b3ta.com user Bitter and Twisted
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» "You're doing it wrong"

First time anything !

There are condoms available that have a small amount of a numbing agent (benzocaine) on the inside tip area. The logic being that if the love helmet is desensitised then the whole event will last longer.

Anyway, me and the Mrs were using these type of johnnies. Not that I needed them. Ahem.

So one night we got down to the business after a night spent getting lashed in the pub. Compulsory foreplay was soon dealt with before the actual in-and-out stuff began. However, to add to an already de-sensitised bellend, was the seven pints that had been drunk. This had the double effect of further desensitising the already numbing area, and making the bladder full.

After a while of what, for me, was pointless pumping, the Mrs said that I felt a bit strange inside her and really full. I pulled out to find that I was pissing into the condom without realising it. There was not much I could do except grasp the johnny around my shaft and continue the piss. Soon I was stood there with a seriously extended johnny, with a bulbous end full of a pint of piss, swinging between my knees. I tried to take it off but this just casued piss to flow up the shaft all over me and the floor. I had to walk crab style all the way (downstairs) to the toilet and take it off over the bowl. Most of it still ended up on the floor.
(Wed 21st Jul 2010, 19:16, More)

» House Guests

The wanderer
When I'm really pissed I have a habit of waking in the night and staggering on autopilot to the toilet (none of these pissing in wardrobe antics for me, no siree). However once I've emptied my bladder the autopilot shuts down and abandons me to my fate. This has resulted in me waking up hours later in the toilet/bathroom/hallway/living room . . anywhere.

One night our son (aged 10) had a sleep over with 3 of his mates. Whilst they were all amusing themselves doing Wii etc in one room, the wife and I stayed in the other room getting pissed. At some point all the youngsters went to bed in the same bedroom. To facilitate this we had put a sofa bed in there on which two were sleeping.

Following so far ?

Anyway at some point in the night my piss autopilot activated and off I must have gone. The first I knew of this is when, at first light, I woke up, stark bollock naked, lying curled up at the foot of a sofa bed in which two youngsters were sleeping. I got up and retreated to my own bed.

What the fuck would have happened if I hadn't been the first to wake ? I can just imagine little some child going back to his dad saying "we found X's dad in bed with us and he had no clothes on"
(Fri 7th Jan 2011, 21:15, More)

» Things to do before you die

Sorry, it's not funny
See my child do better than me
(Thu 14th Oct 2010, 22:23, More)

» Random Acts of Evil

At our workplace we have the usual custom of people buying everyone cakes when it is their birthday. As we have a night shift it is usual for some cakes to be left in a fridge and a message sent to the night shift about the cakes and who they are from.

Do you know of the bottles of stupidly hot chilli sauce that you can buy ? They come with names such as "Insanity Sauce", "Death Sauce" etc etc A little bit licked off a cocktail stick is enough to blow your head off.

Anyway, we have a bottle of such sauce at work, and using a needle and syringe (the lab has them) we injected some into a lovely looking jam and cream doughnut. It was carefully done with the needle being slowly withdrawn as the sauce was injected, so as to get a even distribution inside.

The loaded doughnut was left with the others on a plate in the fridge.

When the night shift next rotated on to days we asked them about the cakes. The unwitting recipient said he took a big bite and swallowed. He realised something was wrong but not before he was onto his second mouthful. He spat it out thinking the cream was off, before the heat hit him.

He saw the funny side.

However the upshot is that no one ever dare trust any food that is left for them.

Random ? Well we didn't know which member of the night shift would get it.
(Sun 19th Feb 2012, 21:24, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

Thank you Thatcher
The worst ever is the free milk we used to get at school in the mid seventies.

Small foil topped bottles that came with a straw that you pierced the foil with and supped up the goodness inside. The milk was delivered in crates that would be left outside.

I hate milk, can't stand the taste. To me it tastes a bit like vomit. I will have it in tea, on cereal etc, anything as long as the taste is disguised.

But the worst thing was we used to get given the milk late morning. In the summer this would mean that the milk had been sat in the sun for maybe up to six hours. Going off and curdling. The taste was appalling.

If you didn't drink it you were told off (sometimes smacked, this was the seventies after all), even sent to the head teacher. No human rights acts in those days. No parents who would phone the school up and say "Now hang on a minute . . "

But then it stopped. I've heard the rhyme "Thatcher Thatcher milk snatcher". Not sure if this is true or not, but if it is then I salute her.
(Fri 27th May 2011, 0:59, More)
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