b3ta.com user Purpledoris
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» Babysitters

I used to have to sit for my younger brother
one night my parents had been out to the pub and having been persuaded to look after my little bruv, I invited my then boyfriend round to listen to The Cure and stuff - we were both 16.......no shenanigans but mum didn't know he was coming round so when the door opened and she let out the most buttock-flappery fart ever, she was most disconcerted when Pete popped his head round the kitchen door to say hello......I think even Roy and Maureen across the street were woken up by that almighty guff too. This still reduces me to tears even after 24 years!
(Thu 28th Oct 2010, 13:55, More)

» Kids say the shittiest things

Shopping with a 5 year old
My delightful little brother in a shopping trolley as he was still under 5 announced very loudly in the "Feminine Hygiene" section:"Mum, are those the white bog sticks that you stick up your bum"
(Fri 24th May 2013, 15:24, More)

» Creepy!

Perils of lone train travel
In my late teens I was seeing a chap who lived in Amersham - we used to meet up in Berkhamsted for a few drinks before returning to our respective towns. I was a great deal skinnier in those days and was wearing a mid thigh length skirt and skimpy top (Being 17/18)One night we had been having quite a few beers but I had to get up early next day and so caught an earlier train. My local station was a good 40 mins walk from where I was living at the time and so I started off the wobbly walk home to be stopped halfway by a police car. The rozzer informed me that I had been followed all the way from the station and that every time he got near the person hid away from view. Said policeman then gave me a lift home and I made him drop me about 100 yds from home so as not to freak out my mother. That in itslef is not alarming but the description given to me by the policeman bore an uncanny resemblance to the later arrested "Railway Rapist". I have been slightly more sensible since.......
(Thu 7th Apr 2011, 17:23, More)

» Irrational Hatred

500 miles
or indeed anything rendered by those awful scrotes. Mindbleach now!
Although I do not consider this an irrational hatred, it is the best (or worst) I could come up with. Apart from people who walk to another room for some nefarious purpose and then start a conversation with you knowing that you cannot hear them.
Little boy shouts upstairs: "Mum help...."
Mum says "I am not talking to you whilst you are downstairs, come up here and talk to me"
Little boy upon reaching "upstairs" : "I have got dogshit on my shoes and I can't undo the laces"

no apologies will be made for any punctuation errors or typos. It's late and I have polished off the rest of the Lagunilla Rioja which the BF kindly left...........
(Wed 6th Apr 2011, 1:03, More)

» Yum!

A little ditty
The sausage is a cunning bird,
with feathers bright and wavy.
It skates around the frying pan
and makes its' nest in gravy.
(Tue 2nd Jul 2013, 18:19, More)
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