» Crappy relationships

Whisper softly in my ear, say the words I dread to hear....
Doesn't involve me directly but worth a mench, I think - yrsnyrs ago there was a girl living - or regularly visiting her boyfriend - somewhere up the road from me who had a healthy horizontal appetite, and who was LOUD. Seriously, crockery rattlingly, stuff your ears with cotton wool, turn on the radio and stick the pillow over your head loud. Her other half was clearly either extremely talented, or had a jazz cucumber that should have been reclassified as a marrow. So,you get the idea. Loud.

Anyway, after a few weeks of this, and after the usual nightime broadcast of groans, screams, wails etc, she yells out "I LOVE YOU". This was followed by complete utter silence. Never heard a thing again.

Struck me as quite sad.....
(Mon 25th Oct 2010, 17:54, More)

» Conversation Killers

Not really a conversation that was killed, more strangled at birth*
Have you ever started saying something and before it was fully out of your mouth, realised it was mahoosively inappropriate, but still not been able to stop yourself from saying it?

So, I'm coming out of the local shop (not Tesco's in case any brizztol based trustafarian cockwipes were thinking of fire-bombing my wheelie bin in order to protest about, you know, stuff) and someone was shaking a charity collection box. Being a charitable sort, without really thinking about it I reached into my pocket and pulled out a handful of small change which I deposited into the collection box saying nonchalantly,

"There's some shrapnel for you"

I was at about the second "r" when I realised it was a guy in a squaddies uniform collecting for help for heroes.


I don't know whether he had both his legs. I had coitused right off before I got the chance to look closely.

*ok, reading it back that doesn't work.
(Thu 12th May 2011, 20:05, More)

» Good Advice

Save embarrassment with homeopathic porn:
Simply cut and paste one pixel from your favourite naughty lady picture into a blank frame. Hit your screen with a copy of the bible, then take one pixel from the resulting picture and place it into another blank frame.

Do this a couple of hundred times and by the time you have finished you will, due to the memory of pixels, be faced with an image so stupendously horn inducing you'll be spunking your strides so heartily you'll need to be rehydrated by saline drip.

Plus if your missus checks out the images you've saved, she won't be able to see a thing.

Happy homeo-eroticism !
(Fri 21st May 2010, 18:38, More)

» Professions I Hate

The people responsible for installing working indicator bulbs in BMWs
They obviously do fuck all work.
(Fri 28th May 2010, 15:49, More)

» Bad Management

How about....
....a sexually incontinent walking mid-life-crisis of a line manager who has no time for anyone in their team other than one specific 20 years younger than them little strumpet on whom they lavish more time and attention than the rest of the team put together.

I ask merely as a theoretical construct.
(Thu 10th Jun 2010, 14:38, More)