b3ta.com user Chimpmonkey
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» Cars

DIY car maintainance
I was 17, just passed my test. The folks had just bought a new(ish) car, and as the garage had offered them peanuts for the old motor, they gave it to me.

Trouble was, the brakes squealed a bit. This was irritating, so using my extensive knowledge of engineering related matters and the infallibility of the youthful mind, I figured squeaking car parts required oil. So I oiled the brakes. Specifically the bit that was squeaking, the bit between the brake disc and the brake pads. The bit where the pads had worn away to bare metal. The bit that requires friction, not copious amounts of lubrication, to work effectively.

I shot through the first junction I came through like a stabbed Henri Paul.
(Thu 22nd Apr 2010, 16:17, More)

» Funerals II

The Old Man's send off
My old man's final send off was a bit of a disaster. My brother (he's a big fucker, over 6'5") and I (5'10") were pall bearers. For some reason the fat twat's coping strategy pre-funeral involved getting pissed beforehand, and then necking a generous hip flask of booze before we set off with Dad on our shoulders.

The first problem - the door to the church was too narrow for the coffin and bearers, so there needed to be some delicate manoeuvring to get through in a dignified way. I'm at the front (Dad's already feet down because of the height difference between ape-cunt and the rest of us), but the arsehole is already too pissed to notice what's going on, so he's fucking *pushing* from the back whilst the rest of us are trying to stop the coffin from popping into the church and crashing to the floor.

The second problem was getting the old fella into the ground. All the pall bearers are supposed to lower the ropes together so that the coffin comes to a dignified rest at the bottom, all straight and level. But when the vicar gave the signal, the stupid twat starts paying out the rope like he's letting out a sail and the coffin ends up at a very Jimmy Savillesque 45 degrees. To top it off, one of the mourners peers into to the hole to see what's going on and drops his fucking glasses in.

Classy funeral.

(Thu 11th Apr 2013, 19:53, More)