» "Needless to say, I had the last laugh"

Call centres....
...are where the soul goes to die. Having spent a miserable summer trying to sell Chelsea TV to anyone but Chelsea fans thanks to "advanced data mining techniques" I finally managed to get round quitting, not so much in a blaze glory, more a whimpering admission of defeat.

2 weeks after I left, an unexpected payslip landed on my doormat. Despite being owed nothing, the call centre had decided to pay me for 1.014 hours work, at my not-so-usual hourly rate of £879.35234 an hour. Did a happy dance and spent it as fast as I could.

5 months later they phoned up asking me to pay it back, and I told them to fuck off. Never heard from them again.
(Fri 4th Feb 2011, 5:39, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

Dogs dinner
As a teenage he-pigeon, I once came back late to the family home one night, stopped via the kitchen to drink the traditional pint of liquid before heading to bed (pissing like a racehorse preferable to a dehydrated hangover), only to be stopped in my tracks by the sight of some worryingly familiar looking pieces of crumpled paper underneath the kitchen table.

The dog had been through my bedroom waste-paper basket, and had found a weeks worth of knotted condoms cunningly wrapped in said crumpled paper by way of disguise. As was her custom, the dog had taken her prize back to the kitchen, where she had proceeded to shred the paper and its slimy semen filled contents all over the rug underneath the table.

I can only hope that nobody saw the mess before I had the chance to clean it up. I don't really want to think about what my parents reaction would have been, sitting down to dinner and squelching their feet on my tattered spunk bags...
(Mon 31st Jan 2011, 5:45, More)