b3ta.com user RJWEcology
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Profile for RJWEcology:
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~ Ranger, ecology graduate and conservation volunteer (West Midlands - UK) ~

I do a bit of conservation work, green woodworking and I have a growing collection of sharp tools!

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Best answers to questions:

» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

About four years ago I moved in with my partner. We were close but we were still getting to know each other’s habits and idiosyncrasies. One warm evening in Torquay, we had just gone to bed after a long day at work and I had opened the bedroom window to let some cool air in the bedroom.

What Jen didn’t know was that I have terrible farts and can be at my most farty at night / morning (usually a few hours after dinner).
When she was gently tucked up and starting to drift off to sleep, I managed to let off a gut wrenching (silent) fart which smelt like someone had died in a sewer.

I kept quiet.

A few minutes later, Jen turned over to me and said “Oh My God! What is that terrible SMELL!!!”. I very calmly replied “It’s the drains outside. The hot weather must have caused them to smell really bad”. “Can you close the window” she replied!
I had a very difficult time trying to contain my hysterical laughter but I did what she said and closed the window. For the next five minutes, I had to bite the duvet to help contain my laughter.

The perfect crime!

...She knows better than to trust me now!
(Thu 16th Jun 2011, 16:05, More)

» More Pet Stories

Puttin' on the Ritz
My partner has some stick insects. They're pretty boring but this one recently did a pose which reminded me of Fred Astaire!

(Sun 3rd Feb 2013, 12:32, More)

» Irrational Hatred

I have my reasons.
(Fri 1st Apr 2011, 12:36, More)

» "Needless to say, I had the last laugh"

With Complements
I once wrote EAT PUSSY on a complement slip on my last day of work for a very large financial company and put it back in the pile to be sent.

Yes, I stole the idea from Clerks 2. Yes, it's pathetic and yes, I still smile when I think about it.
(Thu 3rd Feb 2011, 15:24, More)

» Grandparents

Dick & Tibby
I never met my grandfather (mother’s side) but I was named after him in his honour. From family stories, he was a complete legend! Here is one such tale…

Soon after my parents first met, my grandparents invited them over for Sunday lunch and a chance to meet and talk. Dick (he was never referred to as Richard) was told to be on best behaviour. That meant no booze, dancing (the twist was his best move) or stories about being a “removals man”.

The introductions went well and the food and conversation was all good. My nan sent Dick to the kitchen to get the trifle and bring it to the dining room table so it could be served to everyone. By this time everyone was relaxed and happy.
Upon returning from the kitchen with said trifle, Dick confidently stepped into the living room and tripped over the cat (Tibby) which was nicely perched in his way, thus dropping the trifle on the floor.

FUCCCKKKKIINNNGGG! TIIIBBYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! (he screamed)

…And then went his foot right up the cats arse and proceeded to kick it across the room! As Tibby flew across the room Dick turned to the rest of the family as they looked in shock. My parents still laugh until they cry when they talk about this incident with him.

Other incidents include:

• Baby gate to stop him getting up stairs after he had been to the pub
• My nan coming home to find a massive party in full swing (he decided to invite everyone over from the pub)
• Challenging everyone to the twist at my parents wedding (AND out twisting them)
• Bringing my dad home unconscious from the pub over his shoulder
• Flogging all the furniture (t’was stolen) to the local takeaway as the police were coming around
• Fighting my mum’s old teacher as he had thrown her down some stairs

The list goes on! Would have loved to have met him.
(Fri 3rd Jun 2011, 8:01, More)
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