b3ta.com user fred zeppelin
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» My Saviour

This honestly happened last Wednesday evening
I was walking up Highgate Road, came to a T-Junction and while I was doing my Green Cross Code a woman on a very flash mountain bike, with all the gear on, stopped at the junction.

Suddenly she toppled sideways, landed on her shoulder with the bike on top of her. Being the nearest person, I naturally helped her up and said "Are you OK?"
"Yes" she replied, a bit embarrassed, "it was very silly of me"
"I expect it was your cleat that got stuck, eh?" I asked
She gave me a look, shouted "YOU FUCKING WEIRDO!" and cycled off.

By the time I'd crossed the road, it dawned on me that she must have misheard.
(Thu 9th May 2013, 15:54, More)

» Dates Gone Wrong

It was all going so well...
It was a cousin's wedding in a Chateau in Strasbourg. After the banquet I somehow peeled off with a lovely lady guest, and we walked and chatted gaily throughout the castle grounds - I even managed to ride one of the wild ponies that were wandering about, which well impressed her in a Hugh Grant way. When we kissed in the moonlight, it felt magical.

Later, as we approached our hotel, we were walking hand-in-hand through the medieval cobbled streets of the old town, heady with romance and anticipation, and I trod in the biggest, runniest, dog shit imaginable. I subtly tried to scrape it off by doing humourous Frankenstein/Hunchback of Notre Dame impressions, but this only created the impression that I was a twat, who smelled of dogshit.
(Thu 4th Sep 2014, 18:44, More)

» Shit Holidays

It was all going so well.
Venice. Girlfriend. Balmy weather. Delicious food in outdoor cafes. Romantic walks. The canals. Gondola. Girlfriend lying back in gondola, totally blissed out. Pigeon shat into her open mouth.
(Mon 18th Aug 2014, 20:18, More)

» Bad Ideas

When my nephews built a skateboard ramp on their very steep drive,
they didn't believe me when I said skateboards were around when I was their age. So I showed them.

Luckily I broke my fall with my chest, thus avoiding grazing my hands, although I did break two ribs and couldn't watch anything funny for six weeks without suffering excruciating agony.

That showed 'em alright.
(Wed 30th Jul 2014, 18:46, More)

» Controversial Beliefs

I honestly, truly believe in the Half-Life of Sound
It was a theory conceived by Marconi, on his deathbed and probably in the grip of dementia, that Sound never actually dies away, but like radioactive material it just gets less and less without ever disappearing altogether.

The problem is, the theory goes, that we simply don't have the microphone & filtering equipment sensitive enough to pick up, in his example, the Sermon On The Mount.

I know it's probably rubbish, but I do believe it nonetheless, so be careful what you say - that "CHICKEN PISS!!!" you yelled might be heard in 50 generations' time and cause all sorts of trouble. (A bit like that line of Arthur Dent's, about having tremendous difficulty with his lifestyle).

I never met my grandad, but my gran always referred to my sister's boyfriend as "that Jew boy", if that's more the sort of thing.
(Thu 25th Apr 2013, 14:26, More)
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