b3ta.com user TheFlyingOnion.
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» Drunk Parents

Drink and death
The night our very own Princess of Hearts (TM) died is doubly memorable for me, as the night I saw my parents really, truly trollied.

They're not big drinkers but have a couple of really old friends who have been leading them astray for the best part of 45 years. This sunny Saturday they had been out to the races, drinking all day as you do. Usually when they came home a bit tipsy it would be dinner then bed, but on this particular day they came back around 6pm and started on the champers.

Come nine, they decided to stagger down the lane to a nearby hotel/pub/dive which had the world's lamest outdoor beer festival. I was persuaded into accompanying them, out of sheer curiosity and entertainment at how royally pissed they all were. As we arrived they strode straight out onto the wood shavings- and -hay bale "dance floor" and started getting down to that terrible country "tune" the bunch of twunts from Emmerdale had recently released - I seem to remember they called themselves The Woolpackers. The four of them were executing an enthusiastic but tragically mistimed line dance, oblivious to the sniggers/horrified looks of the other patrons, until one of the friends lost all co-ordination after a particularly high leg-kick and fell over sideways. Not to be deterred, the hoe-down continued. Eventually my dad fell headlong into a rosebush, as I pretended I wasn't with any of them. A random punter even came up to me to enquire increduously whether they were my parents. I replied in the negative.

As I attempted to usher the completely ratted band home, dad heard there was an even better* "do" inside in one of the draughty function rooms and decided we should all go and crash the party. They ran into someone's wedding reception and continued the hoe down, until mum decided that it was actually some sort of party for the staff of the local Tescos (I've no idea where she got this from) and left yelling "I can't, I have to shop there!", there being no other supermarket of note in our one-horse town.

Eventually by promising that I was going to drive them to the Bamboo Club in Stockport, a mere two and a half hour round trip, I managed to herd them back up the lane and into our living room, where they pushed all the furniture against the walls and made me DJ classic 70's rock for them into the early hours.

Got up the next morning, me fresh as a daisy and them all chronically hungover, to find out poor old Di had croaked around the same time we cracked out the Led Zepplin IV vinyl....

*or completely crap
(Thu 24th Feb 2011, 21:53, More)

» Vandalism

A494 to Chester, couple of years ago....
A white prison van with "Gary Glitter's tour bus" written in the dirt on the back. Brightened my drive to work :o)
(Tue 12th Oct 2010, 16:16, More)

» Redundant technology

kids nowadays...
as a primary teacher I was covering "old words" with a yr 4 class, eg what do we call a wireless now - a radio, etc. I gave the kids the word "gramophone" and asked them what the equivalent updated word was; "dvd player?", no "playstation?", no... one kid offered the oldest thing he could possibly think of; "video??". Nope.

I gave them the answer; its an old record player - cue queries of "what's one of those then?". When I explained what a record player did, one of the kids thought his Grandad might have one...

Two things dawned on me: one, that I could have used "record player" instead of "gramophone" as the example of an old, little used word. Secondly, I am old (at 33).
(Fri 5th Nov 2010, 9:19, More)

» B3ta Villain of the Year 2010

Richard Littlejohn
(Thu 23rd Dec 2010, 13:35, More)

» Things to do before you die

Here are my travel related places to do before I die
Already seen lots of amazing places, but my list seems to get longer and longer:
1. Bhutan
2. Burma
3. Japan
4. Syria
5. Ethiopia
6. Sail around the south pacific islands (they're 1000's of miles away from each other so this would probably take months)
7. China
8. Horse trek through Kyrgystan (hoping to do this one next year).

I want to see everything in the world that's cool before I die. I realise this will take lots of time and cash but I'm going for it anyway...
(Sun 17th Oct 2010, 10:32, More)
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