» Celebrities part II

Stephen Hendry
Many years ago I was a barman at a large hotel in Blackpool. There was a big snooker comp on at a hotel up the road and lots of the players were staying at the hotel I worked at.

Around midnight, Hendry and 2 other players who I vaguely recognised came to the bar and one of the other 2 asked for 3 pints of whatever. As it was after hours, we were only serving residents so I asked them if they were residents in the hotel, the guy says Yes, I ask him for his keycard as proof, and after a bit of argy-bargy it turns out he's not staying at THIS hotel, but in another one up the road.

I politely inform him that he'll have to go up there to get a drink.

"But their bar shuts at Midnight"

I tell him I can't help him and he gets a right arse on. Tells me what an important player he is in the snooker competition that is filling the coffers of the hotel with off-season revenue & I bloody better had serve him.

Nope

At this point, Hendry swaggers to the fore and SLAPS his keycard on the counter - "I am staying at this hotel, I'll get the drinks"

I swear, I'd waited my whole life for a moment like this.

"I'm afraid I won't be able to serve you"

Hendry, incredulous "But I'm staying here, you have to serve me"

"I'm afraid not. You see, I was watching the snooker last night, and just before you potted the last black that got you through to the next round, David Vine mentioned that it's your 18th birthday next month, which makes you under age"

Loved it then. Love it now.
(Fri 9th Oct 2009, 6:35, More)

» Petty Sabotage

exploding blender
I worked in a bar in a hotel in Blackpool, and we had cold shelves all along the back that used to need defrosting once a week, or we couldn't prise the Special Brew off of them, so it was our practise to flick the mains off to the bar area once a week at teh end of a shift, like 3am, so the shelves would defrost. This would turn off all electrical equipment in the bar. I did this one shift end, and then went and turned the blender on (no power, remember) and STUFFED it with plastic cocktail decorations and shredded paper.

Next morning, at around 10:10, as I was still zedding due to being on late shift I was awoken by my best mate on the phone, who was on early shift.

'BASTARD!!!!' was all he said, then hung up.

Weeks later, we were still finding little bits of plastic giraffe in the most improbable places in that bar.
(Thu 5th May 2005, 11:28, More)

» When animals attack...

Cat Attack!
I used to live in a first floor flat, with my wife & 2 cats. We had a cat flap in the kitchen window at work-surface level so the cats could get in & out via a sloping roof outside the window.

I found out that an unneutered tom cat was entering the cat flap and filling his face from our cats' bowls, then pissing high-stink tom cat piss around the place just so we knew he'd paid a visit.

I resolved to ambush this cat to 'teach it a lesson'. This was the plan - One night, set the cat flap to 'in only', then wait up for said tom. Catch him in the kitchen, grab him by the scruff of the neck and eject him via the front door. That'll show him.

So, one night I flicked the catch on the cat flap so he couldn't get out, and went to bed. I sat up in my dressing gown reading a book, with our 2 cats asleep on my feet (keeps them nice & warm).

I dozed off.

Around 1am I awoke and realised that the faint creak of the cat flap had aroused me. Our 2 cats were still at the end of the bed, but looking alertly toward the door. Clearly the perpetrator had arrived! Time to show him who's boss.

I trod oh-so-quietly to the kitchen, but shouldn't really have bothered. There was tom slamming food down his neck as fast as he could and making an unbelievable racket as he did so. Sounded more like a herd of pigs at the trough. Anyway, he became aware of my presence and bolted for the cat flap, leaving a trail of cat food that he'd crammed into his face but hadn't had time to swallow, across the kitchen floor. Doink! Cat flap doesn't open. Panic-stricken tom cat is lying on his side frantically scrabbling at the cat flap, his little paws a blur. 'Got you now!' I exclaimed triumphantly and seized him by the scruff of the neck in a vice-like grip, just as planned.

I might as well have not had hold of him at all, as in an instant he turned in my grip, sank his teeth into my hand and then raked my arms, neck, face & chest with his claws, at the same time managing to motor up and down the work-surface knocking glass jars full of pasta and assorted other breakables to the floor. This was accompanied by the most incredible caterwauling. I was now wondering what the hell to do, as if he could do me this much damage with me holding him down, what the fuck was he going to do to unfettered? I decided to cut my losses and hurled him out of the kitchen into the hallway, whereupon I heard him thunder down the stairs and THUNK into the front door. My wife is shouting 'What the fuck is going on?' and I'm like 'Just stay where you are, there's a bloody mental case cat loose in here'

Then he came back up and did a tour of the flat at about 75mph while I'm scrabbling frantically to open the cat flap so he can get out, but there's blood all over my fingers and I couldn't get a grip on the little plastic tab thing. I finally got it open by banging it with a spatula, and just in time as the maniac cat comes back in the kitchen and BAM out through the cat flap.

Did the trick. Never saw that cat again.

I've still got the scars.

(Apologies for the immensity of length)
(Fri 3rd Jun 2005, 4:05, More)

» IT Support

Can't remember her own fucking name
The caller's name is Jean Barnes (Name changed to protect the stupid)

Jean "I can't get my e-mail, it wants a password & I don't know what it is"

Me "Hold on, I'll look it up......Oh! Actually it's jeanbarnes, no spaces"

Jean "How is that spelled"

Me "!!!! j e a n b a r n e s !!!!"

Jean "I won't be able to remember that, I'd better write it down"
(Fri 25th Sep 2009, 13:05, More)

» Clients Are Stupid

Name that password
I have a client who is the most stupid person you could ever meet in your life. Her name (changed to protect the stupid) is Jane Warnes.

Recently, she could not get e-mail due to a lost password, so I looked up the password on my support database, & it was "jwarnes".

I told her the password & she said, "just a minute, I won't be able to remember that, let me find a pen".

I was about to say, "but it's your name", then thought better of it, as it might have complicated things.
(Mon 29th Dec 2003, 7:34, More)