b3ta.com user fluffybunnykiller
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» Wanking Disasters Part II

caught by the step mother
many many "many's" ago when i was a raging pit of teenage hormones i found my dads stash of mid 80's porn.
so after discovering this dog eared pile of hairy clunges and ample bosoms.
i was happy to discover, that it was possible to get a "instant boner just add porn" moment, anyhoo i was in a daze of self induced knob polishing with mags laid out in the garden shed.
and in mid stroke i saw the door open and in stepped step mother just as i was gurning over a particularly hairy clunge, that still to this day reminds me of brian blesseds mouth and beard turned side ways, she took one look at me and started to scream and shout i took one more stroke and shot the lot.
needless to say that dinner for next few weeks was rather a uncomfortable time
(Thu 17th Feb 2011, 17:45, More)

» Greed

beer bbq offer of more beer
several monsoons ago when we had a rather pleasant weekend, we decided to hold a bbq party.
much buying of beer burgers prawns and other tasty burney things later, we are ready for teh off and so light the bbq, but before we had even got to this stage much beer vodka and tequila had been consumed and bets made as to who was going to be the first to get arseholed. as a side bet a friend decided to wager that i wouldnt sniff some squirty creme, the fool!

Bbq was kicking of well and truly more had been drunk and friend raised the wage again and produced the aerosol of squirt creme. being the gulible fool and wankerd to boot i took the can from him and then shoved the nozzle up my nose and let fly with the spray.....

dear god possibly the worst thing i have ever done for a bet, my eyes started to stream, my nose felt like it was falling of, but it was just a mix of snot and expanding spray creme , i couldnt stop coughing up great lumps of creme from the back of my mouth it just kept ouzing out of my nose, what followed next was a nightmare . for the next week all any one who was near me could smell was rancid creme, me? i coudnt smell any thing but then again i couldnt taste any thing for a week either, developed a massive sinus infection and when the doctor asked me about it and the smell, he nearly pissed himself laughing .
and what was the great pay off for so much suffering i hear you ask?

1 can of beer! and you know what ?
i feel cheated, that beer was bought by me for the damned bbq

feel fee to add punctuation where you think it is needed
(Sun 17th Apr 2011, 22:00, More)

» Drunk Parents

back in the day when good old Britain had a defence industry and built beautiful planes to keep us all safe and smug.
my father was a tech sergeant on a now closed RAF base that used to fly lightnings.
one weekend he and my mum who was an air traffic controller on the base decided to get jiggy in the hanger on the wing of a lightning, unfortunately they chose sunday afternoon to get a skinfull first and whilst getting down to the sweaty business failed to see there friends at the hanger door getting a free show. pity for him he had to much to drink and shot his wad in seconds and had to put up with the nickname of lightning for the rest of his career .
not very funny but then they both were boring peeps until they had a drink inside them. i think that there may be a few more stories here for them
(Thu 24th Feb 2011, 19:26, More)

» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

christmas about 2004 my lovly wife had a seriously gooey
and runny head cold with all the snot and eye bogeys that go with it.
feeling very tired and drowsy she fell asleep and i being the typical caring loving hubby decided to selo tape her eyes closed.
aside from having her mum sitting there pissing her self I did video it as well, unfortunately since lost, but the upshot was her trying to open her eyes and being unable to. me and mum in law crying tears at my groggy wife struggling with what she thought was gunky eyes .
cruel but oh so funny if the video ever resurfaces then it will be posted
(Thu 16th Jun 2011, 17:19, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

back in the days of 1984 my dad and several of his friends
decided to have a beach bbq, we lived in lynton in north devon at the time so the sensible thing for me to do was to take my fishing gear and as i was probably the youngest member on the beach took my self of to the waters edge .
dad and friends had the bbq going wine and beer was going down like the titanic the sun was getting low and the mackerel had come in close to the shore, casting a string of feathers out past the shoal and trolling it back netted me 2 mackerel on the first pass and by the 4th pass i had a dozen or so .
from catching and gutting to cooking on the bbq was less than 5 mins , and since that day i have never tasted fish that good .
(Thu 26th May 2011, 22:12, More)
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