» Churches, temples and holy places

My parents weren't very religious,
but thought they should at least appear to be, in order to be a good guide for their impressionable children. So inevitably we would be dragged to the local church every sunday, and I was even made an altar boy later on. But that's a different story.

So after spending some substantial amount of time in this little concrete walled encasement of god, I couldn't believe I had never noticed that strange thing on the cross over the altar. Yes, there were those two wooden beams intersecting at approximately two third hight, and yes, there was this skinny dude hanging kind of listlessly with a gaze of sheer boredom on his face. But what was that on his head? For some reason, I had never noticed his crown of thorns. And being very young, and not knowing about shit, I asked my parents in the middle of the service in that squeaky piercing children's voice that penetrates all other noises "Mom, why does Jesus have antlers?" This being before the invention of humour, I got kicked out immediately, with not a single stifled laugh to be heard.
(Thu 1st Sep 2011, 20:24, More)

» LOL Bigots

The best way to start the day
After a long night out in Frankfurt, four of us drunkenly found our way into a two person's hotel room to stay the night. Of course, we offered the beds to the two ladies in our group, and I just crashed on the floor in front of the window. Much as I would like to consider myself a gentleman, but the reality is, that it just seemed highly unlikely the girl I quite fancied would have let me share a bed.

Maybe it was the thought of lying just a metre away from my dream woman, but in any case I did not get any sleep that night. And as slowly the world around the hotel would awake on a beautiful Sunday morning, inside everything remained fast asleep. Or so I thought, when suddenly I heard a noise from the bed next to me. The leg hanging out from under the duvet stirred, and I noticed her sitting up in bed. I heard the rustle of silk on her soft skin, when she slipped into her beautiful hand made dressing gown that she had bought on a trip to Bali. Next I heard her footsteps coming closer. She stood over me, and though the room was dark, I was sure she was looking at me. I didn't know what to say. The other two people in the room were still fast asleep.

Suddenly she pulls open the window and screams outside “Oy, Ching Chong China man. Stop those strange Kung Fu noises. Don't you know that hereabouts, people want to sleep on a Sunday morning?” With a resounding thud, the window was shut again, and little blond princess slipped out of her pink Chinese silk gown and back under the blankets again to sleep with an eerily righteous expression on her face, while two Chinese people outside simply continued their conversation as before.
(Tue 26th Feb 2013, 13:41, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Oh, you've got to see that boy in room 209
When I was around 10 I had a hernia. The symptoms included one of my testicles vanishing from my scrotum and retracting somewhere into my body, especially when i was jumping on one leg (don't ask how I found out). This seemed to be of great interest to the majority of the medical staff, and possibly some patients. At least twelve people came separately to visit me, have me undress and jump on one leg until my ball was gone. Some scribbled something on a piece of paper, others were just staring in amazement.

I'm glad if I contributed something to the education of young doctors, but to this very day i fear my ball will vanish if someone looks at it. "Sure we can fuck" i have to tell the ladies, "but don't look at my privates."
(Fri 12th Mar 2010, 13:13, More)

» School Naughtiness

That's what you get for letting people wait

Our teacher was late. How could she possible dare to delay the education of thirtysomething young enquiring minds, thirsting for their daily dose of knowledge in order to one day lead the world into a golden age of perfectly spoken Latin. This was inexcusable. We had to do something to teach her. So as not to allow her to force her wacky timetable onto us, we decided that we would try and turn the tables, and have her wait instead. To this end, we closed the door, put a Table and a dustbin behind it in a way that the handle could not be pushed down any more, and waited for her delayed arrival. After what seemed like several million hyperfine-structure transitions of your ordinary caesium atom, she finally arrived and found she wasn't able to enter her classroom. Through the door she yelled at us, but we wouldn't let her in. Since we were all in the class room and only she was not, we thought she couldn't note us down for missing lessons.

Now, even though the good lady was a little slow and hardly motivated, our swift and dauntless action had clearly challenged her. She decided to once again turn the tables and lock us in while she would go and fetch the headmaster. Only problem was, that the good man was not in his office. So while she was roaming the floors looking for him, we decided to make as much of a ruckus as humanly possible. We threw chairs against the wall, screaming manically, behaving like some real psychopaths actually. By chance it was the headmaster who heard us, and opened up the door to see what all the fuzz was about. We explained to him, that our teacher had said she wasn't in the mood today, had locked us up, and left us alone for the rest of the hour. It was only after one of us had had a panic attack, being afraid of closed rooms, and another one needed a wee, that we had taken to this drastic behaviour he had overheard.

The good headmaster let us free, and told us we could spend the rest of the hour outside. On our way down, we came past our teacher on the stairs, still searching for the headmaster. We waved at her cheerily, and I don't think she really recognized who we were. Behind us however, we could hear the voice of the headmaster. “Ah yes, Misses ******, I think we need to talk.”
(Thu 8th Sep 2011, 16:46, More)

» Dad stories

Things my Dad sais without trying to be ironic:
"Don't always exaggerate everything so horrendously!"
"Your facts won't convince me you're right."
"You know, I'm the kind of person who doesn't brag about anything, which you should really learn to do aswell."

There are many more, but these are ones he uses regularly, and he never in all those years caught on to why my brother and I were laughing.
(Thu 25th Nov 2010, 13:03, More)