» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

bleeding bum
A few months ago I went out on the raz on a Friday night with some mates to Whitley Bay (hurah!). Awesome night, stumbled home with a bolognaise pizza and all was well. The Mrs woke me up around 3 or 4 in the morning as she'd found me wasted and asleep on the loo.

Falling asleep on the loo is not something that you should do. Really. In the morning I wake with a throat like sandpaper and stumble off for a post night-out poop. When wiping I can feel that there's a clingon there though, so wipe again to get rid of it. Oops, that's no clingon. Once before I had the same thing, it's a hemorrhoid. Not one of the dangly ones, nope. this one is on the ourside of my bum and is about the size of my thumb.

Saturday is taken up with Diet Coke, Marathon bars (who calls them Snickers?) and playing with the kids (not a euphemism). Life carries on basically....

Sunday arrives and me and a mate (one of the ones who was also on the piss with me) are off to do the P Company challenge in the Paras 10 race. Basically this is a 10 mile race run by the Parachute regiment and is one fo their tests. The run is to be done in boots and carrying a 35lb bergan. The race goes well, my mate finishes in 1h40 (used to be a PTI - typical), I manage 1h50 (the cut off time for Paras to complete it in when training - yay!). Bum feel fine, have a burger while watchign the red devils and drive home. Cool.

Monday. Wake up, off to the loo - I'm regular like that you see. Hmmm, there's blood on the loo paper. Ok, no biggie, wipe and it'll be fine. In work later in the day and my bum is still bleeding. Uh-oh. I tell my manager that I need to leave and go seek assistance (pun intended). Taxi to the hospital (RVI in Newcastle) and I walk in looking for A&E. They don't have one. Bugger. Another taxi to the General hospital and I wait for a while. When I'm finally seen, a Thai woman Doctor comes into the room and asks me to assume the position. She then lubs up and slips the fingers inside. To repeat, a Thai bird has her fingers in my arse and I didn't have to pay her.

I wait in the observation wing and use my phones sparingly as the aged matronlly nurse doesn't seem to like me replying to work emails while my bum is bleeding. Later I'm whisked away in an ambulance of sorts back to the RVI from where I came earlier to see a surgeon. As it happens the surgeon on call was the proctologist and he wants to have a good play in there too. Basically I have an open thrombosed hemorrhoid, basically this big thumb sized bum grape burst from the race and is bleeding, and won't stop bleeding unless they do "stuff" to it. Okey dokey I tell him, so long as I'm ok to run the Great North Run at the weekend I tell him. Erm no, I'll need 2 weeks off work and no running. Oh. I am excused and need to return the next day at 7am, so off I pop home for din dins.

The next day arrives and I sit on a bed watchign TV and listening to my ipod for hours. In the afternoon I am finally asked to don my surgical stockings, remove my undercrackers and prepare for arse surgery. It's all very calm, going to surgery, speaking to the anesthetist etc, but I know that as soon as I'm asleep they'll be laughing at my small willy and pulling my bum apart so wide that the Tyne Tunnel will be jealous.

I wake from surgery and they gave me some morphine. This is amazing. Really really amazing. I tried to tell one of the doctors a joke which comes out as a mish mash of words which makes no sense at all. I think I am hilarious. Morphine is amazing, I can see why people get addicted.

Back on the ward I am left ot my own devices, nurses come and go and life carries on. I'm in overnight and it's all fine really. They feed me, look after me, give me drugs. The NHS is pretty good in my opinion.

Next day, I wake, given breakfast, more drugs and await to see the Doc who will sign me a chitty and let me leave. I really should use the lav before I go as they need to check that they didn't re-plumb me and it's all still working, it takes forever. But hey ho - chitty signed and off I go.

They said that the pain could be unbearable, but frankly I was lucky. I wasn't in too much pain at all and could walk around, sit down, basically get on with stuff - no running just yet though!

So I had the 2 weeks off work sick, played COD4 lots, watched Jezza Kyle, masterbated myself into a frenzy every 2 hours or so - basically lived as if I was a student. Then the wife and kids woudl come home and I'd be family man again.

The NHS is amazing. They saw me on the day I had a problem, I then saaw a surgeon the next day who knew what they were talking about, gave me drugs and stuff and told me to come back the next day for surgery. They did the surgery, fixed the problem, looked after me, fed me and gave me more drugs. Excellent service. Yes they are stretched and need more money. Nurses do an amazing job and I think they are all wonderful.

Of course, reading between the lines, I also got a Thai birds fingers in my arse and had to wear stockings. I would pay for this stuff normally....
(Wed 17th Mar 2010, 9:13, More)

» Annoying words and phrases

PIN number
Enter your PIN number....

No, it's not a PIN number, it's a PIN. The 'N' stands for number, as in Personal Identification Number.

Same at work - EIN number, even though EIN stands for Employee Identification Number.

If you say PIN number then I hate you.
(Thu 8th Apr 2010, 15:33, More)

» Annoying words and phrases

Snickers
I'm not that old (33), but I still call them Marathon bars. To me, 'Snickers' just sounds too European and horrible. It's almost as if you can't say 'Snickers' without some kind of French accent.

Marathon.
(Fri 9th Apr 2010, 10:40, More)

» Amazing displays of ignorance

Madge from neighbours
Back in the late 90's, I told me ex that Madge from "Neighbours" gargled with cat litter and that was why her voice sounded like it did.

She believed me too until I burst our laughing. El stoopido...
(Thu 18th Mar 2010, 22:14, More)

» Sexual Disasters

Hairy
I was 18 and back from uni for Xmas. My mate and I hit town on Xmas eve and got trashed....

While walking home I saw little and large and decided to ask where they were going....mistake. Ended up going clubbing, more drinks,mthe a taxi. Large got dropped off leaving me and little (less large really). Back to hers but be quiet as her Dad was upstairs,,,,,weird as she was about 35 (and rough).

Bad sex...just bad...and she had hairy tits. Not like hairy nipples, but hairy tits.
(Thu 19th Mar 2015, 23:08, More)