steeks after he raped the wiife of the chiff of poliss and myy mother was tekken away by an illifant and was never sin agin.

In hees will he left me the keys to hees empire. A chain of 300 Rolls Roice shops al over Efrica. Thees bisniss am doing very well and no sign of any resission here meester.

I hef a small problim. You see, I em a disabled after an accident with a beeg nife wen I was keeling a gnu for dinner. I hed trepped the bugger in the hole in the ground wheech I had made thet morning after breckfass. I remimber it very will. I hed Wittabeex.
I jump eento the hole to cut the buggers throt but he jump up and keeked me in the tissticles and I fall on my beeg nife wheech stab me in the enus. I hef not been able to walk since thees tirrible eccidant.

Wat I em saying raaht here ess thet I can not get to the benk untill too week time and I need some cash to send out for some pain keelers eef you know wat I mean. Ai Yi Yi Yi Yi Yi Yi.

You pipple of bitter sind me faarve hundrid Eengleesh ponds in a jeefy beg and I weel post you a brend new Rolls Roice. I muss be med but you weel be doing me a beeeeeeeg faver here ma frind. My adriss is 61a The Beeg Steet, Nkottomokonumba, Johinnisbug. Efrica NW1 3RT
Think you
(Wed 10th Mar 2010, 16:16, More)