b3ta.com user Irregular Joe
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» Dad stories

My dad died just over 5 years ago.
It was obviously very sad, he'd had cancer and been suffering a lot, so in the end it was a relief to know he'd not have the pain anymore.

Over the years I've found myself becoming ever-more like him, though I know I'll never be able to be quite so.. unique.

He could roll a joint that could knock out an elephant, and disarm people with spontaneous wit the likes of which I have rarely heard.

Thanks to him I have an amazing music collection comprised of all his old records, some amazing handmade vintage speakers, and come the onset of the internet, a collection of downloads to rival iTunes..

He always had an air of unspoken mystery about him, even now I feel that I'd barely even cracked the surface with him.
It's without a doubt the biggest shame I can think of, I'd do anything for another 5 minutes with him, just to get his insight.

Out of all of the weird things I've seen with my family, there was one event that really summed him up for me.

We were at a friends house, and one person there was, for lack of a better description, pretty fucking fat.

Now, this friend was complaining about said cake-fuelled predicament, and friends were cooing about her, plenty of "no, you're just cuddly" and "big-boned" and all that.

In walks my dad, freshly-rolled joint in mouth, at which point fat friend turns round and asks:

"H, do you think I'm fat?"

And lo, whilst sparking up and without missing a beat:

"God yes, you're fucking enormous. If I were you I'd be ashamed to go out in public. I don't know how you have the nerve, myself."

Utterly level-voiced, and without malice, but staunchly honest.
Fat friend is shocked as you may imagine, and everyone is open-mouthed in horror. My mum quickly whisked him to the kitchen..

"What the fuck did you say that for?"
"She asked me, I wasn't gonna lie, was I?"
"Well, couldn't you have been, a little bit more diplomatic about it?"
"Oh so what, lie?"
"No, but maybe soften it a bit?"
"Oh what, sugar-coated lie? She'll fucking eat that too."

(Fri 26th Nov 2010, 13:22, More)

» What nonsense did you believe in as a kid?

Bob Marley
My mum convinced me for years that Bob Marley didn't die from cancer.

Oh no, apparently his musical career eventually stopped, and he went to get a job at a bank.

They wouldn't let him keep his dreadlocks, and cutting them off sapped his lifeforce much like with Samson & Delilah, eventually leading to his death from business hair.
(Fri 20th Jan 2012, 14:12, More)

» Drunk Parents

Last summer, a friend made about 8-10 gallons of wine.
All of said wine was drunk over the course of a lovely saturday afternoon, along with music, fine cheese and biscuits.

My mum got wankered in the first 45 minutes, and retreated upstairs. We were all merry quickly, but she knocked it back like a trooper. The spliffs probably hadn't helped either.

We crept up about 5 minutes later to find her simultaneously shitting in the toilet and puking into the sink next to it, and were greeted with a slurred "fuck offfffffff"..

Given that she'll be reading this question of the week, hi mum, I have it on film!
(Fri 25th Feb 2011, 1:45, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters

A friend of mine claimed to have their labia pierced.
This friend is a man.
(Fri 14th Jan 2011, 1:58, More)

» What nonsense did you believe in as a kid?

The missus believed that Ray Liotta
was actually Ray the Otter.

She was 19 when I showed her Goodfellas, until then she just thought he was a stunt animal or trained to do things for kids films.
(Fri 20th Jan 2012, 20:39, More)
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