» Worst Band Ever


Actually, you know the worst band ever? Really worst, EVER?

The Muppets.

The *fucking* Muppets.

Out of time, talentless furry little bastards. Every song is uplifting, cheery shit straight out of a unicorn's arse. Between their glazed eyes and fixed grins, they really must be off their tits on something.

Plus, it's all fucking mimed anyway. None of them sing, they can barely dance, but (and this is really the worst) everyone *pretends* they're singing! What the fuck is up with that? Hey! Hey! Check this out! My *sock* is singing Oasis! Fucking awesome!

Sad Kermit though, that's great stuff. I recommend that very highly.
(Fri 31st Dec 2010, 14:56, More)

» Worst Band Ever


Where to even begin?

Nickelback. Damn you, Chad whatever-the-hell-you-are. You're played the same song so much that your guitar can stand there and play itself, all you're doing is changing the lyrics a little. It's not big, it's not clever, Bon Jovi did it before you.

Any of those shitty rappers who have to say their own name repeatedly in 'their' song to differentiate it from the myriad of other shit out there. I level this one squarely at Sean de-Paul, who took someone else singing (Blu Cantrell, in this case) and basically stood beside her saying his name. I can fucking do that. I can take a decent song and stand saying 'Gonkers McFoo, Gonkers McFoo' all day mate. Doesn't make me a rapper. Proof? This is my latest work, I's my remix of Message in a Bottle. I say my name a lot, and do a lyric I stole from someone else in the instrumental section. Solid gold!

Kanye West... Good work on the remix of Daft Punk, just release it without you wankery all over it and it'd have been a decent song. Now it's like Sean Paul with a dictionary just beat the shit out of a good tune, then pissed on it.

Muse. Dear God, I hope that guys voice breaks. As it is, the only people capable of singing along to most of their songs are in a very narrow 12-14 year old age group. Especially Sing for Absolution.

I'm sure there's more, but lack of sleep means I forget them. I'd add modern shit like that Beiber thing, but once she grows up, cuts her hair and grows some tits, she could be quite a looker.
(Fri 31st Dec 2010, 14:45, More)

» Stupid Colleagues


I used to work in a lasertag centre. Woefully outdated technology (our "Master System" ran on DOS 3-ish, we had a printer older than most of our customers), but we bodged and fixed and got along with it. That's not the story.

One day, we were low on staff so we 'borrowed' one of the grunts from Downstairs. Y'see, we were above an amusement arcade and so our downtime was spent down there, when we weren't cleaning, filing, sorting, repairing... and generally finding excuses to sit around doing bog all. With laser guns. However, this day the boss needed to do real work downstairs, so he summoned one of the grunts to deal with the fun stuff. Untrained, useless... what's the worst that could happen, right?

Turned out, this particular grunt was bored between games and liked to find things to press. Having been told NO TOUCHEE COMPUTEE and bored that the only video was the training movie, he cast his speculative eye further and found a mysterious red button under the desk.

"Ho!" said our brave soul, "Ho! For this may be the magic button which opens the door to Narnia!" and thumbed it mightily.

Nothing.

"Ho!" he repeated, "It must need a different finger!" and so poked it firmly.

Nothing!

"Ho!" he moaned, "Bastard button must be broke!" and so jabbed it a few times to be sure.

Footsteps on the spiral stairs! Finally, something happened!

Yes... half a dozen of England's Finest Police came swarming up the stairs, keen to know why the berk behind the desk was hammering on the panic button and expecting guns, bombs, possibly even Gargamel.

"Oh. That's what that button does!" beamed our hapless hero.
(Thu 3rd Mar 2011, 15:58, More)

» Bullshit and Bullshitters


Topicality! Sweet!

The recent zodiac 'changes'. It's a lovely story, it's keeping newspapers in crap to print, it's keeping tattoo artists in business, it's making people feel important they can pronounce Ophiuchus... but it's a bigger load of crap than when Russell Grant took a bottle of laxatives. We use a zodiac system based on the sun and equinoxes, not the constellations. Nothing has changed unless you're Hindu or one of the tiny number of people who use the Sidereal instead of Tropical Zodiac.

I can only assume Idol finished or something and all the vaguely vacant proles have nothing better to do than panic about random bullshit.
(Fri 14th Jan 2011, 14:09, More)