b3ta.com user Yarbo
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» Dad Jokes

More nicknames-related than jokes...
Considering my father's idea of jokes is blatantly repeating every episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus and Fawlty Towers, he tends to save his creativity in creating nicknames for people and stores, e.g.

Red Rooster = Red Rooter
K-Mart = K-Fart
Charlie Dimmock = Tits, and
Some poor lass with a considerable overbite = Jaws.

When as drunk as can possibly be he will either ask you to "close your eyes and open your hands", leaving you with the present of his false teeth or teeter around the house, a red bed spread covering his 6'4" frame squealing in falsetto that he's feckin' Little Red Riding Hood.

Also, when delivering his speech at my wedding he said "if you have problems with her, do what we did: put her on a leash".

Oh, how we all laughed.
(Wed 10th Dec 2003, 5:26, More)

» Best Comebacks

smoking advice
I don't have many, but

I had just stepped into an elevator after a smoke break. An older man was also in the elevator.
Older man: You know dear that smoking is a health hazard.
Me: So is giving unsolicitered advice to strangers.

*cue much evil glaring*
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 17:13, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

My parents are pathological liars...
We were told by my parents:

* My real mother is Germaine Greer and I was abandoned at a hippy commune
* My sister was bought off the gypsies for either a paper plate or coca cola bottle
* If we were naughty Idi Amin was going to get us
* All lesbians were satanic vampires involved in cults
* My uncle's caged galah had a blanket put over his cage every night so he could read Playboy in peace.
* Dracula was a real bloke who would grab people off the streets of Fitzroy and pop them in the back of his Kingswood Stationwagon (my bastard parents drove such a car).

Their favourite though was how Tootsie the dog was sent to a farm. It had been said to me so many times that, 20 years later, I still believed it. Until my mother drunkenly remarked to a friend "Oh what about when you lie to your kids about sending a dog to a farm when you really have it put down. Ha ha ha ha ha." In front of me.

(Fri 16th Jan 2004, 0:47, More)