» Drugs

Total lightweight with apologies
I don’t usually do weed (but only because I don’t like the taste). However, was coaxed into a trip to Amsterdam with other half, my brother, brother’s wife and their two friends. All I can say is that the events even now unfurl in my mind in a very bitty, disjointed and stream of consciousness kind of way thusly…
First stop - the Grasshopper. Roll splendidly enormous joints with candy striped papers while the Dutch locals look on and roll their eyes.
Smoke the lot in about 25 minutes, washed down with hot chocolate. Nom. Hit the streets.
Decide to find the red light district – at 10 in the morning. Because, obviously, it’s even sexier at 10am.
See a shifty looking bloke carrying a pink and white striped plastic bag. See lots of nice houses leaning at improbable angles. (They lean at those angles when you are sober too, which is very confusing.)
See houses that are less nice and pass an alleyway with two large Alsatians on chains surrounded by more shifty looking blokes.
Take a wrong turn. Walk a bit.
See the bloke with the pink and white striped plastic bag again. Take another wrong turn.
Genuinely unsure which country I am in. Is it Taunton? No, too many sex shops. Plus they would be called Sex Shoppes if they were in Taunton.
See the bloke with the pink and white striped plastic bag again. Go into a sex shop.
Laugh in awed and hushed tones at the size of some of the dildos on display. Purchase pack of ‘naughty’ playing cards which, judging by volume of pubic hair, were probably made in 1972.
On leaving sex shop, take a wrong turn. Pass an alleyway with two large Alsatians on chains surrounded by shifty looking blokes.
See the bloke with the pink and white striped plastic bag again. Starts to rain.
While crossing a bridge remark to other half that why, if it is raining, he hasn’t put his hood up.
Other half puts his hood on then immediately takes hood off and makes an unhappy noise.
Hood was full of rain water.
Lunch. I don’t remember this bit.
Go to the sex museum. View lots of photos of ladies in bloomers with their baps out and 8ft tall wooden cocks and laugh in a very childish manner. Take photo of 8ft call wooden cocks to show my mum but when the photos are developed these, strangely, are the only ones that do not come out. Censored by Boots the Chemist?
Move on to a room with a warning outside along the lines of “abandon hope all ye who enter here…”
Enter room and proceed to abandon hope. Stand out moments involved a dildo that looked as big as a baby’s head and lots of pissing. Beyond that, I don’t want to talk about it. Even now.
Almost get run over by a tram. Twice. Go to coffee shop. Go to the Rijksmuseum.
Sister-in-law blows off in the Egypt room.
Husband blows off on a wooden bench in the Doll house room just as a very nice Dutch couple walk in to inspect the exhibits. (he’s allowed to fart; he’s not well after doing battle with hot dog repercussions all night. Sister-in-law has no excuse.) Raucous noise and a massive echo, followed by barely controlled laughter and room fleeing activities. See the Night Watch and say “cool….” Mainly because It’s massive.
Being unable to take much more art, frankly, go to coffee shop.
Go to Delft shop to purchase gift for my mum. All too stoned to enter, so other half goes in. The Delft shop is very long and narrow. Lots of expensive figurines and wares displayed on tippy tables and unstable book cases. During his conversation with the nice Dutch lady in the shop, other half turns around a lot and the rucksack on his back swings back and forth, seeming to narrowly miss aforementioned figurines and wares as we squeal and roar with laughter outside, alternately putting our heads in our hands and covering our eyes.
Sister-in-law wets herself. Literally, not metaphorically.
Other half emerges after purchasing a nice trinket with an expression that says “what is wrong with you?” Nice Dutch lady in shop looks out and rolls her eyes.
See the bloke with the pink and white striped plastic bag again.
Crash out in hotel. Get on plane.Go home.

That’s not all of it – there are some bits that I’m not sure where they fit in to the sequence of events. Like brothers friend dragging us along on his personal quest for an increasingly mythical sports bar/coffee shop that he remembered from his last visit. Bearing in mind that he was probably just as monged then as he was this time, we could have soggily and complainingly tramped along every street in Amsterdam and never found it. I am sure he was either making it up or, more likely, had dreamt it.

Length – well, it just seemed to go on and on until the end of time. Like this post.
(Sat 18th Sep 2010, 16:04, More)

» Ouch!

Having carefully pre-hardened my feet
over a lifetime of never wearing shoes (running around the garden, rockpools on holiday, walking home from school shoeless and even now negotiating as much as possible without footwear)still didn't help me when my three ankle-biters came along in quite quick succession.

As previously mentioned, Lego is painful but their bigger brother the Duplo brick wins by a mile. Especially when you stamp on it as you are running to stop your two year old son emptying the contents of his juice beaker into the video. Matchbox cars really hurt too, especially when they are on their side with both doors open. Even old fashioned building blocks are similarly lethal to an adult foot. Kids feet fit nicely into the little curve on an upturned arch shaped one, but my giant feet are far too big and undainty to avoid the excruciating pain that comes with full throttle contact while attempting to stop said son giving his little sister a Baldrick haircut.

As they get older you have to contend with, Polly Pocket, Wolverine pen lids and drawing pins. I have extracted many of these particular bastards from my feet after a foray into kidspace and every one of them really hurt.

Even now, although i have further hardened my feet considerably, I still spend at least some time each day removing thistle thorns from our recently hacked overgrown garden which not only hurt when they go in but also hurt for a few hours after you have pulled them out, the bastards.

Length - about 9 inches (oh yes, they're big too) but you could sand your table or hammer in a medium sized nail with them.

If i feel like it i will regale you with my back pain saga later on, but even though it makes me look really hard and tough i was also reduced to doing some quite gross things during my period of invalidity so i might decide spare you that one.
(Sun 1st Aug 2010, 9:58, More)

» Starting something you couldn't finish

Not finishing? Not even starting...
There are many things I have left unfinished (books, drawings, household DIY and even hobbies - i have half a jumper somewhere that I started knitting for my son but seeing as I started it when he was 8 and he is now 15 now, I can probably be forgiven for not finishing that one). My problem now is that, never mind about finishing things, I am not even able to start things in the first place. I registered while ago but despite having thousands of stories of failure, shame, incompetence and the rest I have only now got round to posting (cue obligatory 'first post!'). I have even created beautiful and lavish images for the image challenges only to forget to post them or go to post and realise either a) I haven't registered or b) the challenge closed three weeks before. Dammit.
It's not that I'm forgetful (although I am) it's just that I don't seem to have the time. Days, weeks slip by and I hardly notice (it is June 2010, isn't it?). How you all manage to find the time to write this stuff and do all these photoshop specials amazes me.

I wish i worked where you all do but sadly I am freelance (graphic designer) so am everyones bitch - 12 hours a day of "!!!TOP URGENT!!! need artwork back in the next 15 nanoseconds etc..." so no time for fun and frivolity with you guys. I will try harder...and try harder to be funny as i just realised that this isn't very funny.

I have bit more time before 'weekend housewife' mode kicks in so if something better than this hits me, you will be the first to know.
I thank you.

Length? about 3ft longer than a first post should be, wouldn't you say?
(Sun 27th Jun 2010, 7:36, More)