b3ta.com user hnnrs
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Profile for hnnrs:
Profile Info:

I work for BT internet support in Bristol, meaning I get paid very little to tell people what I already know in a sarcastic manner.


Recent front page messages:


Best answers to questions:

» First rude thing I ever saw

Oh god this is embarrassing
But I guess it's always going to be.

As a pre-teen, my dad always had a garage well-stocked with calendars of ladies with their jubblies out. I'm not sure if my dad even used the calendars for their intended purpose (marking dates and that). In fact, I think it was March for a whole year in 1989 thanks to Fiona from Croydon and her luscious shirt potatoes.

Anyway, I started noticing something strange happening whenever I looked at dad's pornographic date tables. My little chap, who was then at his littlest and most chappiest, would move ever so slightly whenever I looked at the calendar.

My feeble little mind was unable to comprehend how there was a link between what I saw and how my appendage reacted (actually, to this day I don't think I've been able to figure that out), so I shouted out - in front for my parents - "COR! SHE'S A WILLY-WAGGLER!"

From here, whenever I saw a scantily-clad buxom young lass in the paper I'd shout out "COR! SHE'S A WILLY-WAGGLER!" Or if there was an attractive member of the fairer sex on TV (probably Debbie McGee) (standards were low in the 80s) there would be the inevitable cries of "COR! SHE'S A WILLY-WAGGLER!"

My parents found this all rather amusing, and didn't ever try to stop me. Until one day when I was in town with my mum and I saw a rather curvacious woman in skimpy summer clothing. The inevitable shout went out to the extent that I think she heard me. Cue inevitable bollocking from mum, who didn't seem to think it was that funny anymore.

I didn't say it after that.
(Fri 12th Aug 2011, 0:15, More)

» "You're doing it wrong"

Just today, on the train with the girlfriend
Upon seeing a poster for the new Seth Lakeman album, I said, "Do you think Seth Lakeman's related to Rick Wakeman?"
(Tue 20th Jul 2010, 20:54, More)

» Job Interview Disasters

Our Price. Barnstaple. 1998.
At the time I was mainlining the NME, I had one ear permanently tuned to Radio One and the other on a Fender Strat with a 10 watt amp in my bedroom. I was the fucking king of music.

The first part of the interview involved naming the current top 10 singles and albums in the UK. I nailed it. Shania Twain was number one at the time.

”You got every answer right," she said. "That's never happened before.”

"So, what do you think makes Our Price better than the other record stores in Barnstaple?"

A beat. I thought through why I liked this compact disc utopia better than all the others.

There were three music shops in Barnstaple. Sound n Vision was the indie kid's paradise, chock full of CD singles and a guy who looked a little like Steve Lamacq. Up Front was fronted by a guy with 37 kids, and it was the choice for vinyl wizards taking drugs I had not even heard of at that point. And Our Price, inhabited by dads who wanted to listen to the new Ocean Colour Scene CD in their brand spanking new Ford Mondeo.

But, to me, each and every one was a cultured oasis where spending money on a Shed Seven single validated my outsider status in a town full of moron factory workers and loaded retiree's grandchildren, who were often one and the same.

I deeply considered what made Our Price better than the other two.

”Our Price smells a lot better than the other record shops,” I said. Didn't get the job.
(Fri 22nd Nov 2013, 20:19, More)

» Impromptu Games You Play

my mate
also made up a kind of tumble-dryer/frisbee game where you had to get a frisbee into the tumble dryer from about 10ft away. it was pretty hard, especially when we realised that the frisbee was actually bigger than the tumble dryer entrance, thus rendering the game impossible and pointless.
(Thu 1st Apr 2004, 12:45, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

i used to work for the police
processing crimes into a computer. i got some really stupid ones.

one was from a chef who reported a 14 yr old for stealing a banana from the storage area.

one was from the store guard of a popular high street office suppliers who was walking to work. on the way he was stopped by a guy who tried to sell him a set of computer speakers for £10. the store guard recognised the speakers as being stolen from his store, asked to see the guy's receipt, guy ran off.

the best was in the car park of a popular superstore, some kids were trying to hotwire car and were spotted by a member of the public. one of them ran off, into a main road and was hit by a car.

oh, and police officers aren't the sharpest tools in the box either. i used to get hair descriptions that said stuff like "long blonde hair" or "receding grey hair." one said "short mousey house". made my day that one.
(Mon 29th Dec 2003, 13:52, More)
[read all their answers]