» Conversation Killers

Not so much of a conversation killer but still very awkward...
Once upon a time I was working as the store manager for a travel/tour company in sunny Cairns, Australia.

As the backpacker hub of the east coast there was always some pub crawl or bar hop happening filled with sun kissed Swedish, Rather burnt Irish and of course pissed up brits.

One of these such cretin laden tours was the apt name "The Ultimate Party Bus" which was basically a red London double-decker which would drive around the same four streets playing out Black Eyed Peas "Ive got a feeling",plying them with drink and for some reason had those participating dressed in togas.............every night of the week.

Needless to say when starting my day the sight of half naked women with a loose boob or two at nine in the morning was a usual occurrence all of which walking around with a "Ultimate party t-shit" and a group photo of the fuckwits who took part the night before.

I digress as now the scene has been set.

I opened my store as always and sat back in my air conditioned office listening to Idlewild, checking my facebook and bumming around awaiting the backpacker horde to arrive after checking out of their hostels when in walks a toga wearing Swedish guy with fig leaves around his head and Ultimate Party Bus paraphernalia in hand.

I wasn't totally apathetic back then so i enquired about his night, how good the party bus was, How wrecked him and his buddies got, how big he thought Cairns was (yep those four streets are massive)and how he had a wicked photo of everybody who was on the bus that night.

I was a little bored so thought id scour the photo for any half naked boobies and came across a lad who decided that dressing up in a toga wasn't enough.

Conversation as follows:

Me: Wow there's a lot of people out last night then?
Swede: Jah, It was awesome
Me: Haha even some guys dressed up drag!!
Swede: (looks at me quizzically)
Me: (Noticing said confusion points at photo to a rather square chined guy with long hair and loads of make up)

Swede: That's my girlfriend
Me: hahaha
Swede: No, it is, we get that a lot.
Me: Oh....(red face)

Needless to say he left very swiftly and i closed up for ten minutes while i pissed myself.
(Fri 13th May 2011, 0:12, More)

» Shit Claims to Fame II

I have a few clashes with the celebs
Back in 2008 I was flying from New York to LAX with United Airline and had the pleasure of sitting next to Mel B from the Spice Girls with her lanky bald-headed husband of the time and their two kids. She was wheeled onto the plane in a wheel chair and then jumped up and found her seats.

It was on a bowing 747 so we had the four seats that faced the middle partition right at the front of the plane, She said "Y'right?" I said "Yes" and that was it. He kids screamed for about 8 hours and then she got wheeled off again with a blanket over her head to protect her from the masses of paparazzi (none) that were waiting for her when we landed.

More recently I was doing yoga in my local gym here in New Zealand when Orlando Bloom taking a break from filming The Hobbit decided to join the class, He took a mat and me being the only other guy in the room he sided up to me said hello and i spent the rest of the class trying not to look him in the eye when doing my "downward dog" - Nice chap that Orlando.

Others from the past while i think about it; Will Young asked me if i fancied going for a drink with him in the bar of the hotel i was working in, I politely declined. On that same tour that little stuttering prick Gareth Gates spat on my reception desk because I wouldnt unlock the mini bar in his room -he was under-age at the time.

Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), Jake the Snake Roberts, Bobby Charlton, and Busted all graced my reception desk while working on a reception desk at a hotel in Birmingham.

Jaqueline Gold MD of Ann Summers played with my bow tie once (I was a waiter at one of their "conferences"

That's all I can think of!
(Fri 21st Sep 2012, 4:54, More)

» Nights Out Gone Wrong

Drink & Devonda Do Not Mix
Like the post below i have a natural affinity for finding myself in very unusual situations:

The time i decided to try and enter a bar with an oily battered sausage half hanging out of my zipper and then trying to persuade the female bouncer to take a nibble of it.

Same night after unsuccessful entry i came around mid-thrust inside a fat ginger and calmly "backed-out" and walked out of the hostel dorm with my pants round my ankles and bits of said battered sausage down my leg.

Or the night when i went for the record of drinking as many ABC'S (Absinth,Barcardi 151 & Charteusse) Shots in one session. There wasn't even a previous record i just decided there was one to beat.

On the sixth shot i thought it would be a great idea to bring home a 32 year old mum of two back to my place for a but "my place" my drunken mind translated as my "girlfriends house" and "some fun" was my attempt at a menge a trois.

Needless to say when mum of two asked me where we were walking to and i slurred "meesh gurlsfeeend hoose" she scarped and my girlfriend found me later walking round the confines of her front garden looking for her.

Or there was the time more recently that i got wasted with local Thai guys and decided to drive my scooter home only to crash in the middle of the road get mugged and then pass out while filling my shorts with shit.

Needless to say i try to steer clear of the devil juice where i can..
(Fri 25th Mar 2011, 5:38, More)