b3ta.com user jonhimself
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» Conversation Killers

A corpulent and oddly hirsute co-worker
and her husband had briefly been mentioned in a bit of post work pub banter when my mate Steve said in front of a table of about ten, 'I wonder what it's like to eat a mars bar from [corpulent and oddly hirsute co-worker]'s arse?'. Silence...
(Fri 13th May 2011, 10:07, More)

» DIY Surgery

I got called Rambo.
I live in Thailand and was on holiday on the island of Phi Phi and was leaving to head back to Bangkok. My girlfriend wanted her binoculars from our bag and I fished around in there and cut a massive hole in my middle finger. The bastard wouldn't stop bleeding and the only help I had from Thai sailors was a bottle of local whiskey and dirty cotton wool. So instead I took off a shoelace, got some bog roll and tied it round said finger. Viola. Ready made bandage...though I did have to wait for about 3 hours before I could get some proper dressing for it. No, not Paul Newman's. Pictures in replies.
(Fri 21st Jan 2011, 13:17, More)

» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

I wanted a day off work
so I rang them up and told them that my girlfriend's dad had just died and said I had to comfort her. Got two days off and a couple later on in the week for the 'funeral'. Bonus. Never told my girlfriend what I'd done, though a couple of months later we broke up. Completely my choice. Honest.
(Fri 17th Jun 2011, 17:41, More)