b3ta.com user MaxZero
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» Ignored Advice

"Stay away from that corner in the field..."
said one of my parents
"...theres a big wasps nest in one of the holes".

Within my imbecilic 9 year old head, this translated into 'go and twat the wasp nest with the swingball'. I guess I was curious as to what the wasps would do, I soon found out

One mini swarming and a lot of pain later, i developed a phobia of loud buzzing that I still have today
(Fri 16th Nov 2012, 13:42, More)

» Losing it

Made a chilli
A Jo Pratt recipe, off the BBC Food website. Fantastic it was, me and my housemates fit to burst, i get up and commence washing up.

The pot gets a squirt of washing up liquid, and thinking only about how full i was, i stick my finger in for one last taste before its scrubbed clean. The 'enhanced' flavour took a while to register but when it did, back up came the dinner.

The feeling of disappointment overshadowed the embarrassment
(Wed 27th Jul 2011, 15:30, More)

» World of Random

No real story...
...so heres a dream i had a couple of years ago, i kept a dream log at that point to see if there were any pattens in the random rubbish i was dreaming at that time. There wasn't.

The earliest part i remember was being on a tour around an industrial instillation with two men who were rowing over what to have for lunch, one was throwing madelines around as he spoke. We all took notes about what we were being told up until the industrial equipment surrounding us became a supermarket. The two arguing parties started blaming each other for not making any notes so being a gent i told them i would photocopy mine, and walked out to find a photocopier.

The supermarket had employed two bouncers that i passed on my way, i mean to call out "see you next year" but it came out "i'll marry you next year". Being hard, massive bouncer types they came over to question me over what i mean while in the background a golden retriever used a rope to get up a small cliff to see its master. One of the bouncers had lost an eye and so stapled his eyelid shut.

Bit of a blur as to what happened next but i made it home, it was now the middle of the night so i walked the dog, bumped into some friends on a bridge to which the dog went apeshit and bolted across the road into the oncoming traffic that swerved about in avoidance as she did circles across the lanes. This wen't on for far too long until i realised i should do something so ran in myself, grabber her by the collar and started having a conversation with everyone about Ridley's (from Metroid) new career as a singer.

Got home, the house had become a hotel room that upon entrance had become a nicely furnished cell. The TV was on, a very fat woman was plugging her program where she looked at old pine trees with Jo Brand. I then realised i had brought a hummingbird and the massive drooping flowers behind me didn't have enough nectar for it, it landed on my hand and i wandered why it had grown by 3 or four foot.

Puzzled about what i was going to do about it, a guard inspector banged on the door, instead of talking through it tho, there was a little keyboard that they had to type in that spoke it out in Stephen Hawking's electronic voice. The message was something along the lines of me having the heating on too hot and that bugs might get in as a result. One immediately did. it had a napkin ring as a body, I threw the bird at it and it pounced at me, waking me up.
(Tue 26th Apr 2011, 21:44, More)

» Creepy!

The house i grew up in...
..was part of the re-development of Warwickshire country lunatic asylum, from a creepy Victorian derelict to a very pleasant housing estate. As one of the first houses finished, we moved in when the two main hospital complexes were still derelict, dangerous messes and as a result, utterly brilliant to walk around.

Rotting old medical equipment within halls, gradually ruined by time, the elements, vandals and thieves that had nicked the lead/copper (one of those) from the roof. A lot had been left when it closed, i used to think that they had created something terrible and fled, we always wondered if we would come across some sort of monstrosity around every bend (i think in reality everything was outdated so they didn't bother taking it to the the hospital's replacement, whyle the council certainly weren't going to pay for its disposal).

Some things were still relatively intact just ading to the mood. The patient book was still there, i wish we had liberated it when we found it, heres hoping the builders who eventually transformed the place didn't throw it in a skip. Some of the toilet cubical still had (pink) loo paper on the holder and a completely intact lav, others had completely fallen to bits. Decay was rife, medical themed signs were smashed, the only break from the destruction was the orchard, utterly overgrown, a completely different feeling of abandonment. Overall, you couldn't wander around without thinking of resident evil at least once.

Which brings me onto the bodies, we knew they were everywhere, part of the reason there are so many lovely green fields dotted within the estate was because the builders had no permission to build on them. It was relatively normal back in the day of the county lunatic asylum for families of the disturbed to disown them, most bodies would be the hospital's responsibility so to save space they had been buried standing up. Me and my friends could never stand to play on the fields as lovely as they were, being there always had an uneasy atmosphere, we started believing if we started having fun ontop of the dead crazy people they would re-animate and drag us underneath with them. Being told to go play outside therefore tended to fill us with panic.

As we got older and the estate became more developed, we stopped being so stupid and eventually decided to pass on our old fears to the next wave of younger kids that had moved in. I'de like to think a cycle might have started
(Fri 8th Apr 2011, 17:07, More)

» Conversation Killers

'Educational' school trip to Barcalona
Thinking back to this excursion, the only thing even slightly related to Business Studies in the entire trip was a tour around the SEAT factory to see the production process, and all i can remember from that was the bickering over which nation drive on the right side of the road.

The rest of the time was generally spent drinking with the resulting memories a wee bit hazy.
At one particular point, me and a female 6th former took a breather from going from location A to B down Las Rambla and had a sit down next to an old Spanish bloke that we wouldn’t have gone anywhere near if we were sober, not much room so the lass had sat on my knee. He started talking to us in Spanish and finding the language barrier funny I replied in a mix of English and Czech. For a few munities We had a nonsense conversation with the Spaniard that seemed pretty funny until he realised he wasn’t getting through and started miming out his intentions to buy the girl off me, take her to a disco and then do something very crude.

I was still clueless tho she wasn’t as her face fell to one of disgust and dragged me away, Don’t think she was too happy for being mistaken as a prostitute.
It wasn’t until sometime later I twigged why the chat had been abruptly cut off, and I’ve only just now while typing it out related it with prostitution, not just a daft old twit trying to buy someone
Makes me feel like I’ve lived a clueless, sheltered life... No. actually, it just makes me feel stupid
(Fri 13th May 2011, 12:40, More)
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