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» Letters they'll never read

'Apology' letter...
I was sitting in my classroom, last year, when the deputy head marched in, mouth as thin as a hamster's dildo, eyes humourless.
"Maxfire in here?"
"Follow me." He walked out. I could tell this guy thought he was the dog's bollocks just by the fact that he had the audacity to summon me like so. So I followed him to his office, and sat in this big leather chair, rather like what a forty-something male would buy during his mid-life crisis. He sat opposite me, in a matching chair.
"I am Dan, the deputy principle. And as you can tell, Max, we are very high powered people". I restrained myself from making a cutting remark on his arrogance, "do you have any idea why you are here?"
"This isn't a face of someone in-the-know," I replied casually,
"no..." he did not crack a smile. He waited 10 whole seconds for me to answer. I said nothing, "so you don't know why you're here?"
"Not a clue. Do you?"
"There has been a complaint about a photo you uploaded on Facebook". Oh. It clicked.
Yesterday evening, my friend decided she would hide her hair from the rain by wrapping her coat round her head. I noticed that it looked a bit like a headscarf. She had the genius idea to take a picture of her in her new-found headscarf, and have a silent giggle and bitch about the muslim girl who used to bully her. Anyway, this photo somehow ended up on Facebook that night, and had no trouble acquiring offensive and borderline-racist comments. I put two and two together. It looked to me like the snivelling, greasy-faced, little shit had complained (I should mention here that the comments on the picture didn't actually refer to her by name).
So this "Dan" bloke gave me what can only be described as the most boring telling off. He didn't raise his voice from the monotone he clung to so dearly, his syllables did not change length, and his grey lifeless eyes did not move from my face. Eventually, he told me I had to write a letter of apology to the girl.
This, I did. I have to admit, it was a masterpiece of an apology letter. In fact, I reckon I got the sarcasm level to a point of perfection. To the girl, it would seem like a further kick in the teeth, an insult, just another way to take the piss, while also a seemingly standard letter to an adult reader. It was a work of art.
So the night before I gave it to her, I showed it to my headscarf-mocking ally, who was at my house She seemed particularly excited, and even took it aside, folded it neatly, placed it in an envelope and sealed it for me.

The next day, I am sitting across from the "victim of racism" on train.
"Um...here", I passed her the envelope with a slight sense of pride and anticipation. She said nothing, and slowly opened it. What happened next confused me. She pulled out a piece of paper, but this was not the portrait of a letter that I had spent so long on, but a piece of plain paper with 6 words on, in block capitals, I might add:



Needless to say, my friend and I were very nearly expelled.
As for the letter she'll never read, I found it screwed up, in a tight ball, under my desk.
(Fri 5th Mar 2010, 0:40, More)

» Letters they'll never read

To those three girls yesterday.
Thanks for asking me to spend the day with you guys yesterday. I don't think you even know how much I needed to spend time with people who aren't wankers, or how much I appreciated it.
(Sun 7th Mar 2010, 16:14, More)

» Ginger

My mum is naturally ginger...
...and my dad has black/dark brown hair.

My hair is as blond as heaven.
(Tue 2nd Mar 2010, 11:44, More)